A message to MormonDiscussions.com from Darrick Evenson

[_Dr. Shades]

[MODERATOR NOTE: This is a message from Darrick Evenson, a.k.a. Daheshist, delivered via sethpayne.]

To the Readers of Mormon Discussions:

I thank you for your kind words to me. I've struggled with mental illness all my life, and unfortunately the illness has prevailed. I look for the day that Mormons will be taught in their youth not to mock the mentally ill, but to recognize that mental illness is not a personal choice. Over the years I approached Mormon bishops for help, only to be mocked, disrespeted, and made fun of by these men. That is one of the drawbacks in having an untrained and unprofessional clergy. Hopefully, one day, the Church will begin to train bishops in many areas; such as how to recognize mental illness and how to better deal with it. Being mentally ill in the LDS Church is a very lonely affair, because Mormons, with few exceptions, shun the mentally ill. Indeed, I've discovered that organized religion is usually impossible for the mentally ill. I know it has been for me. Please note when I was really "crazy" and making threats, I had no intention of harming anyone myself. I believed at times that if I sent a "curse" a person, horrible things would happen to that person. God would punish them. I truly believed that at times. I truly believed that if I asked God to kill Osama Bin Laden, He would do so. I prayed, and it happened, and I thought I was responsible for it. I have a friend who is mentally ill, same as me. He tells me, "You know, sometimes I belive I'm in the NBA, isn't that crazy?" Then, the next time I see him he says, "Hey, they've signed me up for the NBA. Isn't that great?" I'm the same way. I'm not always delusional, only sometimes. And I believe my delusions 100 per cent during those "times". I want to ask your forgiveness for those times of delusion.

I grew up in a disfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and gambler. My mother had the same problems as I do. We moved at least forty times. My father had no problem finding work, because he worked before the advent of "applications" and the u.s. economy grew all the time during his working life. He had no problem finding jobs. This led me to believe that if one desired to work one could work, and one could support oneself honestly by doing so. I discovered, over my "working" life this was no longer the case. One is given very few opportunities to "screw up". After that, one cannot find a job, any job, doing anything. My highest paying job ever was working for a private paratransit company. I got a "commission" on all trips I did. I worked from 8am in the morning to 8 or 9pm, sometimes 10pm, at night, six days a week. Grueling work. Always 30 minutes behind. I paid no attention to STOP signs, and I had to blow many red lights, and still I was always behind. I was not an employee, but an "independent contractor". I made 800 to 900 dollars a month at that job; the highest paying job I ever had. No soc.sec. withholdings. No benefits. No vacation. No retirement. No possibility of advancement. That was the "best" job I've ever had. I've had far, far worse jobs.

I tried to get employment as a long-haul truck driver. I was told after submitting my application "You're been to prison". Actually, I've never been to prison or jail. I've never been arrested, but if you have an "unstable work history" employers (100 per cent) ASSUME you're a felon and/or a drug addict. Every time. No exceptions. The best of times is when they tell you why they're not going to hire you. I've never tried an illegal drug in my life; never took a "puff" on a joint. Yet, employers JUDGE me to be a drug addict, or an ex-con; even though I've never been arrested. And I've discovered this is absolutingly NOTHING I can do or say to persuade them otherwise. The worst times is when employers say, "We'll let you know" or "We'll give you a call" and they never do. That has happened to me at least 400 to 500 times. When Jesus said "Do not judge" He was not saying "Do not condemn the sins of others". He wasn't saying that. He was saying: "Do not ASSUME!" But, that's all people do. Mormons are no exception to that rule. Thus, it has become utterly impossible for me to find a job of any kind. The welfare agencies tell me "You're not trying hard enough". Again, they ASSUME that all one must do to get a job is "ask" enough times. I've asked enough times for 100 lives. It doesn't work.

I remember on my mission our mission president telling us we were "lazy" if we didn't baptize 1 wealthy white person a week! The real reason we weren't baptizing any of them is because they were content with their lives, and they were educated and did not believe in angels giving young boys tablets of gold. Our Mission President, raised on a farm in Idaho, at a time when hard work equaled success, refused to believe that rich white people were absolutely NOT interested in what we had to say or offer. He convinced himself that we were "just lazy" and that if we "only worked harder" the rich white people would be getting wet. Of course, he believed a "LIE". We knew the truth, because we were "on the ground" every day, knocking on the doors of the rich white people. Knocking on the doors of those rich educated white people in Los Gatos and Palo Alto California, telling them they had to give 10 per cent of their income to the Mormon Church, and believe that angels gave gold plates to Joseph Smith, and believe that there was no death anywhere before Adam and Eve ate figs, because a talking snake told them to, is like me today filling out applications for jobs, believing I can actually get one. Utterly....impossible.

Like the Generals in Vietnam, who believed they were winning the war, but the privates in the trenches knew better! The educated elites who control the Welfare agencies, believe the homeless can get jobs merely by "asking" employers for them. Employers, who want to find the best workers in the world, even for the lowest paying nowhere jobs, are NOT going to hire anyone who is homeless or anyone who has an "unstable" work history. Period. No exceptions. The welfare agents are like my Mission Presidents, or the Generals in Vietnam; absolutely, totally, BLIND and CLUELESS as to reality on the ground; refusing to see or believe the TRUTH when it is repeatedly told to them by multiple witnesses.

