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LDS Church Patents Holy Ghost�
By Stephen Carter

SALT LAKE CITY�Surprising the entire Christian world, the LDS Church announced today that it has patented the Holy Ghost�. The Holy Ghost� will now be felt only in and around LDS services, authorized missionary encounters, and Mormon-sponsored television ads.

The Holy Ghost�, also known as the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, and the Paraclete, has been notoriously unpredictable in the past, coming upon people of all creeds in a variety of circumstances. Now the Holy Ghost� is where he belongs, say church officials.

�The Holy Ghost� and his influence clearly belong only in LDS Church�sponsored events, since this is God�s only true church,� said church spokesman Mark S. Walcott.

As the patent holder, Walcott said the church will insist on its proprietary ownership of the Holy Ghost� and will require any unlicensed users of the Holy Ghost� to register and pay a fee or else suffer litigation.

�However, we are giving all religions, both Christian and non-Christian, a six-month grace period wherein they can either license with us or discontinue use of the Holy Spirit completely,� Walcott said.

Much of the Christian world expressed outrage at the patent, and the Catholic Church is taking up the gauntlet. �If anyone deserves the patent on the Holy Ghost�, it is obviously the church that Christ himself set up through Peter,� said Marcus Barberra, head of legal affairs for the Vatican. �We will fight this patent in the American courts till the Second Coming, if needs be.�

LDS Church chief attorney M. David Scottsdale doesn�t think the Catholic Church�s appeals will hold up in court. �No offense,� said Scottsdale, �but their concept of the Holy Ghost� is, shall we say, an earlier version put together when mankind�s knowledge of heavenly things was decidedly incomplete. But with the update of modern revelation, we have the real McCoy. The Catholic Church�s version is clearly obsolete and ineffectual prior art.�

Some other LDS law practitioners have pointed out that since the Holy Ghost� is the ultimate testifier of truth, the Catholic Church will be hard pressed to find a better witness to back up their case. �And then if they do call on the Holy Ghost� to witness, well, they�ll have to license him first, which would prove that they believe him to be the true Spirit, backing up our case beautifully,� said Albert P. Hossman, a law professor at Brigham Young University.

To protect the patent, the LDS Church is already preparing investigative missionaries at its training center in Provo, Utah, to sniff out unlicensed usage of the Holy Ghost�. �It�s a simple job, really,� said Elder Andy Tutter, a budding investigative missionary. �We go to non-Mormon church meetings, and if we feel the Spirit we check for registration. If we can�t find any authentic credentials, we phone the piracy into Salt Lake City, and headquarters will immediately inform the offending church of its violation. If they continue to violate the patent, we�ll have no choice but to pursue legal action.�

United States Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT), a member of the LDS Church, has suggested that the church think about installing a satellite-enhanced destruct-o-ray that can be used on offending churches all over the globe. �Boom! Pow! Kazap! Right in the kisser!� said the Senator. �Holy Ghost� piracy will be a thing of the past.�

The lighter side of an investigative missionary�s job is to allow non-Mormons to experience the Holy Ghost� on a trial basis. The potential user must officially register for the companionship of the Holy Ghost� before the evaluation period is up, or the Spirit will be automatically removed.

Members of the LDS Church shouldn�t notice any difference in the Holy Ghost� when the patent goes into effect, said church officials. �His presence will remain undiminished in fully-licensed LDS ward houses,� said Walcott. �Unless, of course, tithe payment drops below 75 percent in any ward occupying the meetinghouse.�

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For more than 30 years, our creative professionals have designed public service and direct response messages for national nonprofit organizations such as the Huntsman Cancer Institute, Boy Scouts of America, National Hospice Foundation, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and The Salvation Army.

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We are an advertising agency engaged in communications for quality life. Our people are driven by the belief that advertising can - and should - be a powerful, positive influence on the values and lives of people.

Visit us at Bonneville.com

Buffalo wrote:Am I the only one so disturbed by this?

Buffalo wrote:Am I the only one so disturbed by this?

Buffalo wrote:

At Bonneville Communications, our ability to touch the hearts and minds of audiences makes us an essential resource for organizations with vital messages.

For more than 30 years, our creative professionals have designed public service and direct response messages for national nonprofit organizations such as the Huntsman Cancer Institute, Boy Scouts of America, National Hospice Foundation, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and The Salvation Army.

Our unique strength is the ability to touch the hearts and minds of our audiences, evoking first feeling, then thought and, finally, action. We call this uniquely powerful brand of creative "HeartSell"® - strategic emotional advertising that stimulates response.

Our people not only create effective messages; we get them out effectively. We maintain an ongoing public service relationship with more than 11,000 radio and TV stations and networks, and cable networks and systems in North America alone. We distribute public service and paid media campaigns directly from our offices in Salt Lake City.

We provide all pre-production, production, and post-production services, as well as state-of-the-art special effects and post-production facilities, closed captioning, electronic tagging, and video and audio duplication.

We are an advertising agency engaged in communications for quality life. Our people are driven by the belief that advertising can - and should - be a powerful, positive influence on the values and lives of people.

Visit us at Bonneville.com

moksha wrote:I don't believe you can find the term Heartsell® on the the Church's Bonneville or other sites anymore.

moksha wrote:


I don't believe you can find the term Heartsell® on the the Church's Bonneville or other sites anymore. Somebody must have later on realized the inherent parody potential that Heartsell® held in relationship to the Church's missionary efforts. Still, there was something very cleaver in making the bearing of testimonies the basis for an entrepreneurial way to promote commercial ventures. Heartsell® could have also have used the slogan "Make you Business Bosom Burning".