This is a summary of what I learned -- why the church is losing its women. Or, why mothers in Zion are leaving. Reassembled from my shorthand notes.
- Feminism 2.0. Call version 1.0 the 1970s-1990s. Feminism 1.0 backfired spectacularly for outspoken women in the church. Remember when Packer declared feminism one of three great evils? Girls and women in the church were taught to be quiet sustainers, to diminish their identities outside Mormonism. No careers, stay busy in church community (free labor), stay busy raising kids and homemaking (more free labor). Women had no choice, no alternative. Men had power and status outside the church - professional identities. Women were trained to see themselves as being nothing without the church, without church service and church community. But today, women have professional opportunities. They have online community, places where stories just like theirs are shared, analyzed and retold on social media. The information age is allowing women to share, learn and meet and be seen. It is "totally exploding." The idea that boys are trained to have power and authority while girls are trained to diminish themselves is old fashioned, and more mothers are refusing to pass that on.
- Shame. Mothers in the church also beginning to realize they don't have to pass on the pain they felt as girls, when boys were taught they would have power and status, while girls were trained over and over to see themselves as bad: their legs are bad, their boobs are bad, their shoulders are bad. They have worth only if they keep those bad parts hidden and untouched. A man could go inactive, do whatever the hell he wants, then come back, repent and become bishop with a "refined testimony." A woman who did those things would be lucky if any man would have her, no matter how much repentance. Lifelong fear mongering about finding a good husband. The shame and fear-based teaching of youth has to end - it does actual harm. More and more mothers are learning about shame (i.e., Brene Brown) and just saying "I will not teach my kids that way."
- Pushed too far. Ward funding was cut and cut again from the 1980s to today, but leaders expect good events, good food, at-home reminders, event drivers, modesty police, and motivational supports to get the youth to attend events. But, the "offering" is less and less valuable for development and expansion, relative to what's available elsewhere. Lame activities. Expansionary outings replaced with hangouts and firesides at Brother Leadership's house. Mothers feel pushed harder than ever, with fewer resources than ever. It is breaking down. Instead of the church providing quality experiences FOR kids, it feels like the church is more transparent than ever that it just expects mothers to incubate and prepare kids who will be used BY the church. FSY, new youth programs, all the reinvented ways for the church to give less and ask for more, endlessly tiring.
- Safety. The systematic hiding of abuse, the NDAs and settlements, all hidden and unreported to the public or even within wards, so angering. No background checks. They've known about these problems for years and kept it hidden. Destroyed trust, so angering.
- Mental health. The internet is also beginning to reveal the full scope of mental health problems caused by missions. It used to be one person would come home, mental break, they're an exception and maybe (probably) they weren't following the rules. Now we can see that these young missionaries are pushed to the point of breaking before being allowed to go home. Letting missionaries call home weekly a result of it. But it is a risk to send kids on mission and there is NO guarantee that the church or mission president will put your kid's mental health ahead of their/his goals. Another thing where women have been forced to step towards saying, "no, I will not support that for my children."
- Preemptive LGBTQ protection. More and more women are asking themselves, when their kids are young or even before they have children, "if my child isn't straight, will I put my child first or the church first?" Answer is obvious: no mom wants to set a member of her family up to be potentially rejected. Making that choice preemptively. Another thing fewer mothers will stand for. ANOTHER THING.
- Gender debate resonates. Women see themselves in the church's gender war. LGBTQ are more relatable than men because they are both marginalized groups who are treated badly. People with less important ideas than straight men. More women have developed deep empathy for the way the church says one thing, but does something completely different in practice, in belittling ways (pretending to elevate while doing anything but).
- Patronizing patriarchy. Finally, mothers in Zion are beginning to see the lifelong harm in having their boys trained up to be patronizing toward women, not to see them as whole people with unique dreams -- autonomy, career -- beyond mothering. The church, when it comes down to it, still wants women to suppress their identities and become certain types of mothers to be valid people. Men have inherent status, even if they do very little in the church. Women are always hustling for their value. More mothers realize, looking at their boys, how this intrinsic identity outcome harms a boy's ability to develop empathy for women, to see them as equals and to engage in healthy, equal, communicative relationships. And as a result, mothers are finding a foundation for saying "no" to the priesthood construct behind it.