I want to apologize to Mormon women for calling you all sorts of horrible things. I was delusional. What I wrote about "My Roommate" was absolute total truth. Yes, he beded down many young single Mormon women and girls. But not all of them. Mormons are just people. Some people are born immoral and pretty much stay that way all their lives. Other people are born moral and pretty much stay that way all their lives. Some Mormon women are immoral, others are moral; just like the general population. My Roommate was extremely successful with the immoral Mormon women and girls; as any Womanizer would be successful with those types of women anywhere. When I tried to "warn" Mormon bishops of Young Adult and Singles Wards in the Seattle area, about My Roommate, again, these bishops mocked me by bulging their eyes at me (I had bulging eyes at the time....Grave's disease), shaking their heads to either side, and calling me a liar. Again, the pitfall of a non-professional clergy. Mormons are just people; no better or worse than the general population. Nothing "magical" happens when a child is born a Mormon, or is baptized at age 8. If they have "immoral" DNA, they stay that way. If they have "moral" DNA, they stay that way. Being born into the Church, being baptized at 8 or whatever age, even being "converted" to the Church, has no bearing whatsoever. The genes decide, every time.

I regret very much for creating a few "anti-Mormon" websites! I do not wish to destroy faith of anyone. I was very bitter at the Church and Church leaders for things they did. I will not list them here. They believe they are "protecting the faith of the innocent" by lying, covering-up, and rewriting Church history. Perhaps we "are" judged according to the "intent" of our hearts. Who knows? I've discovered that most people are not logical when it comes to faith. Mormons who lose faith in Mormonism, lose faith in God usually. I took down all my "anti-Mormon" websites. I don't wish to be a destroyer of faith. I don't feel good about that. In fact, I believe that the Mormon Church is a FANTASTIC organization! I've looked around for its equal, and have not found it. I believe it is the BEST "Church" ever devised by man, and I mean that. When it comes down to it, the purpose of life is to find joy and fulfillment; to raise a family. It is about finding people to love, who love you back. The Church is a FANTASTIC place for that; to practice Pure Religion. Yes, the Church has many absurdities, but even the Church is beginning to change and "drop" many of its more ridiculous beliefs. I say to everyone: Stay in the Church! It's not about Joseph Smith or the Nephites. It's about relationships with others, and shared experiences. The only thing that is "eternal" are these relationships founded in love. Find a wife. Have children. Raise them in a good wholesome envirnment. THAT is Pure Religion. The Church is a great place to practice that religion. Stay in the Church! You're be much happier in the long run.

Unfortunately, the Church was never a welcoming place for me; because of my mental illness. I fell in love with 3 or 4 Mormon women, who didn't love me back. Very bone-crushing experiences. So, I never had the opportunity for romantic love or children or a job wherein I could support myself; much less a family. My illness meant I quit jobs and school a lot. You're only allowed a certain number of "screw ups" in this life. After Number "X" that's it. It's all over. I reached Number "X" a long time ago. In America, in the current decade, you can screw up "X" amount of times, then there is no forgiveness after that. Yes, everyone is given a "second chance" at life, but not a third chance. My third chance passed long ago.

I do have some good memories being a Mormon. Unfotunately, most were bad memories. Not just because of my illness, but because of how people treated me. Usually mockingly. Usually disrespectfully. Usually with the opposite of love and understanding and patience. Always always with false assumptions regarding my heart and motives. Always! But, my intents were almost always good. I wasted my life doing research to try to help the Church, only to have the Church stab me in the back, and falsely assume I was trying to "make money" off of the Church. Nothing could be further from the truth. I can't tell you how many times Church members have absolutely DEVASTATED me with their lies, false rumors, and false assumptions; making me so ill physical that i could not eat or sleep for weeks at a time. Some will say: "You should have forgotten the Church and gone on with your life!" What life? There was no "life" to go on with! If you are mentally ill, and the Church (i.e. the Members) are "killing you" then you need to leave. But, if you are healthy in mind, STAY. The Church is for you. It will bring you great joy. Stay with it. If the Brethren say things you agree with, agree with it. When they start talking nonsense, let it pass into one ear and out the other. That's what I should have done 30 years ago.

Some will say: "Darrick, you're a NUT and we've said that and that is the TRUTH!" Very well, that's like saying to a black person "You're a N***** and we've called you that, and that's the TRUTH". Well, again, an old woman is weak, and you can kick her ass good if you wanted to. Doesn't mean you SHOULD kick her ass just because you can!

