The Funny Thread

[_Doctor CamNC4Me]

What does a BYU co-ed do when a rated R movie comes on?

"Pulls up her panties and goes home."

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Jews don't recognize Jesus, Catholics don't recognize divorce…what do Mormons not recognize?

Each other in the liquor store.

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How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

Because the bride is a virgin, half the family is waiting outside, and her mom is pregnant.

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One day Mom was reading an Ensign article on the dangers of pornography addiction. After she'd finished she decided to check her deacon-aged son's laptop, while he was at school.

Sure enough, her worst fears were confirmed as the browser history showed that he'd been viewing bondage porn websites.

In a panic, she called her husband at work, crying, "What do we do? What do we do?"

The husband paused for a moment and then replied "Well I don't think we should spank him."

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From the University of Utah:

Did you hear about the man eating lion that escaped onto BYU campus?

It starved.

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For Mr. Bot:

One Sunday immediately after church meetings, a member of the ward, Brother Wilson, makes an urgent appointment with the Bishop. Once inside the Bishop's office, he starts sobbing.

The Bishop startled, says "Brother Wilson, what's wrong?"

"I just found out, my oldest son is gay and he's leaving his wife. They were married in the temple and have four children".

The Bishop tries to comfort him, but he's inconsolable.

The next Sunday, Brother Wilson again asks to urgently meet with the Bishop.

Once in his office, the Bishop asks how he is coping with his gay son.

Brother Wilson bursts into sobs and says "It's worse! my middle son has now also come out as gay! He's also married and has three children".

The Bishop tries to pray with him and console him but it's little use.

The next Sunday, again the Bishop is requested to urgently meet with him.
Before the Bishop can even fully close the door, he starts sobbing.

The Bishop in exasperation says "Oh, Brother Wilson! isn't anybody in your family attracted to women?"

Brother Wilson looks up and sobs, "My wife just told me she is!"

[_Gunnar]

My favorite Mormon joke:

Back in the pioneer days, a devout Mormon farmer needed a new horse to replace one that died. He heard that his even more devout Stake President had an extra horse that he wanted to sell. The farmer went to see the horse, and after satisfying himself that it was a strong, healthy horse, he negotiated a price with his Stake President that was agreeable to them both, and the SP went back into his house, leaving the farmer to take possession of it and attempt to ride it home.

However, the SP forgot to tell the farmer that because he was so devout, he had not taught the horse to respond to the usual commands. He had taught it to go when he said "Praise the Lord" and to stop when he said "amen." The farmer mounted up and said "giddyup!" The horse refused to budge. After repeatedly repeating that command more and more loudly and whipping the horse's flanks and butt to no effect, he finally cried out loudly in exasperation, "Oh praise the Lord!", which was the closest this devout man ever came to actually swearing.

Immediately the horse took off at a full gallop--straight towards the edge of a canyon with a sheer drop off of several hundred feet. Now, of course, he desperately wanted the horse to stop, and repeatedly shouted "Whoa!", to no avail. Finally he decided that without divine intervention, he was a doomed man, and uttered a brief and desperate prayer for God's help. As soon as he said "Amen", the horse came to an abrupt halt, just inches from the cliff edge. The farmer opened his eyes and peered around the horse's neck at the deadly fate he had so narrowly avoided, wiped his brow, and exclaimed in grateful relief, "Whew, praise the Lord!"

[_honorentheos]

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?


It doesn't matter because Mormons can't see the light anyway.

[_Tator]

Brigham Young loved to travel north of SLC in the summer and south in winter to avoid the hottest and coldest temperatures of the seasons. One winter day he was staying with one of the brethren in St. George which he had done many times. On one of the evenings during idle conversation Brigham and the St. George brother somehow got into a friendly wager. The bet was who could knock off the most in one evening.

After the evening fireside chat both men retired to adjoining bedrooms for the night. In between the two bedroom doors was a small caulk board used for notes, dates and shopping lists and such. After retiring brother St. George remembered the wager and knocked off a piece and went to the caulk board and drew a single straight line to mark his conquest.

Later in the night brother St. George had to wee and remembering the wager knocked off another piece. He opened the bedroom door and marked another straight line on the caulk board marking his second score and went back to sleep.

Brother and sister St. George woke up before everyone else thinking of all the things they needed to get ready to accommodate their guests. Brother St. George remembered the friendly wager and quickly knocked off another score. Upon leaving the bedroom the brother put a third vertical line on the caulk board next to the other two.

A little later Brigham got up and exited the bedroom he was stretching and waking up and looked around the room and then he noticed the caulk board. He stared at it a bit, rubbed his chin and eyes and again looked at the 3 small, straight, vertical lines on the caulk board. Then he stated, "Well, brother St. George, a hundred and eleven, I guess you win the bet. You beat me by three."

[_Tator]

A jew, a catholic and a Mormon bishop frequently had breakfast in a little cafe. Over the years their paths crossed frequently and so a friendship developed.

One morning during one of their chance encounters the jewish gentlemen spoke up and said, "The Lord has really blessed me, he has given me 4 children, one more and I'll have a basketball team."

Not to be out done the catholic spoke up and said, "I too have been blessed I have 10 children, one more and I'll have a football team."

Then, the Mormon bishop spoke up saying, "I have really, really been blessed, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."

[_kairos]

heard this two days a go

What is a 10 mile Mormon? one who drives 10 miles out of town to get a "drink"

[_Doctor CamNC4Me]

A Mormon, a Baptist, and a Muslim walk into a bar.

After five hours they call a taxi to get home.

[_kairos]

one more and i willl have 18, huhhh,erreeee, rrrrrr,ggreeere -beavis and butthead response


on a more intellectual level "1 more and i will have as third as many as brigham you when he had 54. response from rc- who is he? from jewish fellow 'fat guy who say when you brigham brigham young!

[_Polygamy-Porter]

A jew, a catholic and a Mormon bishop frequently had breakfast in a little cafe. Over the years their paths crossed frequently and so a friendship developed.

One morning during one of their chance encounters the jewish gentlemen spoke up and said, "The Lord has really blessed me, he has given me 4 children, one more and I'll have a basketball team."

Not to be out done the catholic spoke up and said, "I too have been blessed I have 10 children, one more and I'll have a football team."

Then, the Mormon bishop spoke up saying, "I have really, really been blessed, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."

10 minutes later and tears are still streaming down my cheeks from laughing so f'n hard!

I have sent this to many many MANY friends Mormon, exmormon, and catholic.

Thank you Spud bud THANK YOU!!!

[_I have a question]

Mormon wedding ring.

Mormon marriages have three rings.

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering