Erin Ann McBride, 5 dating deal breakers...
Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:09 pm
Sometimes it feels like all we hear are the things we should not do when dating. What not to say, what not to wear, what not to do (i.e. sex), but we rarely hear what we should be doing. Let’s change that today!
How many of you singles have heard some patronizing married person tell you all you need to do is know that the other person has a testimony and goes to church, and that is all that matters? We would all like to think that is all it takes to form a happy marriage, but the divorce rate tells us otherwise. Sure it would be great if we all had the faith to marry someone based simply on the fact that they are a “good person,” and we could make it work. But the truth is, that really is not enough. (Go see your local bookstore self help/relationships section for further evidence.)
So what should we be asking? What does make a difference in the long run in relationships? Here’s a list of questions and scenarios to help you decide what is important enough to you to form some dealbreakers in your relationship quests.
Scenario 1: Your fifteen year old daughter is two weeks away from her sixteenth birthday. But the homecoming dance is this week. She has been asked to the dance by a very nice young man you find no faults with (except that he’s made you have to answer this question). It will be a group date. She has picked out a modest dress. She is very excited. But! She is not yet sixteen. Does two weeks really matter? Is it about the letter of the law or the spirit of the law? Should she be denied homecoming all because of 2 measly weeks? What is your answer and what is the answer of your partner? And is this spirit versus letter mentality a deal breaker?
Scenario 2: You work full-time in a high stress job. All you ask for is two hours to yourself to hang out with friends once a month, at your set game night. But your spouse has his or her monthly church meeting that night. Someone has to either take your active toddler with them, or stay home and put Little One to bed. How do you decide? Do you stay home? Hire a sitter? Who’s needs are more important? And how do you solve the dilemma?
Scenario 3: Your mother adores you, but doesn’t care for your significant other- at all. You have been invited to your significant other’s family’s Thanksgiving. Your mother expects you home for hers. She does not want your significant other to attend. Your significant other will be crushed if you turn down the chance to meet her/his family. S/he has been dying to show you off back home. Your mother is pulling out all of the stops in the guilt trip express. How do you decide? Do you include your significant other in the decision making process?
Scenario 4: You are on a family vacation, traveling over a Sunday. Do you eat out? Put gas in the car? Pack meals and avoid all Sabbath breaking activities no matter how inconvenient? Try not to travel on Sunday? What do you mean the Sabbath rules apply on vacation?
Scenario 5: Your spouse is exhausted. S/he has had a very long week with home and professional responsibilities. You have church meetings that will take you away from home for several hours on Saturday. Your spouse would really like you to ask someone else to fill in for you, and you stay home and help out so s/he can get some rest. Which is more important? Church duties or your spouse’s nap time?
Every single one of these scenarios has happened to me to some degree. Never with a spouse or my own children, but scenarios that different significant others and I have witnessed or experienced while dating. And every single one of them turned into a dealbreaker over our different answers. Ten years later I’m still shocked that a great relationship came to an end over whether or not I should have to take a two year old to Enrichment night with me, or if he should stay home from video game night at his brother’s house. (A 2 year old, that mind you, didn’t exist.) For me the answer was obvious- hire a babysitter! To him it was appalling that I would ever consider hiring a babysitter for any reason other than a family member on their death bed.
I remember all too well my sister’s bridal shower many moons ago where we played a game where she had to answer questions about her soon-to-be husband to prove how well she knew him. The questions included his eye color, favorite food, favorite band, and whether he liked the toilet paper roll to turn over or under (I remember that one specifically because it had never occurred to be that people would have a preference). Not one of those questions proved that she knew the important things about her husband- like does he pay his bills on time? Does he pay his tithing before or after he pays his bills? Things like that matter- if they matter to you. Toilet paper direction does not.
http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/11499