I apologize to Daniel C. Peterson. I never meant to harm you or your family. I put a "curse" upon you, and, at the time, I truly believed that God would harm you. I truly believed He woulds cause some disease or horrible accident to befall you. I REALLY believed that at the time. I was angry because you told Darron Smith that I had threatened you and your family, long before I ever spoke to you or communicated to you. You lied, because you did not want Darron Smith to deliver a speech I wrote for him asking the Church to issue a Public Apology about the Curse of Cain legacy. Ok, your "intent" was good. You believed that the Brethren would NOT issue a public apology based upon outside pressure. You were right! The Brethren will do anything to "save face". You know that. I know that (now). God knows that. You are correct, in that you understood the Brethren better than I did at the time. The Darron Smith speech would have assured NO APOLOGY, because the Brethren are much more concerned with their own "image" than anything else. Darron Smith has told some that I name-dropped him. Yet, I still have all our email correspondance. Again, Darron Smith is trying also to "save face". I have no more "face" to save. I apologize to you. Had I been living the Gospel, I would have turned the other cheek. I did not. I overreacted. You are correct, I'm a NUT, but....you shouldn't beat up a nut simple because you can. When I was a young 18 year old Mormon, I was told constantly "Follow the Brethren"; that they would lead us into the Celestial Kingdom. Thirty three years later, I known that the Brethren aren't going to any celestial kingdom. Yet, they teach Mormons to be honest and moral. I'm reminded of Jesus' words: "Do what they say, NOT what they do". I think that is good advice. Do what the Brethren tell YOU to do, but do NOT what they themselves do!" Great advice. Jesus recommended that the common people "follow" the words of the Pharisees, but NOT to "do the works" of the Pharisees. The Brethren are the modern Pharisees. They preach honestly, but practice dishonesty. They preach repentence of sin, and confession of sins, yet they cover-up the sins among themselves and their loved ones; demanding silence and not confession. Like the Pharisees of old, they are Hypocrites. Yet, they preach TRUTH! Follow their WORDS, but not their ACTS. Jesus never said of the Pharisees: "Oh, these men are Hypocrites, so leave their fold!" He said: "DO what they say, but not what they do". He said: "Follow them--obey their counsel but not follow their example!" So....DO what the Brethren say but not what they do! After all...its great advice!

I apologize to you, Daniel Peterson. Your heart is good. Your intent was good. We were after the same goal, an apology. You KNEW better than I, that the Brethren care about their PUBLIC IMAGE more than anything. You are correct, I'm a nut, but, I can't help it. It's not a personal choice of mine. I was wrong. You are not under any curse of God. I am.

I apologize to all Mormon women. I should not have painted you with such a broad brush. I was told by ignorant and foolish men (i.e. Mormon bishops) that you were sinless creatures, incapable of dating, much less marrying, any "Unworthy" man. I was told you are always moral, always honest. I was told this, repeatedly, by older Mormon men. These men did not grow up in the Church. All of them married a Mormon woman while they themselves were not Members. Their wives lied to them, and they believed the lies and repeated those lies to me. When I discovered that I had been lied to, I went bonkers. When I told Mormon bishops the truth about My Roommate, I was called a liar, and mocked. Every time I've tried to help the Church, I was punished. No good deed ever went unpunished. Yet, my advice to the normal-minded: Stay in the Church! Follow the "counsel" of the Brethren, but NOT their example. Do these things, and you'll find true happiness.

My life has been filled with one disappointment after another, one rejection after another. A soul can only take so much. A time comes when life becomes too painful; either physically or mentally or both. If Atheism is true, I have nothing to fear in death. I will go out of existence, and won't regret anything because I won't exist. If Mormonism is true, then I'll go to Spirit-Prison and then go to the Telestial kingdom. Hopefully, I won't become a Son of Perdition. That would suck major time. I've had too much "wailing and gnashing of teeth" in this life to last 100 lifetimes. I don't really need an eternity of it. Hopefully, Spiritism is true, which teaches that those who die mentally ill go to "hospitals" in the Spirit-World, where they receive mental treatments to improve their condition, and, once they are cured, they are released. I hope that is the truth. I've had too much "Hell" in this life just to be sent to "Hell" in the next. I'm too tired. I cannot find a job. I cannot find help. I've been punished ENOUGH in this life. I don't need an eternity of more punishment. I don't see what "good" that would do. I've had my Second Chance, and there is no Third Chance. I sincerely hope all whom I have offended will forgive me, and ask God, in prayer, to forgive me.

I want to thank Mormon Discussions, and its Founder, for giving me some intellectual enjoyment during my life. I appreciate it. There is "therapy" in talking about things, and Mormon Discussions gave me that opportunity for many years. I thank them for that. Again, for those who are bitter, don't let it consume your life. The purpose of your life is to find love in a wife (or husband) and family, and friends, and enjoy your life. Don't become a hermit like me, and cry all your life; because its not worth it. Please keep me in your prayers. It might do me some good. Thank you. Darrick Evenson

[MODERATOR NOTE #2: If anyone wishes to contact or help Darrick, get in touch with sethpayne.]

[_Dr. Shades]

[EDITED TO ADD: Seth lives in the Seattle area and has been able to meet Darrick in Portland and pass on assistance provided by members of this board. During conversations between Seth and Darrick, Darrick expressed several times his regret for some of the things posted on MDB in the past. This email is an articulation of that sentiment.]