L. Tom Perry’s Briefcase Finally Opens: The Answers To All Of Mormonism's Questions

[Everybody Wang Chung]

During a trip to Sweden, the late L. Tom Perry once stated that the answers to all of Mormonism's troubling questions were tucked neatly in his briefcase. And since L. Tom Perry would never lie, this is a verifiable fact. Nevertheless, it came to my attention that some people had started expressing doubts about the briefcase's divine contents. Frankly, their lack of faith was very disturbing and I finally decided something had to be done.

So, thanks to the gracious investigative help of a few Cassius faculty members, I was able to execute a daring daylight break-in to the heavily guarded and fortified granite vault. There, nestled among the sacred relics, sat the prize, Perry's briefcase. I was, frankly, stunned. Perry wasn't just mostly right, he was 100% correct. The contents did in fact, answer every single troubling question I'd ever encountered about Mormonism.

Brace yourself folks for the monumental truth. This is what I found in Perry's briefcase:

My Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Mormonism has all the unmistakable hallmarks and handwriting of a complete fabrication. In short, the many troubling questions—the historical inconsistencies, the ethical quagmires, the racism, the homophobia, the non-existent civilizations, the sex abuse, the hoarding of immense wealth, the whitewashing, the polygamy, the misogyny and the inconvenient details, are clear, neon-flashing warning signs that Mormonism is a complete fraud.

Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet. He was an extremely horny, lying treasure hunter who concocted a religion to legitimize his misdeeds and activities including financial fraud, adultery, sexual coercion, and yes, even pedophilia.

Brigham Young managed to be even worse. He was a deeply racist, power-hungry despot who weaponized his office.

Very truly yours,

Jesus

[Rivendale]

And we don't have the time to go through any of the questions you may have. But you all have to make a decision. Are you with us or not?

[drumdude]

Faithful Mormons shouldn’t ask those questions. They should just ask themselves if the Mormon leaders seem like good/nice/polite people.

If they get a good feeling about the leaders of the church then they can rest assured the church is true.

[Dr. Shades]

Thank you for going through all this trouble on our behalf, Everybody Wang Chung. I have wondered about the contents of that briefcase for years, so it's nice to finally have this mystery solved!

[Marcus]

Faithful Mormons shouldn’t ask those questions. They should just ask themselves if the Mormon leaders seem like good/nice/polite people.

If they get a good feeling about the leaders of the church then they can rest assured the church is true.

And if you don't feel that good feeling, just fake it until you do. Or ask your Mormon parents. They feel it, surely. Or at least they are also faking it until they feel it, so they will of course tell you they feel it. Mormons are very honest that way.