Candygal's Story

[_candygal]

Here lies the long story of my disaffection from the church. It may not be so huge or even interesting but it was a devastating and monumental time for this lady here. Bear with me..it is a hard thing as you all know..to put into words a time of great sorrow and often despair. That being said, one finds out how strong they are...when there is no choice.

In 1997, my husband passed out on a racquet ball court and it was a few weeks later that we found out that he had thyroid cancer. There are different kinds of thyroid cancer. His inability to breath put us in surgery same day..where he was given just two weeks to live. His fight and determination gave us a little over 3 months During that time, I lost my mother in her sleep. One day she was walking hospital halls with me..and then next I couldn't' find her anywhere. Needless to say, I did not deal with her death. The day of her funeral, my son took my husband to radiation treatment..and life went on with me wondering after the suicide of my sister the year before..what I was to learn from all of this!!

My husband and I had both been brought up in the church but when we were married, both of us were just inactive but held on to fundamentals of our beliefs. We made sure that the kids enjoyed primary and we had a loving little family with general highs and lows of marriage as we all do.

My daughter was 17 and my son 15 when my husband was diagnosed. He lived with a trach in his throat and I quit work and stayed home very willingly to nurse and to keep the hope that I thrived on ...how could I not..?? This was a man who watched cancer movies with me for years..and said..if I ever get like that..just let me go. But he fought and fought hard. After Thanksgiving that year, just a couple of months after treatments, the doctors said..to just enjoy our time together. On Christmas Eve..he decided that we should get this funeral planned. His humor..bless him..wanted "Hotel California" to be one of the songs..I smiled and said..NO WAY!! We knew it would be held at the ward house so .. you know..that wasn't going to do!! Anyway, during the planning of the funeral we of course talked about other things..and I asked him...may I..would you...like me to get life together and have us sealed and sealed to the family?? With a trach in his throat..he whispered..Candygal..I think you better do that.

There was a time after that..where he was really scared. His early teachings (and mine) made him worry about where he would go...would he be okay..would he see family there or would he be in a spirit prison because he was not active or repentant in the church? He worried that he had not used the atonement in his life. But he did say..I have been a good man..a good father..and I don't think I have done anything really wrong ..! When his younger brother came to house to give him a blessing, I caught him in the hallway..and told him how his brother was so worried. So in this blessing, he gave my husband the assurance of the spirit world..that was a big blessing..because it gave him some much needed peace and rest in all the pain and all the concern for his family.

We lost him in January..he made it long enough to be here for our daughter's birthday and missed our 20th anniversary by a month..to the day.

My daughter after graduation from high school...went to Florida and worked with Disneyworld and all of that..my son, graduated early..moved out and went to school part time in SLC. I was alone..and lost..and tried to figure out what to do..where to begin. The Relief Society sister were my first link back to church. I was so determined to keep a promise. I loved going back to church..reveled in it and was so welcomed. I went to the Bishop at the time to go through a repentance process..I wanted to have my shoulders lighter..a goal was in sight and I aimed to have that man I loved and missed..sealed to me forever.

I received a calling in the Relief Society..I ate,slept and reveled in the scriptures. I read the Book of Mormon 5 times..and I remember asking my mother in law for all the old Relief Society books..or anything that she had to read. There was a hunger and a thirst for knowledge and I prayed..and walked and talked with my husband and my Heavenly Father. When that huge testimony came at me, I bought a nice Book of Mormon and wrote my testimony inside to have a missionary give to my daughter in Florida. It made it too! She received it....and would often ask me..how are you with the church..are you okay? I, of course, didn't understand her questioning and my son marveled at the change in me..and I would tell him..IT IS TRUE!!!!! During this time, I read all the "Work and the Glory" books and took an adult institute class. My love for Joseph Smith grew by leaps and bounds and I could not wrap my heart and mind around anything more than my love for him. His restoration and goodness gave me a chance to be with that man again..that one that I missed so much!!

