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asbestosman, I'm really sorry to hear this. Your account is very moving and I add my voice in wishing you the best.

Thanks guys. I'm doing fine now for the most part. Like I said, I'm actually pretty lucky. I know most divorces are much harder. I just thought maybe Beanboots would appreciate that I've been there recently.

I don't think I want to find someone soon. I know plenty of guys who stay single that have good jobs (doctor, lawyer, etc), a decent sense of humor, and do fun things (rock climbing, bungee jumping, wake boarding, skeet shooting, skiing (and doing flips).



Or in Mormon terms:
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see
(Hymn 220)

asbestosman wrote:

beanboots wrote:Has anyone else experienced something similar (i.e. a girl/guy breaking up with you at the dawn of conference)?

Yes. It happened to me just before October conference last year, but it wasn't just breaking up. It was the decision to divorce. It sucked. It really sucks. We were miserable last year, but I miss her. I miss all the good times. I miss that she loved me. I miss her friendship and companionship. There are some things I don't miss too--things that really hurt me.

Certainly there are many things I could have done better. I even made many improvements, but it wasn't enough. Even now I wonder if it's possible to mend things, but I know that she felt trapped and miserable with me. She didn't like me asking her to reconsider last year so I stopped asking.

I'm lucky in many ways. No alimony or kids, and no debt but it still hurts. She's actually a nice person--that only makes it hurt more. If I'm bad enough that a nice girl like her wished to divorce me, then I must be pretty bad at being a husband indeed. I wasn't abusive. I don't think that we ever fought and I yelled at her maybe once or twice ever, but we did have disagreements. We still managed to hurt each other. In the end she said she didn't feel loved. I tried to be better at showing it, but it wasn't enough. If I didn't love her, why did it hurt so much when I realized she no longer loved me? I stayed up that entire night crying, and the next month doing all the household chores.

Some days are better than others. My family has helped for the most part although I'm not sure I agree with their assessment of her. Certainly she could have done some things better, but I do point out some good things she has done that they were not aware of and assumed she wouldn't do.

I'm not sure that I wish we had never married. I still treasure many memories together. I just wish we didn't hurt each other so much. I wish we could still at least
Just be Friends

My heart beat so fast with the spring air blowing sweet and wild
I still remember the moment we met and how you smiled
Slowly quarrels began to grow
and we've hurt each other ever since we said "hello"
The flowers of our hearts were concealing deadly thorns.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I sincerely appreciate it. It really did get me through the day. And that's how I have to deal with things right now... one day at a time.

Did you get upset? Stop going to church? Resign from your calling? It's going to be horrible going to church without her from now on. All I did was stand in her glow. It's going to be bad - or I should say - it's going to feel really bad. And where I live, there are no single Mormon women worth dating. And jeez, if I brought an investigator to church, ugh.

beanboots wrote:Did you get upset?

No. Just sad that I wasn't good enough.

Stop going to church? Resign from your calling? It's going to be horrible going to church without her from now on. All I did was stand in her glow. It's going to be bad - or I should say - it's going to feel really bad. And where I live, there are no single Mormon women worth dating. And jeez, if I brought an investigator to church, ugh.

No. The high priests even came by to visit me and make sure I was doing okay. They mentioned someone I know in the ward who has gone through something similar where the woman wanted to divorce him--a man I respect as kind and capable. Since that visit I moved out of the ward, but meet in the same building. My former bishop is still very nice and many in that ward ask how I'm doing including the brother who had gone through something similar many years ago. I admit that I feel awkward with that ward. She was better friends with them than I was, and they know she's a nice person too. At times I feel embarrassed at how much I hurt their friend. Still, I feel welcome with them and I would not quit. I really liked the friendship of the men in my ward. I got to know people with some very unique talents and positions. I guess there's a brotherhood of the priesthood which I really liked. I even enjoyed unofficial movie nights and game nights we occasionally had mixing elders and high priests.

It's gotten better for me, but it's been a long journey and I'm sure there's still plenty more to go. I've relied on my family for much support. I have a brother in town who is a great friend for hanging out, doing activities, and talking. I have my parents who help me put some of my concerns in perspective. I also have a brother who has been through divorce himself and understands what it's like to have a girl no longer love you--in fact it was much harder for him.

I'm not sure exactly how your situation is, but you might be able to find someone you like dating in the surrounding stakes. I know that when I was a missionary in Europe, I met a young woman who joined the church while she was an exchange student in America. She was the only member in her family. Somehow I learned that she had met a boy she had interest in from a neighboring country in a large multi-stake activity for young adults / youth. I also know of people who decided to go to school at BYU so they could find a good mate (I don't necessarily recommend that route). I don't really have any suggestions for what people do to find a match nowadays, especially when the pool of choices is smaller. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask people your age how they find a potential spouse. I'm not even bothering to look at the moment.

I wouldn't necessarily discount finding a good match outside the church either. I know we're strongly encouraged to stay within the church in order to marry in the temple. However, I also know that's not always so simple. Even marrying in the temple is no guarantee that the marriage will be good or if good that both parties will remain in the church. There are plenty of people on this board who married in the temple but later lost their faith.

Asbestosman,


Sorry to hear this, friend!

Best wishes,

Ceeboo

asbestosman wrote:No. Just sad that I wasn't good enough.

To beans and Asbestos

I would not say that, necessarily, but sometimes things, sadly, do not work out. I went through the same thing with my wife, we separated for two years, in part because I was gone from home ALL the time. It was part of my job, but it was too much. I was out of contact for months at a time (but oddly enough some here think I could still post on message forums, hardly a possibility), and it was difficult. She was a single mom, and said she was simply going to do it for real. We separated, started divorce paperwork, and she moved several states away. Eventually we reconciled, but it took 2 years. It is possible, but I would not hold out hope. I took the time, thought about dating, but I spent my time working on me. Depending on where you live there are some options that might be available, but please do not post personal details here.

I spent some time in a Zen Community, started zazen, worked on myself and my own issues, but these were not the source of our problems. Oddly enough, I had a lot more free time when she decided it would not work. I do not think you can say "you" were not good enough, however, that is not fair to you.

If it did not work out, I am very sorry, and I know it hurts, and no one seems to get it. I did not want it to get better "eventually", I did not want to hear that there were other fish in the sea. The only thing I wanted to hear was that it hurt. I wanted acknowledgement that what I was going through was difficult, and nothing else. It hurts, and it hurts badly. Nothing else needs to be said.