The 2012 Sampson Avard Golden Scepter Award

[_Doctor Scratch]

Friends and colleagues--once again, in my capacity as the B. H. Roberts Chair of Mopologetics Studies, it is my enormous pleasure to announce this year's Sampson Avard Golden Scepter Award. For those unfamiliar with this honor, the award was established in 2010 by Dean Robbers to celebrate the accomplishments of someone (nearly always a TBM) "whose role in the course and/or study of Mopologetics has had an enormous and undeniable impact on the field." This year marks a dramatic change from years past, as we have two recipients this time. The first individual has provided enormous insight into the means that Mopologists use to cyber-stalk and conduct surveillance on Church critics. Though we've always known that the Mopologists maintained "creepy dossiers" at SHIELDS, and that DCP worked for the SCMC, and that Dr. Hamblin has training in high-pressure interrogation techniques, we hadn't quite known the full extent that some of the Mopologists are willing to go. Thus, we owe an enormous debt of gratitude to our first winner, who, via his work cyber-stalking John Dehlin and David Twede, helped us to better understand the full-scope of Mopologetic surveillance and "intelligence-gathering." Please extend a round of congratulations to:

Trevor Holyoak!

Our other, co-recipient scarcely needs any introduction. This man--nay, legend--has utterly reshaped the Mopologetic landscape. He singlehandedly reinvigorated the word "game-changer." Do I really need to tell you who our next winner is? Yes, that's right, it's:

M. Gerald Bradford!

I hope you will all join me and my colleagues at Cassius University in congratulating Dr. Bradford and Bro. Holyoak for their remarkable work in advancing the field of Mopologetics Studies.

[Guest]

I would invite the recipients of this year's Sampson Avard Golden Scepter Award to submit acceptance speeches via email to the Cassius University's facilities manager, William Davis, who will deliver them to Dean Robbers, Doctor Scratch, and Reverend Kishkumen to be shared with Mormon Discussions and the world.

These coveted Scepters are being conferred upon truly deserving recipients this year, and this has raised an important issue in my mind. Once we hand out the Scepters, how will we memorialize the recipients at Cassius? I propose that we gather up the names of all the recipients and have them engraved on an award plaque. The plaque will then be mounted in the waiting area of Dean Robber's office suite for all to see.

What say ye?

[_Darth J]

This is truly a remarkable and prestigious honor, Doctor Scratch. I extend my sincerest congratulations to Trevor Holyoak and Gerald Bradford, and hope that they will favor us with an acceptance speech.

I am sure that Sampson Avard would be proud were he to know that this award in his namesake has been given to these richly-deserving bretheren---Brother Holyoak in particular.

[_sock puppet]

On behalf of the Department of Egyptology at Cassius U, I extend hearty congratulations to both Trevor Holyoaks and Gerald Bradford. They have contributed mightily to the available knowledge about Mopologetics and their study, even if somewhat unwittingly.

[_MrStakhanovite]

The student body was abuzz with rumors that something exciting was going to take place this year in regards to the Samson Avard award. I think I speak for the entire student body when I say that both men have truly earned this esteemed award and we eagerly await their acceptance speeches.

[_Doctor Scratch]

Per the Hon. Rev. Kishkumen's request, these are the winners from past years:

2010: Papa, for delivering "the final coup de grace to Dr. Peterson's online Mopologetic career." [Note: interestingly enough, Papa "piledrived"--Dean Robbers's term--Dr. Peterson on the topic of the Gadianton Robbers--this is what won him the Scepter. As astute readers may have noticed, DCP is once again contemplating an article on that very topic, though perhaps he'll be dissuaded after being reminded about the drubbing he took from Papa.]

2011: Lamanite, for revealing that he "...was told by a member of the Maxwell institute that they occasionally post new information here (this board [i.e., the Mormon Discussions board]) to test its ability to withstand criticism."

[_Kishkumen]

Per the Hon. Rev. Kishkumen's request, these are the winners from past years:

2010: Papa, for delivering "the final coup de grace to Dr. Peterson's online Mopologetic career." [Note: interestingly enough, Papa "piledrived"--Dean Robbers's term--Dr. Peterson on the topic of the Gadianton Robbers--this is what won him the Scepter. As astute readers may have noticed, DCP is once again contemplating an article on that very topic, though perhaps he'll be dissuaded after being reminded about the drubbing he took from Papa.]

2011: Lamanite, for revealing that he "...was told by a member of the Maxwell institute that they occasionally post new information here (this board [i.e., the Mormon Discussions board]) to test its ability to withstand criticism."

Why thank you, Doctor. This information will come in handy when we have the plaque made.

[_kairos]

Having of late been an aide in the nursery at Cassius University, a number of the still diapered toddlers here have, through sign language, indicated they would be delighted to host a reception for the two winners and will pull out all stops to make it a success. A huge selection of Krispy Kreme donuts imprinted with CTR made from multi-colored sugar sprinkles will be available to the honorees,guests, staff and faculty of Cassius University. Guests with extraordinary disabilities such as low IQ will have to make special arrangements if they plan on attending the reception. A TR is not required! And guests arriving in academic robes or other costumes are reminded that Cassius University does not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, nationality or net worth!

For further information contact the nursery coordinator Wade England (ok I know he never graduated)!

[_Wilma Fingerdoo]

For us in the Janitorial Department at Cassius we would like to extend the golden plunger to M. Gerald Bradford in acknowledgement for for unblocking a piece of crap that has stayed in the pipes causing a major stink for the past 10 to 20 years.

Unfortunately for Bro. Holyoak due to budget constraints we can only buy one can of gold spray paint so I can only offer my finger as consolation. I hope that will doo.

[_Dr. Shades]

I and the other members of the Department of Linguistics here at Cassius University wish to congratulate our two winners of the Sampson Avard Golden Scepter award! The consensus in the faculty lounge today was that this year's winners were exceptionally deserving.