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From the makers of "The Conveniently Missing Papyrus That We'll Assume Had the Book of Abraham Written On It" and "Freemasons Built Solomon's Temple and That's Why the Signs and Tokens Are Like That" comes a fun and semi-challenging game that the whole family can enjoy for several moments!

It's:

The Book of Mormon Loan-Shifting Game!

This is how the game works:

The Book of Mormon says some things that don't quite fit with its setting in the pre-Columbian Western Hemisphere, but have no fear! In this game, we just change the plain, ordinary meaning of what the Book of Mormon says and declare without evidence that either (A) the Nephites used loan-shifting words to make it sound like they still lived in the Old World and also had anachronisms, or (B) Joseph Smith didn't know what beans or tapirs or macuahuitls were, so he just used words that would make it sound exactly like a 19th-century person familiar with the Bible was writing the book.

There are two levels: Expert and Beginner.

In Expert mode, you have to find archaeological bull's eyes for the Book of Mormon in the New World that DO NOT REQUIRE CHANGING WHAT THE Book of Mormon SAYS.

That is, "steel swords patterned after the sword of Laban," "horses," "chariots," etc., mean exactly what a normal person would think they mean.

In Beginner mode, you just pick some of the things described in the Book of Mormon, and arbitrarily change the meaning of the word either to make it fit things that really did exist in the ancient Americas, or change it to something that explains why evidence of this something isn't around anymore.

Have fun!

I'll go first.

One stumbling block for the critics on this board who are in the bitter galls of apostasy and are nothing more than Satan's marionettes is the lack of anyone ever finding a single Nephite city.

The Book of Mormon speaks of the Nephites constructing buildings out of cement. Helaman chapter 3, for example.

The Book of Mormon also talks about roads being made of cement. Michael Ash talks about cement roads built by the Mayans that are still around today, thinking this corroborates the Book of Mormon, but actually begging the question of why we can't find any Nephite cement roads if we can find Mayan cement roads. Same with cement used in constructing buildings in ancient Mesoamerica---if we can find such buildings made a long, long time ago by Mayans/Aztecs/etc., why can't we find any Nephite cement construction? http://www.mormonfortress.com/cement.html

The answer is simple. The purpose of the Book of Mormon is not to be a treatise on engineering or chemistry, but to bring people to Christ. It is entirely plausible that "cement" is how the ancient Nephites referred to mud. Thus, "cement dwellings" would be mud huts, cement highways would be roads paved with mud, etc. And this explains why there is no evidence of such construction now. I mean, come on. It's mud. It doesn't last forever.

Thus, loan-shifting the word "cement" to refer to mud explains why we don't see Nephite construction today. The lack of evidence is exactly what we would expect to find if the story is true.

Let me try:
Apparently, a reanimated primate appeared and quoted from a book that had yet to be written to the people in Nephi land. Why no record or remains of this world changing event?

BOOM.

Christ was a snake, of course, and one with feathers at that.

There was a moment....

First I want to state that Darth is one analytical fella (seriously). Now let me give this a shot.

Odds are, Isaiah was authored by two or even three folks. The second and third portions of Isaiah were penned around 6th century BC and later making it very difficult for Lehi and his friendly band of immigrants to have access to a large portion of Isaiah. The time-line makes it very difficult for the Book of Mormon to include a significant portion of Isaiah yet when one reads within the covers one will find that the Book of Mormon does include these writings found in later Isaiah.

This is not a problem whatsoever. The scholars that have broken Isaiah down into two and even three different periods of writing are incorrect. Even if they are correct what is to stop divinity from shipping over portions of Isaiah to Nephi in order for Nephi's soul to delighteth in said Isaiah? Problem solved if there ever was a problem.

I'm going to take a more direct, textual approach. Only my theory is, the Book of Mormon is actually set in modern-day Jersey Shore, and is an ancient Mayan prophetic text. Here we go.

1 I, Nick, having been born of good parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father like fixing cars and crap; and having seen many bimbos in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of Virgin Mary in all my days; yeah, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of mixing Jell-O shots, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.

2 Yeah, I make a record in the language of my dad, which consists of the learning of the mooks and the language of the Guidos.

3 And I know that the record which I make is totally true; and I make it with my Desktop PC.

4 And it came to pass in the start of the first year that I dropped out of college; and in that same year there came many douchebags, prophesying unto the people that I wouldn't amount to anything, but I proved them all wrong, bro.

5 Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Tony, as he went forth prayed unto the Virgin Mary, yeah, even with all his fuckin' heart, in behalf of his wayward son.

6 And it came to pass as he prayed unto Mary, there came a pillar of Fire Cheetos and some excellent rock music before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he did quake and tremble exceedingly - it coulda been that Jagermeister he drank, though.

7 And it came to pass that he returned to his own crib; and he cast himself upon his bed, being overcome with the Spirit (or the Jagermeister) and the things which he had seen.

And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

In this quote, simply replace "God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ" with "yourself," replace "sincere heart" with "a heart that is predisposed to Mormon myth," replace the word "truth" with "tingly feelings," expand the phrase "real intent" to read "real intent to believe at all costs," and replace "Holy Ghost" with "your mind's voice and emotional state" and this phrase has never been more accurate!

So, how do we win this game, anyway?

Imagine the disappointment of all those people trying to steal the plates away from Joseph Smith. Had they actually been successful they would have found out that gold was a color and not a metal. If only Joseph had cleared that up at the beginning by letting people know they were not made out of gold but were merely gold colored, he might not had to spend so much time hiding them or running around at top speed carrying them.

Fence Sitter wrote:Imagine the disappointment of all those people trying to steal the plates away from Joseph Smith. Had they actually been successful they would have found out that gold was a color and not a metal. If only Joseph had cleared that up at the beginning by letting people know they were not made out of gold but were merely gold colored, he might not had to spend so much time hiding them or running around at top speed carrying them.

Joseph should have just let them have the plates. After all, he didn't use them in the translation.

Buffalo wrote:

Fence Sitter wrote:Imagine the disappointment of all those people trying to steal the plates away from Joseph Smith. Had they actually been successful they would have found out that gold was a color and not a metal. If only Joseph had cleared that up at the beginning by letting people know they were not made out of gold but were merely gold colored, he might not had to spend so much time hiding them or running around at top speed carrying them.

Joseph should have just let them have the plates. After all, he didn't use them in the translation.

So, wait, why was God concerned that Joseph Smith would sell them to get money if they were just some random yellow metal?

just me wrote:
So, wait, why was God concerned that Joseph Smith would sell them to get money if they were just some random yellow metal?

Um... er... God works in mysterious ways? VERRRRY mysterious if you're Mormon.