When it was my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary...they had decided (without talking to me at all) that they would have my husband sealed to them in the Manti Temple. That is okay with me..I just wish that they had talked to me first. I wanted all that done together..while his brother was here to be proxy for me to be sealed..but they could not wait. So, the kids and I stood outside the Temple and babysitted nieces/nephews/cousins..while the sealing took place. I found myself gazing at the Temple windows renewing the promise..and i cried a thousand tears.

My daughter later on..decided to come back to Utah..she said she wanted to talk to me. After she moved in to Cache Valley, she asked me some questions..those questions seared a fire in me..I adamantly opposed everything she said..and she loved me anyway. This is where the story begins to unravel. As stated on another thread, I fought..no way was anything going to take away my testimony of Joseph Smith...the restoration..and the wonderful promise that I would hold my husband in my arms again I had worked so hard to attain this testimony!!

All it took was josephsmithswives.com. One thing led to another..and my very heart and soul fell in utter despair. I studied some more..talked to LDS friends..read the Book of Mormon again and hung on...until I could not. Finally, in a last act of desparation, I asked our new bishop, counselors and the Relief Society to come to my home to answer some questions. One counselor didn't make it...the 2nd counselor went to sleep in my recliner..and the Relief Society president said "she wasn't into deep doctrine".

I handed my resignation papers that same day. Seeing the bishop mimick the rock and hat thing made me laugh..and then made me cry.

I hope with all my heart..that God..my God..not Mormon one..will let me hold this man in my arms again. It is the part that I keep with me..the only part. Brother Joseph did a real number on me and I don't know that I can forgive the hurt and the broken promise that I made.

Someday...I will give you guys the poem/tribute that I wrote for hubby..Consig and others have already seen it.

Hugs and blessings to those who deal with a broken heart.

Candygal

[_Chap]

Dear Candygal,

The great majority of non-LDS Christians have always believed that there will be a next life, and that we can hope to see our loved ones there.

Joseph Smith created his own special version of Christianity for his own personal reasons - including the wish 'not to labor' and to be a special person whom God wanted to have whatever he desired by way of, well ... personal relationships. He effectively parasitized Christianity, and managed to persuade his followers that no other version but his was the real kind. The LDS church keeps that up today.

There is however absolutely no reason for you to give up hope of seeing your husband again just because you have realized that Joseph Smith was not what he pretended to be. As I said, that hope is shared by nearly all other Christians.

[_candygal]

Chap, thank you so much for your reply and assurance. At the time of my leaving the church, I felt like my husband's hands were slipping away..that is what made it so hard. Since then, I have built my own truth..and I will look for him.

[_Maksutov]

Candygal, thank you. So glad you have the love of your children and family and the wonderful marriage to sustain you. You will be okay.

[_DrW]

Dear Candygal,

The great majority of non-LDS Christians have always believed that there will be a next life, and that we can hope to see our loved ones there.

Joseph Smith created his own special version of Christianity for his own personal reasons - including the wish 'not to labor' and to be a special person whom God wanted to have whatever he desired by way of, well ... personal relationships. He effectively parasitized Christianity, and managed to persuade his followers that no other version but his was the real kind. The LDS church keeps that up today.

There is however absolutely no reason for you to give up hope of seeing your husband again just because you have realized that Joseph Smith was not what he pretended to be. As I said, that hope is shared by nearly all other Christians.

Chap,

Your response to Candygall was both kind and wise, and you have my sincere respect for providing it.

[_RockSlider]

...
There was a time after that..where he was really scared. His early teachings (and mine) made him worry about where he would go...would he be okay..would he see family there or would he be in a spirit prison because he was not active or repentant in the church? He worried that he had not used the atonement in his life. But he did say..I have been a good man..a good father..and I don't think I have done anything really wrong ..!

