Why are there "ex" support groups?

[_Runtu]

New blog post:

http://runtu.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/w ... rt-groups/

As long as I’ve had my blog, I’ve had commenters (always believing Mormons) ask me why I can’t just “let go” and “move on.” Why, they ask, would anyone define themselves as “ex” anything instead of who they are in positive terms? It’s “unhealthy” they say, to keep talking about the past, and even if it weren’t, being so “negative” is bad for the soul.

It’s pretty clear to me, and I’m sure to most of my readers, where this advice comes from, and it’s not generally from a concern for the wellbeing of my soul. Most people don’t like other people criticizing things they hold dear, and for good reason. It’s easy to take it personally, especially when you belong to a group that in large part determines your identity and worldview.

But why is there an ex-Mormon “movement,” if you want to call it that? Is Mormonism unique in having “apostates” continue to criticize its teachings and practices, and if not, what’s behind such movements?

I’m told that a thorough Google search yielded only a single former Jew (now Christian) blogger that provided anything comparable to what we see from ex-Mormons. If that were true, it would mean that ex-Mormons are unique. But of course, ex-Mormons are no different than any other such group (and there are a lot of them). Everything you might hear among even the most bitter ex-Mormons you will hear in other such groups. A cursory Google search yielded the following topics of discussion on non-LDS support groups for former believers:

“Psychological Torture in the Southern Baptist Cult.”
A long thread about ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses “unwitnessing” to people trapped in the “Borg.”
“I was born. I grew up. I escaped,” which discussed the author’s journey to freedom outside of Scientology.
Several threads about the fear of coming out as no longer believing in the Church of Christ.

And that was just the first result from a few Google searches. There was a lot more, and a lot of it was pretty angry.

Rather than wonder why these people are so unhealthy and obsessed with their former religions, maybe it’s better to try and understand the common denominators. I could probably spend some time researching and come up with a really good analysis, but this is a blog, and I’m home in bed with strep. So, I’ll give you two common factors, as I see them:

1. The level of commitment demanded and received.
2. The costs of leaving.

First, the religions that spawn “ex” movements require great commitment and devotion. People who aren’t committed simply fade away, like most converts to Mormonism and a considerable number of people raised as Mormons. The people you see in “ex” movements are usually those who believed in their religion and gave the commitment and effort demanded. That’s why they hurt so much. You don’t see movements for, say, ex-Unitarians or ex-Methodists because these are not very demanding religions. They don’t ask much of your time, your devotion, or your commitment to dogma or praxis. Unitarians, for example, don’t ask you to spend 2 years away from home on your own dime recruiting converts. Methodists don’t expect you to spend hours in church every week, volunteer a lot of time supporting the church, and require you to be “worthy” to attend rituals regularly.

Second, leaving these religions involves high social and familial costs. All these groups teach that those who leave are sinful “apostates” with evil intent, so leaving tends to cost you a lot in terms of friendships and family relationships. I have a good friend whose own mother counseled his wife to divorce him because he had lost his faith in the church. I know people who have been kicked out of their homes, lost their marriages, and become pariahs in their communities simply because they walked away from Mormonism.

When I went to a therapist in Texas, he was dumbfounded as to why my exit from Mormonism was so painful. He said, “I’m Methodist, and my wife is Presbyterian, so we attend her church. No big deal.” Later, when I ended up in a psychiatric hospital after the religious issues came to a head in my family, the staff psychiatrist asked me what had triggered the episode. I said I had lost my faith, and it was causing problems in all my relationships. “Which religion?” he asked, and when I told him, he said, “Oh, Mormonism. My business partner was a Mormon bishop who went through the same experience. He lost his wife, his children won’t talk to him anymore, and most of his clients deserted him, as he was one of the only Mormon psychiatrists in Houston. I’m surprised he didn’t try to kill himself.”

Having said that, I think it’s obvious that some people are bitter and resentful, and it can be unhealthy. Most people, however, get it out of their system and move on. But that doesn’t mean you should stop talking about Mormonism or whatever religion you left. It’s part of who you are, and it always will be, especially if your family is still as heavily involved in it as mine is.

Am I bitter and resentful about Mormonism? I don’t think so. But it is part of every day of my life, and it would be crazy to force myself not to talk about a major part of my current life. I post here because it’s a good way for me to get things out in ways that aren’t going to affect my personal relationships; I’d rather vent here than have confrontations at home. But truth be told, I don’t think all that much about Mormonism. I post maybe once a week, with months going by when I don’t post, though you’ll see flurries of activities when Mormonism has reared its unwelcome head in my personal life more than usual.

