An Alternative Formal Apology

[_Darth J]

March 4, 2012

To all general and local priesthood officers of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints throughout the world:

Dear Bretheren:

Since 1978, the Church has continually had to make excuses of "a dog ate my homework" type for why the Church practiced ecclesiastical apartheid for the vast majority of its existence. There are those both inside and outside of the Church who view the policy of denying the priesthood to otherwise worthy black men as racist, and therefore wrong. While various after-the-fact apologia have been offered, including but not limited to the tu quoque of biblical accounts about early Palestinian Christian Jews refusing to teach the gospel to gentiles, and the tribal sacerdotal hegemony found in the ancient Hebrew blood cult described in the Torah, we acknowledge that the root cause of the priesthood ban runs much deeper.

Although the Church recently issued an ambiguous press release stating that the reasons for the priesthood ban are not known, this is true only to the extent that we cannot show you a specific purported revelation in which God would have told Joseph Smith or Brigham Young not to let black men have the priesthood. However, the overall reason for the priesthood ban is very well known, and it is this story that merits an apology to the members of the Church, regardless of their race or color.

According to official church doctrine, the human race began when a single mated pair of individuals entered mortality in what is now Missouri. This happened in approximately 4,000 B.C. No plant or animal life experienced death or mortality until a literal (not symbolic) talking snake gave Eve the idea to eat a piece of fruit that would make her understand the difference between good and evil. After Adam and Eve---and remember, these were the only homo sapiens on the planet in 4,000 B.C.---were cast into the lone and dreary world (as good a description as any for Missouri), they had two sons named Cain and Abel. Cain failed to murder animals to appease God, which made Cain less favored than his brother, Abel. So Satan came and told Cain that by murdering Abel, Cain would become the master of a great secret. Cain therefore murdered Abel, and, as punishment, God turned Cain into the first Negro. Being made a Negro, however, was merely the outward sign of Cain and his lineage being denied the priesthood. Cain evidently had incestuous relations with one or more of his sisters (perforce, since the only humans in existence were Adam and Eve's children), which continued the Negro race. Eventually, God told Noah to build a waterborne vessel into which eight human beings, as well as a mating pair for every animal on Earth that was to persist into our current times, were to board. Then God made it rain for the first time in the Earth's existence (remember, this is in the last 5,000 years or so), to the point where this entire planet was underwater. Then the water went.......somewhere, and the human and animal refugees left Noah's ark. All human and animal life on this planet descended from those who were aboard Noah's ark. One of Noah's sons, Ham, married a black woman named Egyptus, who gave the Greek name to Egypt centuries before the fact, and it was from this mating that the Negro ethnicity continued in the world. Although black people from Africa in fact represent hundreds of genetically diverse ethnic groups, nevertheless all black men of "African descent" were supposed by the Church to be from this lineage of Cain through Ham.

Every field of study involved with the origins and development of the human race and civilization overwhelmingly refutes the story described in the paragraph above. Biology, geology, anthropology, archaeology, and history---to name a few broad categories---show beyond any reasonable dispute that LDS teachings about the origins of the human race, including the origins of black people, are a hysterically infantile and ludicrous myth.

Since it can be conclusively demonstrated from this alone that the truth claims of the LDS Church are false, the priesthood ban, while regrettable, would seem to be a moot point. We are sorry for any inconvenience that belief in our ridiculous fairy tales may have caused.

In any other context, common law fraud involves making a statement either untruthfully, or with a reckless disregard for the truth, for the purpose of inducing another to act (or forbear to act, in some cases)---typically by giving money in reliance on the false statement. We are grateful for the divinely inspired Constitution of the United States, whose First Amendment prohibits a court from evaluating the truth value of religious teachings, and we thank those of you who have given countless dollars in tithing over the years.

Sincerely,
Thomas S. Monson
Henry B. Eyring
Dieter F. Uchtdorf

[_Shulem]

The Facsimile No. 3
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A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

WE, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that the Explanations tendered in the Book of Abraham of the Pearl of Great Price are true and correct.

1. King Pharaoh, whose name is given in the characters above his head is contained in the writing. We encourage those who are interested in knowing this name to pray and fast about it until the Lord answers their prayers.

2. Prince of Pharaoh, King of Egypt, as written above the hand. We testify that the prince was really a man dressing up like a woman and encourage all saints to read deeply into the writing of professor Hugh Nibley.

3. Shulem, one of the king's principal waiters, as represented by the characters above his hand. We know by the power of the Holy Ghost that the name Shulem is contained in the characters. The world would teach otherwise, but the Lord has blessed the saints with true knowledge.

4. Olimlah, a slave belonging to the prince. We desire all saints to enjoy the blessings which the Lord gave to the world since 1978. There is no shame in being black.

Sincerely,
Thomas S. Monson
Henry B. Eyring
Dieter F. Uchtdorf

[_Fifth Columnist]

Darth J, I love that apology!