"Don’t Call Trans People ‘Brave’,” Really?

[Kishkumen]

Hi Mark,

FYI, we would not take your article down for posting it in the wrong place. At most, we would move this thread from the “Mormon Discussions” side of the board to the corresponding Kingdom on the Non-Mormon Discussions side of the board — Spirit Paradise.

The article your post is based on discusses being an “ally,” which is a term of art among social justice folks. Not being an “ally” doesn’t make a person an enemy. One can still be supportive of trans people without being an “ally.”

There is a ton of literature out there about being an ally. The most important as piece of being an ally is listening to what they say and taking what they say seriously. The reason this is important is privilege. Neither you nor I have the experience of going through life as a transportation. I go through life seeing through the lens as a cis person. I don’t have to think about how it feels or what it means to identify with a gender that doesn’t match my sex. I never have think about choosing the “wrong” bathroom, etc.

So, when you dissect the article’s objection to being told by a stranger or acquaintance that “you’re so brave,” you’re doing it from a point of privilege. If I were being an ally, I wouldn’t suggest that the trans person shouldn’t feel that way. That’s either not listening or not taking the trans person seriously.

I live in a part of the country that is relatively accepting of gender queer folks. And my hobby, tabletop gaming, is generally welcoming to the same folks. As a consequence, I interact frequently with trans folks and have many friends who are trans. What they all have in common is that they just want to go about life being their best authentic selves just like I do. No one describes cis folks as “brave” for living in conformity with their gender identity and the trans folks I’ve interacted with aren’t looking for special recognition for just doing what cis people do.

Allies take their cues from those they choose to be allies of and have their back when they are attacked, assaulted, or disparaged for simply being who they are. Put another way, why would an ally insist on complimenting someone in a way that doesn’t feel complimentary at all to the person on the receiving end?

Thank you for taking the time to explain all of this, RI. It was very helpful.

[markc]

For some reason I didn't get noticed about many of your responses. Thanks for reading and for the comments. Some provided different views and I appreciate it.

And indeed, if a compliment in fact makes someone uncomfortable, we need to respect that person and not use that compliment. My article is NOT about "insisting the transgender people to accept the 'brave' compliment." Just like the example I provided about my student. She didn't want to be called Catherine, so everyone should respect that and call her the name she wanted to be called. The key is the REASON(S) and HOW SHE EXPLAINED IT. Instead of accusing "not caring," "not being sensitive," "not doing enough," I've since seen a lot of people provide great insights into why that particular compliment isn't appropriate, and I think they are way more convincing.

So no, I believe very few will "insist" on "nothing's wrong calling you brave, so I'm going to keep using that and you have to suck it up." That is absolutely NOT what my article is saying. The point of my article is for more mutual understanding and acceptance, and the minimize anything that stops the communication.

Again, thanks for reading and the comments, appreciate it.