FIVE IMPOSSIBLE THINGS BEFORE BREAKFAST....
Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:12 pm
"...I have routinely believed in five impossible things before breakfast." (The Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland)
To be a good Mormon, one who follows the Brethren and believes what they teach, one had to believe in the following five things:
1. Adam and Eve were two anglo-saxon looking white people who lived in Missouri 6,000 years ago,
and they were the first humans; Adam being made of clay and Eve from one of his ribs.
2. The bones of dinosaurs are from other planets, since this planet is made from the remnants of other planets.
3. Cain killed Abel, so God marked him with a black skin, kinky hair, and a flat nose, whereas before the mark he was an Anglo-Saxon white man, and Cain married one of his sisters, and God changed her into the second Negro. There was no Negro race before Cain and his sister.
4. The American continents were barren of all human life except for one surviving Jaredite, until Lehi and Ishmael and their families arrived here about 600 B.C., with their horses and oxen and donkies and sheep and goats, and all American Indians are the direct descendants of the Jew Lehi and the Arab Ishmael, but God changed their DNA, and gave them a skin of blackness, because they were lazy, indolent, and filthy in their habits, and that is why their DNA does not match Jews or Arabs today; because God "changed" them to seem like Asians, with smooth hairless bodies, with Mongolian folds in their eyes (like other Asians), straight black hair that with round (not curved) shaft (like other Asians), with Mongolian dot on their tailbones (like other Asians), with a language similar to other Asians, with beliefs similar to other Asians, but they are really of Hebrew and Arab lineage.
5. Noah lived in what is now North Carolina, and during the flood he took his family and two of every animal, and got them aboard the Ark, but everybody on the planet drowned, all humans and all animals, who were not on the Ark, but Ham married a black Negro woman who was pregnant with a Negro child named Canaan, and that is how the Negro race survived the Flood, and the Ark sailed all the way to Armenia and landed upon the top of Mount Ararat, 14,000 feet above sea level, because the waters of the Flood covered all the high mountains. But one of the sons of Canaan took one of his sisters, and built a huge raft, and he said, "I will not take horses or oxen or donkies or goats or cows or sheep or chickens or any of the really useful animals, but I will take Coalla Bears and various other kinds of marsupials, such as Kangaroos and Marsupial lions and Marsupial Tigers, and I will find my own land!" So, he took a sister and built a huge raft and took all these Marsupials (i.e. non-mammals) and sailed down the Tigris to the Persian Gulf, and then to the Indian Ocean, and sailed to Australia, with thousands of totally unique kinds of plants and animals, and this is why Australia has had thousands of completely unique types of plants and animals, because of this son of Canaan and his raft.
Can you now see "why" Mark Hofmann became an Atheist at age 14?
To be a good Mormon, one who follows the Brethren and believes what they teach, one had to believe in the following five things:
1. Adam and Eve were two anglo-saxon looking white people who lived in Missouri 6,000 years ago,
and they were the first humans; Adam being made of clay and Eve from one of his ribs.
2. The bones of dinosaurs are from other planets, since this planet is made from the remnants of other planets.
3. Cain killed Abel, so God marked him with a black skin, kinky hair, and a flat nose, whereas before the mark he was an Anglo-Saxon white man, and Cain married one of his sisters, and God changed her into the second Negro. There was no Negro race before Cain and his sister.
4. The American continents were barren of all human life except for one surviving Jaredite, until Lehi and Ishmael and their families arrived here about 600 B.C., with their horses and oxen and donkies and sheep and goats, and all American Indians are the direct descendants of the Jew Lehi and the Arab Ishmael, but God changed their DNA, and gave them a skin of blackness, because they were lazy, indolent, and filthy in their habits, and that is why their DNA does not match Jews or Arabs today; because God "changed" them to seem like Asians, with smooth hairless bodies, with Mongolian folds in their eyes (like other Asians), straight black hair that with round (not curved) shaft (like other Asians), with Mongolian dot on their tailbones (like other Asians), with a language similar to other Asians, with beliefs similar to other Asians, but they are really of Hebrew and Arab lineage.
5. Noah lived in what is now North Carolina, and during the flood he took his family and two of every animal, and got them aboard the Ark, but everybody on the planet drowned, all humans and all animals, who were not on the Ark, but Ham married a black Negro woman who was pregnant with a Negro child named Canaan, and that is how the Negro race survived the Flood, and the Ark sailed all the way to Armenia and landed upon the top of Mount Ararat, 14,000 feet above sea level, because the waters of the Flood covered all the high mountains. But one of the sons of Canaan took one of his sisters, and built a huge raft, and he said, "I will not take horses or oxen or donkies or goats or cows or sheep or chickens or any of the really useful animals, but I will take Coalla Bears and various other kinds of marsupials, such as Kangaroos and Marsupial lions and Marsupial Tigers, and I will find my own land!" So, he took a sister and built a huge raft and took all these Marsupials (i.e. non-mammals) and sailed down the Tigris to the Persian Gulf, and then to the Indian Ocean, and sailed to Australia, with thousands of totally unique kinds of plants and animals, and this is why Australia has had thousands of completely unique types of plants and animals, because of this son of Canaan and his raft.
Can you now see "why" Mark Hofmann became an Atheist at age 14?
