L. Tom Perry’s Briefcase Finally Opens: The Answers To All Of Mormonism's Questions

[Everybody Wang Chung]

During a trip to Sweden, the late L. Tom Perry once stated that the answers to all of Mormonism's troubling questions were tucked neatly in his briefcase. And since L. Tom Perry would never lie, this is a verifiable fact. Nevertheless, it came to my attention that some people had started expressing doubts about the briefcase's divine contents. Frankly, their lack of faith was very disturbing and I finally decided something had to be done.

So, thanks to the gracious investigative help of a few Cassius faculty members, I was able to execute a daring daylight break-in to the heavily guarded and fortified granite vault. There, nestled among the sacred relics, sat the prize, Perry's briefcase. I was, frankly, stunned. Perry wasn't just mostly right, he was 100% correct. The contents did in fact, answer every single troubling question I'd ever encountered about Mormonism.

Brace yourself folks for the monumental truth. This is what I found in Perry's briefcase:

My Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Mormonism has all the unmistakable hallmarks and handwriting of a complete fabrication. In short, the many troubling questions—the historical inconsistencies, the ethical quagmires, the racism, the homophobia, the non-existent civilizations, the sex abuse, the hoarding of immense wealth, the whitewashing, the polygamy, the misogyny and the inconvenient details, are clear, neon-flashing warning signs that Mormonism is a complete fraud.

Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet. He was an extremely horny, lying treasure hunter who concocted a religion to legitimize his misdeeds and activities including financial fraud, adultery, sexual coercion, and yes, even pedophilia.

Brigham Young managed to be even worse. He was a deeply racist, power-hungry despot who weaponized his office.

Very truly yours,

Jesus

[Rivendale]

And we don't have the time to go through any of the questions you may have. But you all have to make a decision. Are you with us or not?

[drumdude]

Faithful Mormons shouldn’t ask those questions. They should just ask themselves if the Mormon leaders seem like good/nice/polite people.

If they get a good feeling about the leaders of the church then they can rest assured the church is true.

[Dr. Shades]

Thank you for going through all this trouble on our behalf, Everybody Wang Chung. I have wondered about the contents of that briefcase for years, so it's nice to finally have this mystery solved!

[Marcus]

Faithful Mormons shouldn’t ask those questions. They should just ask themselves if the Mormon leaders seem like good/nice/polite people.

If they get a good feeling about the leaders of the church then they can rest assured the church is true.

And if you don't feel that good feeling, just fake it until you do. Or ask your Mormon parents. They feel it, surely. Or at least they are also faking it until they feel it, so they will of course tell you they feel it. Mormons are very honest that way.

[Everybody Wang Chung]

Thank you for going through all this trouble on our behalf, Everybody Wang Chung. I have wondered about the contents of that briefcase for years, so it's nice to finally have this mystery solved!

Thank you , Dr. Shades. It was definitely a challenge. Honestly, I'm just relieved it's over. Fighting the the demons of procrastination and self-doubt required every fiber of my being.

[Doctor CamNC4Me]

Mormons have this uncanny talent for insisting there’s some secret manuscripts and letters somewhere that solves everything, and yet those dang evidences always seem to be hiding better than Waldo at a candy cane factory.

Every time a skeptic asks for the receipts, their response is usually a shrug and a story about a briefcase in Sweden, a locked vault, a messy office, or some divine “timing” that apparently hasn’t arrived yet.

Religion, man. Promises promises never delivered, and somehow you’re still supposed to have faith they exist. Right, Dr, Peterson?

[I Have Questions]

As a reminder:

The questions were things like:

■ Why does the church always portray Joseph Smith translating the Book of Mormon from golden plates, when witnesses described him looking down into a hat at a “peep stone,” a rock that he believed helped him find buried treasure?

■ Why were black men excluded from the priesthood from the mid-1800s until 1978?

■ Why did Smith claim that the Book of Abraham, a core scripture, was a translation of ancient writings from the Hebrew patriarch Abraham, when Egyptologists now identify the papyrus that Smith used in the translation as a common funerary scroll that has nothing to do with Abraham?

■ Is it true that Smith took dozens of wives, some as young as 14 and some already wed to other Mormon leaders, to the great pain of his first wife, Emma?

About that last question, Mr. Mattsson said, “That was kind of shocking.”

Mr. Mattsson said he sought the help of the church’s highest authorities. He said a senior apostle came to Sweden at his request and told a meeting of Mormons that he had a manuscript in his briefcase that, once it was published, would prove all the doubters wrong. But Mr. Mattsson said the promised text never appeared, and when he asked the apostle about it, he was told it was impertinent to ask.

(Mr. Mattsson refused to identify the apostle, but others said it was Elder L. Tom Perry, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Elder Perry, now 91, confirmed through a church spokesman that he did visit a branch in Sweden with skeptical members, but said he recalled satisfying their questions with a letter written by the church’s history department.)

L. Tom seems to have had a memory shared by approximately nobody.