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You did not go unnoticed, Dr. Shades. But, my handlers were wisking me away while I was trying to stop and speak with you. Just between you and me, we have been worried about possible threats to the Brethrens’ lives in recent days, and we could not take the chance of stopping to speak with a mere apostate. My apologies. Perhaps that was a rash decision on our part. But, I am here now, so I hope no hard feelings have been harbored and no offense has been taken. Certainly, none was meant to be given.

My, how the time has flown by since the last real chat. It appears there are so many new members on the board that perhaps they may have missed those wonderful times four years ago.

So, here is the link to that wonderful chat we all enjoyed (Well, except for mentalgymnast. But, what can you expect from someone who would choose such a moniker? Hopefully, he has developed a sense of humour in the last four years).

viewtopic.php?p=76536#p76536

I have, hopefully not in vain, impressed upon Brother Packer and our dear beloved President Monson the need to visit all of you again. I hope they have the time in the next few days to share their testimonies with all of us.

I’m happy to announce that I have regained my faith, and am firmly yoked, once again, to the gospel harness. I love the church and the gospel; indeed they are the same thing in my mind. Jamaica was a wonderful training ground. The basketball team is up and running and they are winning regularly. God bless them.

I have been called on a new mission and am now spending time in the Pacific islands, with the descendants of Hagoth. Let me share with you a few pictures of my time spent there.



Not all the Saints enjoyed my message concerning their forefather, Hagoth. You can see the brother in the middle of the picture. He obviously didn’t enjoy the message. He is now part of the new Gospel Essentials camp for those who still believe they arrived over the Bering Strait or by ship from Southeast Asia. We have a few of those stubborn Saints remaining in the islands. It is my calling to set them straight. He will take a little time.



Here you can see where your beloved Blixa received her inspiration for Kishkumen’s avatar. My wife won’t take that darn thing off, even after the lights are out. And, as you can see, I received a new seer stone from the local Saints. I have yet to try it out, but I am told it will help us solve the Kinderhook problem. If Don Bradley will just come to the office, I would be happy to be of assistance to clear up the whole mess.



You can see in this picture that we have trained the missionaries well in keeping their hands where they belong. It took only three months of studying and committing to memory Elder Peterson’s fine pamphlet. Aren’t they doing well?

Well, before I leave, just one more thing (keep this secret):

We are having problems with Elder Uchtdorf. (I mentioned to my wife when we were first set apart as Apostles that I felt something was wrong.) It is now coming home to roost. Our weekly meetings in the temple are becoming contentious, moreso each week. First, he has been reading old Orson Pratt sermons. You know, those where he was preaching that even rocks and sticks had minds? I knew Brigham should have forbidden all those when he had the chance. And worse yet, Brother Uchtdorf is digging into old 18th Century philosophy and science literature to find the origins of such nonsense. He believes that Orson Pratt didn’t just think them up out of nowhere.

Like this. He shared this with us just last week, from some so-called scientist:

For myself I would rather give even intelligence to the least atom of matter....It is no purpose to tell me that this is a bizarre opinion, and that it is not possible that a stone thinks. I should deem it a sufficient reply to say that I am not responsible for consequences correctly deduced, that I have not measured the extent of what is possible, and that, if the law of continuity is admitted, we ought likewise to admit all that follows from it...

He keeps harping on this law of continuity every week, and is now suggesting we need a systematic theology, and that with a systematic theology, all our ills would disappear. In fact, he suggests we would have no more need for correlation. Heresy, I say! Heresy!

And he is taking this so-called principle of continuity to such absurd extremes. It is madness! He has found an old family journal, where it is recorded that mermaids and mermen had been discovered in Copenhagen (of all places).

Here, read this:

Several persons worthy of credence testified that in 1669 a siren appeared in the port of Copenhagen. While there was a discrepancy as to the color of her hair, all agreed that she had the visage of a beard-less man and a forked tail.

Brother Uchtdorf goes on to say, that there is so much authentic testimony to the existence of fish-men and fish-women that it would be obstinacy to doubt it. He has gone off the deep end with this stuff.