In a thread of anger this morning, this very quote is what bothers me most about the "mutual respect"

Because of, perhaps because of selfish intellectual honesty, I'm among the temple parking lot sitters (3 children 5 times) and yet for every one of these times there was a member of our ward, a friend whom we knew was not worthy in serious ways attended them all.

With this last bout with the wife, in-front of our silent children in text, I proclaimed myself as the patriarch of the family and asked if they should consider my council in that position over the church? The same things quoted above were brought up, what exactly have I done to prove unworthy of your honor? Coffee, an occasional beer?

So we sit in guilt, unworthy of our spouses, our children, our ward families and the fear based control continues to cause such unspeakable pain as candygal has expressed here for herself and her husband.

The hate goes deep as these things time and again are driven into my heart.

god bless candygal

[_Maksutov]

...
There was a time after that..where he was really scared. His early teachings (and mine) made him worry about where he would go...would he be okay..would he see family there or would he be in a spirit prison because he was not active or repentant in the church? He worried that he had not used the atonement in his life. But he did say..I have been a good man..a good father..and I don't think I have done anything really wrong ..!

In a thread of anger this morning, this very quote is what bothers me most about the "mutual respect"

Because of, perhaps because of selfish intellectual honesty, I'm among the temple parking lot sitters (3 children 5 times) and yet for every one of these times there was a member of our ward, a friend whom we knew was not worthy in serious ways attended them all.

With this last bout with the wife, in-front of our silent children in text, I proclaimed myself as the patriarch of the family and asked if they should consider my council in that position over the church? The same things quoted above were brought up, what exactly have I done to prove unworthy of your honor? Coffee, an occasional beer?

So we sit in guilt, unworthy of our spouses, our children, our ward families and the fear based control continues to cause such unspeakable pain as candygal has expressed here for herself and her husband.

The hate goes deep as these things time and again are driven into my heart.

god bless candygal

I'm sorry, Rockslider. When I left it was like I was an animal caught in a trap that had to chew its leg off to survive. Some wounds don't heal. The phantom limb still aches.

[_Doctor CamNC4Me]

I hope with all my heart..that God..my God..not Mormon one..will let me hold this man in my arms again. It is the part that I keep with me..the only part. Brother Joseph did a real number on me and I don't know that I can forgive the hurt and the broken promise that I made.

You got me right in the feels! I wish you the best on your journey through this life, Candygal.

- Doc

[_candygal]

...
There was a time after that..where he was really scared. His early teachings (and mine) made him worry about where he would go...would he be okay..would he see family there or would he be in a spirit prison because he was not active or repentant in the church? He worried that he had not used the atonement in his life. But he did say..I have been a good man..a good father..and I don't think I have done anything really wrong ..!

In a thread of anger this morning, this very quote is what bothers me most about the "mutual respect"

Because of, perhaps because of selfish intellectual honesty, I'm among the temple parking lot sitters (3 children 5 times) and yet for every one of these times there was a member of our ward, a friend whom we knew was not worthy in serious ways attended them all.

With this last bout with the wife, in-front of our silent children in text, I proclaimed myself as the patriarch of the family and asked if they should consider my council in that position over the church? The same things quoted above were brought up, what exactly have I done to prove unworthy of your honor? Coffee, an occasional beer?

So we sit in guilt, unworthy of our spouses, our children, our ward families and the fear based control continues to cause such unspeakable pain as candygal has expressed here for herself and her husband.

The hate goes deep as these things time and again are driven into my heart.

god bless candygal

God bless you. I so admire you..it is hard and your character as a man is very evident on every level. I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes the anger instills a strength.

[_candygal]

I hope with all my heart..that God..my God..not Mormon one..will let me hold this man in my arms again. It is the part that I keep with me..the only part. Brother Joseph did a real number on me and I don't know that I can forgive the hurt and the broken promise that I made.

You got me right in the feels! I wish you the best on your journey through this life, Candygal.

- Doc

Thank you. And yes, life is getting better. I found that I was a capable woman who could rely on her own instincts and the love of family.