Health Research at Cassius

[_I have a question]

Reverend,
Your timely call to come to the aid of Mopologists suffering from SSA has prompted a bit of background study, which study seemed to confirm that your concern is well founded.

Yes, we used to joke about the "second endowment" many priesthood holders acquired in the mission field, college, and in the early years of marriage. At present, however, we are targeting sugar in particular rather than obesity, since it has been noted that some of the most troubled Mopologists are not overweight. So, in order to go about this systematically and scientifically, we are looking at the connection between sugar consumption and Mopologetic behaviors, not weight and Mopologetic behaviors. I really think we are on to something here. If the LDS Church were to call upon its members to eat more healthily with the kind of insistence that characterized the pressure to support Prop 8, we might see the elimination of chronic Mopologetics within the next five years.

It would be interesting to understand the relationships between mopology and the different types of sugars - refined, unrefined, fruit, replacement (saccharine) etc. obviously there'd need to be a control group given either no sugar or some form of placebo.

Is there sugar in milk strippings?

[_Gadianton]

This is some great research Kishkumen. I hope the apologists will take it very seriously and enroll in aversion therapy at once. And by the way, they should take our word for the fact that they have a problem. In fact, they should completely rebuild their lives around what we say and not let destructive doubts stand in the way. Even before you did this research, I disliked sweets, and I was about to announce that simple sugars are evil based on my own prejudicial reading of a 2000 year old document.

Hey, how about we get the guys together and discuss your findings tomorrow? Can you jump on a plane and meet up at the Flavian Amphitheater? We can go over everything there and pat each other on the back.

[_Fence Sitter]

Until our research is completed and new treatments are implemented, we recommend that our Mopologist friends cautiously investigate the faith-oriented "Daniel Plan" website's offering on the subject of sugar addiction in order to seek relief in the short term: http://danielplan.com/healthyhabits/sugaraddiction/

For the rest of you, LDS or non-LDS, we ask that you step in and intervene. Don't let your Mopologist loved ones near a computer, tablet, or smartphone when they are on a sugar "bender." We all have to work together to fight this serious problem.

There are exceptions, as with all additive substances, there are those who can place themselves in risky situations and still manage to avoid abuse. How this is possible, is an important question, one which may very well lead to treatments, and, dare I say it, cures.

Take for example the case of one J Laurence Gee, noted Mopologist and at the same time, a prime example of physical fitness. How is it possible that in an environment rife with SSM temptation he avoids displaying any of the notable effects?

I believe I know the answer and it can be found in eating habits. I purpose a comparative study of Mopologetic eating habits by counting the number of plates each mopologist has at each meal. I believe we will find that the esteemed Mr Gee avoids the more serious side effects of SSM by eating less, a fact that will be confirmed by comparing the number of plates he uses at each meal against the number of plates other mopologist require.

I propose to call this study "The missing plate theory".

Remember, what isn't there, may very well be as important or even more important, as what is.

[_DrW]

Is there sugar in milk strippings?

Yep - it's lactose - another simple sugar and one to which many exhibit metabolic intolerance.

Lactose intolerance may well play a major role in the increasing ineffectiveness of the "Milk before Meat" approach favored by Mopologists.

[_Kishkumen]

Hey, how about we get the guys together and discuss your findings tomorrow? Can you jump on a plane and meet up at the Flavian Amphitheater? We can go over everything there and pat each other on the back.

Sounds like a plan, Dean Robbers! We'll inform our minions, lickspittles, and lackeys to pack our bags for the trip. We have a film crew at the ready. As you know, our findings have more weight if we can provide video documentation of our serious discussions unfolding in ancient ruins. Real gravitas. I can just see the pensive chin stroking of the old professors, and the fresh faces of bright, wholesome Cassius coeds marveling at our erudition. Our theory is practically proven already!

[_Kishkumen]

Take for example the case of one J Laurence Gee, noted Mopologist and at the same time, a prime example of physical fitness. How is it possible that in an environment rife with SSM temptation he avoids displaying any of the notable effects?

I believe I know the answer and it can be found in eating habits. I purpose a comparative study of Mopologetic eating habits by counting the number of plates each mopologist has at each meal. I believe we will find that the esteemed Mr Gee avoids the more serious side effects of SSM by eating less, a fact that will be confirmed by comparing the number of plates he uses at each meal against the number of plates other mopologist require.

I propose to call this study "The missing plate theory".

Remember, what isn't there, may very well be as important or even more important, as what is.

Hmmm. Intriguing ideas here, Fence Sitter. It seems to me that the Missing Plate Theory actually arises from increased sensitivity to the mind altering impact of simple sugars, such that one less plate is consumed but assumed to be out there somewhere. Many are led astray by the passion with which the claim of its existence is intoned. Passion fueled by hypersensitivity to small amounts of sugar. You remember Tom Cruise jumping around on the set of Oprah? You get the picture.