And there is more, but I fear I have already taken up more of your time than you may freely want to give to me. Forgive me, but there are strange rumblings afoot in the Quorum

God bless you, Dr.Shades.

Your brother, as always, in the gospel harness of love.

This post is full of win. Sounds like Uchtdorf is ripe for a lesson on the Apocalrock.

David A. Bednar wrote:You did not go unnoticed, Dr. Shades. But, my handlers were wisking me away while I was trying to stop and speak with you. Just between you and me, we have been worried about possible threats to the Brethrens’ lives in recent days, and we could not take the chance of stopping to speak with a mere apostate. My apologies. Perhaps that was a rash decision on our part. But, I am here now, so I hope no hard feelings have been harbored and no offense has been taken. Certainly, none was meant to be given.

No offense taken, kind sir. I understand that you're a lot busier than I am, since your mantle is far, far greater.

God bless you, Dr.Shades.

May God bless you, too! Maybe when things calm down a little we can get around to having that chat.

Dr. Shades wrote:

May God bless you, too! Maybe when things calm down a little we can get around to having that chat.

i would truly enjoy that. Call for an appointment and we can chat in my office. Please bring Simon along, as well. I like that fella, and, of course, don't forget to bring your dear wife in tow.

Equality wrote:This post is full of win. Sounds like Uchtdorf is ripe for a lesson on the Apocalrock.

Indeed, my dear brother, indeed.

Let me share with you what happened at our latest meeting, just earlier this week.

Brother Uchtdorf had even more books with him. We, the Quorum, all looked at each other, knowing what was coming. A storm was clearly on the horizon.

It seems President Monson was oblivious to the approaching storm. When we entered our special room, there were cakes and brownies spread out all over the table. President Monson apparently is inundated with package after package of delicious Mormon pastries, which arrive at the office, like clockwork, every morning, sent from the grandkids of the widows from his old ward where he served as Bishop so long ago.

Needless to say, we all dug in. Except for Brother Uchtdorf, of course. He complained that they were too sweet, and that he preferred German chocolate cake, baked the proper way.

I fear he is slowly losing the Spirit.

But, there is more. If it was just his ‘high and mightyness’ about German cakes and pastries, I wouldn’t say anything more. Although, for me, they need more sugar, with layers of marshmellows and fudge on top. The German cakes are too dry. Don’t you think?

But, anyway, Brother Uchtdorf pulled out another old dusty tome he said he received from his ancestors in Chemnitz (Karl-Marx Stadt, as he loves to call it, while he chuckles under his breath.) I still don’t get why he chuckles each time he brings up his home town, but, that is neither here or there.

Here is what he read to us today:

A finite being fixed in the same state, however excellent, must according to all our conceptions...contract a kind of indolence or insensibility...which nothing but alteration and variety can cure. It does not, therefore, seem probable that God has actually fixed any created beings whatsoever in the very highest degree of perfection next to himself. Nay, it is impossible to conceive of such a highest degree, and the supposition is absurd, since that which admits of a continual addibility can have no highest....(God, will, then) we believe never produce any beings in such a state as shall not have room enough for them to be still growing in felicity and forever acquiring new happiness, together with new perfection.

President Monson reached for another piece of chocolate cake at this point. Brother Holland motioned to one of his handlers to go and retrieve his copy of the Book of Mormon, even the copy that Hyrum held in his hand at Carthage jail. When his handler returned with the copy, he began to hold it tightly in his hands as Brother Uchtdorf continued.

Brother Uchtdorf said, in that German accent he has, the following:

You see, brethren, the seeds of all Joseph’s ideas can be found in texts predating him by a hundred years or more. These ideas were floating all over Europe before Joseph was born. My grandfather read me these stories when I was a child on his knee.

Brother Christofferson interjected at this point:

Ah, but Brother Uchtdorf, Joseph went a lot farther than that text seems to go.

How so?

said Brother Uchtdorf.

Well

, said Brother Christofferson,

for one thing that text says nothing about God once being a man, only that man can continue on from perfection to perfection.

I said:

Here. Here. Speak the truth, Brother Christofferson. That indeed is one of the unique revelations that Joseph gave to the world. It separates us from all other ‘so-called Christians.’

