Sexual Dysfunction in Mormon Marriages

[_Carton]

Recent events in the lives of some friends of ours has made me curious about the extent of sexual dysfunction among Mormon married couples.

A friend of my wife recently announced to her that she is divorcing her second husband. Her first divorce occurred about 15 years ago, and sexual problems were at the root of that first divorce. We ended up learning that the wife had real issues with any kind of sexual activity that she considered "unholy or impure". Now she is getting divorced from the second husband, as a result (according to her) of his "pornography addiction". But, as there are always two sides to every story, we ended up learning that his "porn addiction" consisted primarily of him looking online at things that he could not do with his wife in their marriage bed—primarily oral sex. His wife thinks oral sex (both giving and receiving) is "degrading" and "disgusting". I feel real bad for the guy because now he is being labeled as a "porn addict" when I think the real problem is that he is just sexually frustrated in his marriage. Now I don't mean to suggest that "porn addiction" is just a made up thing. I don't think that. I think some people really get hooked on porn and it becomes very damaging to them and it has nothing to do with their spouses being prudes or denying them sexually in their marriage. But my wife and I know of quite a few cases among our Mormon friends where there is what we would call "sexual dysfunction" or real hang-ups.

Anyway, I'm now curious about how pervasive these kinds of problems are among other Mormons. That's why I've started this thread.

So, I'll start it off with a series of questions for you to consider:

- Do you believe there are some sexual activities in marriage that are justifiably considered "unholy and impure"? If so, what? Why?

- Do you think your spouse has sexual hang-ups of any kind? If so, what are they? Are these hang-ups causing tension in your marriage?

- If there is some degree of sexual dysfunction in your marriage, do you turn to pornography to view those things you wish you could be doing with your spouse?

- Have you or your spouse ever received counsel from your bishop or stake president about sexual issues? In your opinion, did this counsel help or harm your marriage?

There might be other questions that come to mind as the thread progresses. But I think these would be a good start for the discussion.

[_Carton]

I guess I should answer the questions first.

- Do you believe there are some sexual activities in marriage that are justifiably considered "unholy and impure"? If so, what? Why?

There are some things I"m aware of that I suppose I would consider "unholy and impure", but they are things that I would call "way out there" gross things like "golden showers" and what not. For the most part, I would say that whatever the couple both feel comfortable with is fine.

- Do you think your spouse has sexual hang-ups of any kind? If so, what are they? Are these hang-ups causing tension in your marriage?

I'm not aware of any sexual "hang ups" that my wife has. She likes sex a lot and has always seemed willing to give anything a try. And if it works, we stick with it.

- If there is some degree of sexual dysfunction in your marriage, do you turn to pornography to view those things you wish you could be doing with your spouse?

I don't think there is sexual dysfunction in my marriage. I have seen pornography, but it is not something that holds much appeal for me. For the most part, it seems fake to me, so I don't really like it.

- Have you or your spouse ever received counsel from your bishop or stake president about sexual issues? In your opinion, did this counsel help or harm your marriage?

STrangely enough, neither my wife or I have ever had a bishop or SP counsel us about sexual issues. I know it has happened with others, but for whatever reason, we've never had it happen to us.

[_Hades]

In the real world (I live outside of Utah), I hear about porn, but I don't hear anything about porn addiction. Is that a Mormon phenomenon?

[_DarkHelmet]

Recent events in the lives of some friends of ours has made me curious about the extent of sexual dysfunction among Mormon married couples.

A friend of my wife recently announced to her that she is divorcing her second husband. Her first divorce occurred about 15 years ago, and sexual problems were at the root of that first divorce. We ended up learning that the wife had real issues with any kind of sexual activity that she considered "unholy or impure". Now she is getting divorced from the second husband, as a result (according to her) of his "pornography addiction". But, as there are always two sides to every story, we ended up learning that his "porn addiction" consisted primarily of him looking online at things that he could not do with his wife in their marriage bed—primarily oral sex. His wife thinks oral sex (both giving and receiving) is "degrading" and "disgusting". I feel real bad for the guy because now he is being labeled as a "porn addict" when I think the real problem is that he is just sexually frustrated in his marriage. Now I don't mean to suggest that "porn addiction" is just a made up thing. I don't think that. I think some people really get hooked on porn and it becomes very damaging to them and it has nothing to do with their spouses being prudes or denying them sexually in their marriage. But my wife and I know of quite a few cases among our Mormon friends where there is what we would call "sexual dysfunction" or real hang-ups.

Anyway, I'm now curious about how pervasive these kinds of problems are among other Mormons. That's why I've started this thread.

So, I'll start it off with a series of questions for you to consider:

- Do you believe there are some sexual activities in marriage that are justifiably considered "unholy and impure"? If so, what? Why?

