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So, God controls the entire universe except for this one place: hell. Now, hell is run by the Devil, and the Devil hates God. Alright, so you've lied, cheated, stolen, and been a dick your entire life. Why's the Devil going to punish you? He's going to really dig you. You're one of his boys.

It's not like if your good all your life that when you finally get into heaven that God is going to say, thanks for all your good work see that big titted whore with the line of blow running down her she's yours. Welcome to salvation. No, that's not going to happen.

All the good drugs and whores are going to be in hell. a.k.a The fun place.

What's hell got? Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.

What's heaven got? Eternal bliss. That's going to suck. Anything that's eternal means you will get used to it and then you'll be damned board.

Be good and go to heaven and be bored for eternity. Be bad go to hell hang out with all your friends and party every night.


Suddenly the Devil's starting to look like an alright guy. Everything that we know about the Devil is from the Bible, now that's God's book. The Devil's never put out a book. If you ask me, I think the Devil's being the bigger man because God's just writing all this crap about him, and the Devil is taking the high road and not even bothering to respond.



Have you ever noticed that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else?

I can most certainly hold off on that heavenly date. You die then there is this bright light and all your relatives are there waiting for you smiling and happy. Well, whoopie doo. You remember going to your grandparents house as a kid? It was damned boring. After about three hours up there you'd be bored out of your mind and wishing that all your friends would die so you have someone to hang out with.

Of course I don't think God is so nice. People seem to credit God with only good things like rainbows, kittens, and children's laughter. But whenever God does something horrible like lets a bomb go off in a school or someone get cancer of the lungs even though they never smoked a day in their life, people just say "Well God works in mysterious ways." He's not mysterious. He's being a damned asshole. That's like the least mysterious thing to be in the universe. It would be like if I married some girl and she came home one day and found me raping her mom. She would yell, "What are you doing?" and I would reply, "I'm being mysterious. I've always been mysterious."

You ever wonder if God is looking down at all the sexual fetishes and thinking, "Wow, I never thought about that."

God snapping on a latex glove
"You know Mary I've been thinking we skipped some steps with this whole immaculate thing. And I've got some new ideas."

"But Lord won't that hurt."


"Tust in me Mary, I can heal any wound."



"Screw that, Mom you are after me. Dad if you can heal anything, why can I still use my damn hands as pasta strainers. And this, look at this, I have a freaking spear hole in my side."


"Look son, I made you a patch to wear to cover it."


"Yeah, I am not wearing a patch that says “F” the Romans. It's not funny Dad."


"Alright Jesepeze, well talk about it later. Your Mom and I have some Scripture to discuss. Why don't you go play hide John's head with the apostles for a bit."

Buffalo wrote:It seems like I've heard this material in stand-up routines

Be bad go to hell hang out with all your friends and party every night.

The Nehor wrote:The glorification of ignorance and simple-mindedness as comedy is a depressing trend.

bcspace wrote:

Be bad go to hell hang out with all your friends and party every night.

Then by and by you contract every STD and your newly resurrected and perfect genitals fall off. Now where are you? You're in a place with all these beautiful naked people (newbies) with your libido intact and you can't do a thing about it. That is the underside of hell that the Devil, not having written a book, never revealed and where everyone who goes to hell ends up.

Meanwhile up in the CK, Average LDS comes home from creating worlds (he gets to do the fjords) and selects which Stepford wife he will spend the evening with.

Better start reading the Book......

;)

After the resurrection, Mormons believe the body -- in all three kingdoms -- to be immortal and no longer subject to change

bcspace wrote:

After the resurrection, Mormons believe the body -- in all three kingdoms -- to be immortal and no longer subject to change

And drugs will probably not have any effect on a resurercted body either so one humorous supposition deserves another.