Elder Scott stood slowly to his feet.

Wait, just a minute, brethren, he said. Slow down. I fear contention is entering the room. I want you all to know that I love you.

Elder Hales jumped to his feet, with tears in his eyes. B

rethren

, he said,

I know the Church is true.

And then he sat down.

Brother Uchtdorf didn’t back down. He continued:

I listened to President Hinckley on T.V. He specifically said that the other half to that famous couplet is not a doctrine, that we don’t know enough about that.

Now, Brother Eyring stood up. He acknowledged that President Hinckley did indeed make that statement. He then said that he misses sitting with his father and trying to figure out all this science and metaphysics. But, as his father before him, he trusted that one day the Lord would make it plain, if we but hold fast to the Iron Rod.

Then I said to Brother Uchtdorf:

Brother, what President Hinckley did in that interview is nothing the leaders haven’t been doing since the beginning. Surely, you have read in our history Joseph denying ever having more than one wife? And John Taylor in England emphatically doing the same. And President Smith under oath in Congress telling a small fib to protect our polygamous brethren in Mexico and Canada.

Don’t you get it? Haven’t German leaders ever told a fib for the greater good of society? Surely you must have heard those kinds of stories while sitting on your grandfather’s knee as a child, no?

At this point the tension was high. President Monson started choking on his brownie and reached for his Pepsi. Elder Eyring gave him a slap on the back. He sunk back in his chair.

Brother Holland had had enough, and stood, tightly clutching the Book of Mormon in his hand. He was literally shaking. I cheered him on. It was quite a powerful performance. The gist of it all was that Brother Uchtdorf was upsetting the pattern of how things are done in the Quorum. And that he would have to crawl under the Book of Mormon before he ever got his way in this Quorum.

Brother Packer woke up at this point from his stupor.

Yes

, he said,

there is an unwritten order in all things, and that with the Spirit, one would know how to proceed. Follow the brethren.

My dear brother Equality, I fear if I continue you may get the idea that we don’t know what we are doing. That we are out of touch.

I told President Hinckley many years ago, that a Dutchman would be far better in the higher ranks than a German. That is plainly obvious now. He is trying to assert his superior European wisdom upon the Quorum, and I will have none of it.

But, it didn’t stop there. Brother Uchtdorf said that we Americans had no clue how to interpret texts, including the Bible, and that Germans were far superior in that regard.

Alas, I fear again that this missive has reached interminable lengths and beg for your forgiveness. I will visit again when I have heard more about this supposed German superiority.

David A. Bednar wrote:At this point the tension was high. President Monson started choking on his brownie and reached for his Pepsi. Elder Eyring gave him a slap on the back. He sunk back in his chair.

Hey Dave,

Sorry, you did a good impersonation for a while, but the above flub is unforgivable. Everyone knows Monson would be chugging ice cold milk with that brownie. It was fun while it lasted, but you stepped out of character there.

Aristotle Smith wrote:

David A. Bednar wrote:At this point the tension was high. President Monson started choking on his brownie and reached for his Pepsi. Elder Eyring gave him a slap on the back. He sunk back in his chair.

Hey Dave,

Sorry, you did a good impersonation for a while, but the above flub is unforgivable. Everyone knows Monson would be chugging ice cold milk with that brownie. It was fun while it lasted, but you stepped out of character there.

Not necessarily.....could have been a caffeine-free Pepsi. ;-)

liz3564 wrote:Not necessarily.....could have been a caffeine-free Pepsi. ;-)

It doesn't have anything to do with caffeine. Monson is semi-infamous for throwing temper tantrums when his milk isn't cold enough. See here:

http://www.mormoncurtain.com/topic_thom ... 1257402064

David A. Bednar wrote:You did not go unnoticed, Dr. Shades.

Yeah right, like the guy in the $5000 suit is going to notice the guy who wouldn't pay that much tithing in a year...

COME ON!

FYI for the board, several of the youths pictured in the O.P are wanted in connection with an assault on Darrick Evanston. Any information should be forwarded to Salt Lake PD.

Thank you.