So, I am not going to apologize for saying what I think when I feel like saying it. What’s the point? I understand that most Mormons, were they aware of this trifling little blog, would tell me to shut up and stop going after the true church. I doubt they would appreciate it if I told them to stop talking about their religion because they should just get over it.

[_EmilyAnn]

Extremely good analysis, and very well done article, Runtu.

I wish this post could be widely disseminated (like the CES letter), because I think it would be of great help to many people who have exited, or are in the process of exiting...or maybe they've just entered into the initial, scary!!!, stage of dipping the merest tip of their little toenail in.

Many kudos for a fine job well done.

[_Tim the Enchanter]

Why are there "ex" support groups? Because they are needed.

It's not just exmormons. Far from it. If anyone suggests that only people that leave Mormonism "can't leave it alone" (thus proving, in their minds, that the church is true or whatever), point them to http://www.reddit.com/r/exittors where people who have exited all sorts of religions congregate and swap notes. A few minutes there and you realize, if you didn't already, that Mormons do not have a corner on the market for fundamental religion and that people that leave the church do not have a corner on the market for "ex" support groups.

[_Saw Skooh]

Just visit the exmormon subreddit and look at the list in the right hand-panel of other "ex" subreddits. Any religion that is similarly all-consuming and all-or-nothing produce similar communities of exitors.

[_Saw Skooh]

Also I would add one thought here: Mormonism is really, really interesting. It's a subject with endless facets—historical, anthropological, and social, past and present, and here's the thing: stepping outside of it, rejecting its claims to literal truthfulness, and seeing it for the man-made movement it is makes it all make much more sense. All of it. The conundrums and dissonance melt away, and avenues of thought that were previously taboo open up wide.

So not only do I know Mormonism really well, and not only has it defined much of my own life history and my culture, and my family's history and culture both current and ancestral (all of which I reserve the right to continue owning), but I've now taken a step that I consider essential to begin to really understand it all for what it really is. I'm now able to explore all of its endless facets freely, without the restraints of orthodoxy and fear, and this makes Mormonism that much more fascinating than ever.

[_son of Ishmael]

Also I would add one thought here: Mormonism is really, really interesting. It's a subject with endless facets—historical, anthropological, and social, past and present, and here's the thing: stepping outside of it, rejecting its claims to literal truthfulness, and seeing it for the man-made movement it is makes it all make much more sense. All of it. The conundrums and dissonance melt away, and avenues of thought that were previously taboo open up wide.

So not only do I know Mormonism really well, and not only has it defined much of my own life history and my culture, and my family's history and culture both current and ancestral (all of which I reserve the right to continue owning), but I've now taken a step that I consider essential to begin to really understand it all for what it really is. I'm now able to explore all of its endless facets freely, without the restraints of orthodoxy and fear, and this makes Mormonism that much more fascinating than ever.

I agree. While I no longer believe any of the church's claims, I still find the whole thing fascinating.

[_mentalgymnast]

I enjoyed reading your thoughts in this blog post Runtu. After having met and spent some time with you I believe that what you say is sincere and heartfelt.

Regards,
MG

[_sock puppet]

Also I would add one thought here: Mormonism is really, really interesting. It's a subject with endless facets—historical, anthropological, and social, past and present, and here's the thing: stepping outside of it, rejecting its claims to literal truthfulness, and seeing it for the man-made movement it is makes it all make much more sense. All of it. The conundrums and dissonance melt away, and avenues of thought that were previously taboo open up wide.

So not only do I know Mormonism really well, and not only has it defined much of my own life history and my culture, and my family's history and culture both current and ancestral (all of which I reserve the right to continue owning), but I've now taken a step that I consider essential to begin to really understand it all for what it really is. I'm now able to explore all of its endless facets freely, without the restraints of orthodoxy and fear, and this makes Mormonism that much more fascinating than ever.

I agree. While I no longer believe any of the church's claims, I still find the whole thing fascinating.

I find it more interesting from the outside looking in/back than it ever was while inside.

[_Runtu]

You know what bothers me? These people who keep telling me I need to just shut up about the church because it's not "healthy" for me to express opinions about part of my life. I need to move on and stop being so negative and obsessed.

Why can't they just be honest and say what they mean? They don't like people criticizing the church and wish we would shut up. Why do they have to make up this BS about caring for my soul?

[_sock puppet]

You know what bothers me? These people who keep telling me I need to just shut up about the church because it's not "healthy" for me to express opinions about part of my life. I need to move on and stop being so negative and obsessed.

Why can't they just be honest and say what they mean? They don't like people criticizing the church and wish we would shut up. Why do they have to make up this BS about caring for my soul?

That was Simon Belmont. Aside from all else, Simon said just that.