Anything that makes one partner uncomfortable isn't good, and anything that is dangerous should be avoided. Other than that, go for it.

- Do you think your spouse has sexual hang-ups of any kind? If so, what are they? Are these hang-ups causing tension in your marriage?

- If there is some degree of sexual dysfunction in your marriage, do you turn to pornography to view those things you wish you could be doing with your spouse?

- Have you or your spouse ever received counsel from your bishop or stake president about sexual issues? In your opinion, did this counsel help or harm your marriage?

No to the rest of the questions.

[Guest]

.

[_3sheets2thewind]

I had a mission comp who said cullingus is wrong becuase it violates the birth canal, but oral sex on a husband is ok.

I know of other where the wife will recieve oral but not give oral.

Is there sexual dysfunction among LDS couples? Yes. I know of another female who is now divorced her statement "we had sex so much I never could have known he was gay" .... Their "so much sex" was maybe sex twice a month.

[_Carton]

I guess the straw that broke the camel's toe ... I mean camel's back was that this husband was encouraging his wife to let him trim her pubic hair, then wanted to give her a shower and then give her oral sex. The wife became convinced that he had learned about those things from watching online porn and that he wanted her to become "whorish" by trimming her pubic hair! When my wife told his wife (they went out to lunch last week to talk about the impending divorce) that she keeps her pubic hair very shortly cropped and that she loves receiving cunnilingus ..... well, the poor woman just about fell off her chair. This was right at the end of their lunch date, so they didn't talk about it any more. They're going to lunch again this week, so it will be interesting to see if the subject comes up again.

One of the other things the woman said was that "sexual fluids" can cause sickness, or something like that. My wife was too stunned to say anything about that.

[_Buffalo]

"SEX IS DIRTY!!!"

- the message that the youth get from the church. No surprise that some take it to heart.

[_SteelHead]

- Do you believe there are some sexual activities in marriage that are justifiably considered "unholy and impure"? If so, what? Why?

Anything that the couple agrees upon goes.

- Do you think your spouse has sexual hang-ups of any kind? If so, what are they? Are these hang-ups causing tension in your marriage?

Current Brazilian wife, no.
Ex BIC wife raised in SE Idaho yes. Anything outside of penis in vagina created issues. Generally felt sex was icky.

- Have you or your spouse ever received counsel from your bishop or stake president about sexual issues? In your opinion, did this counsel help or harm your marriage?

With current wife no. We had frank upfront discussions about sexuality before marrying. She also has none of the cultural taboos common in so many raised in the church peoples. We would never go to a church leader for sex advice, mainly based on my previous experiences. We generally go by the rule if one of us wants sex and the other doesn't, we have it. This rule applies both ways. Meaning no body refuses unless they are really really with a good reason.

My ex was a refuser and would refuse for weeks...... Really helpful to a relationship to be constantly refused.

With current wife, we would be considered fairly freaky by tbm standards, but fairly normal but most of the world and definitely within her cultural norms.

Kinky is a feather b0a (wants to show up as Book of Abraham), perverted is the whole chicken.

With ex wife yes. The counsel was harmful, violated chi instructions of not counciling about sex and was basically in line with the 1978 letter. 20 some odd years later those beliefs are still widely held amongst the leadership and is still often preached. The church is great about screwing up people sexually, especially the females in regards to married sexuality eg unhealthy views, and stigmatizing the youth with masturbation.

My ex wife's unhealthy view of sex was one of the principal reasons our marriage failed. Bishops and stake presidents are horrible resources for sex counseling. Mormon counselors are for the most part also awful.

My current sex life is very fulfilling..... We average at least once a day, and variety is the spice of life.

[_SteelHead]

I guess the straw that broke the camel's toe ... I mean camel's back was that this husband was encouraging his wife to let him trim her pubic hair, then wanted to give her a shower and then give her oral sex. The wife became convinced that he had learned about those things from watching online porn and that he wanted her to become "whorish" by trimming her pubic hair! When my wife told his wife (they went out to lunch last week to talk about the impending divorce) that she keeps her pubic hair very shortly cropped and that she loves receiving cunnilingus ..... well, the poor woman just about fell off her chair. This was right at the end of their lunch date, so they didn't talk about it any more. They're going to lunch again this week, so it will be interesting to see if the subject comes up again.

One of the other things the woman said was that "sexual fluids" can cause sickness, or something like that. My wife was too stunned to say anything about that.

If we were to eliminate any sexual activity that is common to porn, for the fear of appearing whorish, then there would be no sex act left. What a stupid sentiment.

But totally in line with what is taught by the church. We produce sexually broken people and expect their partners to suffer through bad relationships.......