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Contention is when you deal with conflict in an ugly, nasty, hostile, overbearing and contemptuous way

What is the ideal conflict-resolution style?
Collaboration would be ideal, but it’s beyond the skill sets that most people have. So compromise is a healthy alternative. Compromise is a more equitable form of competition. Competition is “I don’t care what happens to you. I’m just out for myself, and I’m going to assume you’re doing the same.” Compromise is when two people who are competing realize that beating each other up increases the risk that both end up dead. Compromise is the more likely strategy that people use when they feel that the alternative, open hostility and winning everything at all costs, isn’t worth it. Compromise is giving a little. At least we can feel like we’ve got some measure of fairness. Most people in most social situations, if they believe that they have been dealt with with an appropriate level of fairness, can live with that.

liz3564 wrote:This is a good article. Thanks for sharing, Bob!

I found this particular section interesting:

What is the ideal conflict-resolution style?
Collaboration would be ideal, but it’s beyond the skill sets that most people have. So compromise is a healthy alternative. Compromise is a more equitable form of competition. Competition is “I don’t care what happens to you. I’m just out for myself, and I’m going to assume you’re doing the same.” Compromise is when two people who are competing realize that beating each other up increases the risk that both end up dead. Compromise is the more likely strategy that people use when they feel that the alternative, open hostility and winning everything at all costs, isn’t worth it. Compromise is giving a little. At least we can feel like we’ve got some measure of fairness. Most people in most social situations, if they believe that they have been dealt with with an appropriate level of fairness, can live with that.

(Bold emphasis mine)

I am curious as to why an instructor of group psychology, who honestly feels that collaboration is the BEST style of conflict-resolution, only gives that style a passing tacit approval without going into more detail about how such a style could be accomplished. He seems to be saying that compromise, rather than collaboration, is what we're "stuck with" since collaboration is much more difficult. Doesn't collaboration involve compromise? And who is to say that collaborating, or working together to find common ground, is impossible in more cases than not? It seems to me that this type of thinking is passive-aggressive in and of itself.

Malkie wrote:"The healthy kind of conflict, unlike contention, which is hostile and contemptuous, is, “Look, we disagree on this. We can still respect each other. Let’s figure out a solution that doesn’t necessarily subvert my interests for yours, or yours for mine. Let’s come up with some solution that neither of us thought about, that could work for both of us. Or, if that’s not possible, let’s figure out a way that we can split the difference and feel like we’ve been treated with fairness.”".

It communicates the wrong idea. If we really want to understand what passive aggression is, we should call it passive contempt, or passive hostility. When you try to avoid conflict, it’s really contempt for the other party. You have no desire to work with them. And sometimes it’s contempt for yourself. You’re not going to assert your needs, your wants, your interest. What happens if we subordinate our concerns, our hopes, our fears, our aspirations? In the long run, it’s disastrous for us, in terms of our emotional and psychological well-being. It destroys any kind of authentic, honest relationship we have with others, because we grow to resent it.