You mentioned trying to be an ally of feminists. Being a good ally is hard, especially at first. But the practice of centering others instead of oneself can have a tremendous impact on how you view and treat others. Here is a section from one of the many, many online resources addressing how to be a good ally:
A couple tips: think of sexism as a thing people do, not a thing people are. Being told that something you said is sexist isn't a death sentence or an accusation of being a horrible, irredeemable person. If you didn't mean to say something sexist, then it's a mistake. Oopsie. Sorry. It's done. Like you said, you can't fix it if you can't see it. That means, if you want to fix it, you can't launch into self-defense mode when someone points sexist language out to you.BOOTS & SANDALS: HOW TO HANDLE MISTAKES
Contributed by Presley Pizzo. Please credit Presley when referencing this section.
While mistakes are to be expected, what’s the best way to go about resolving them?
Note: Parts of this section were originally based on Kayla Reed’s (@iKaylaReed) tweet sharing her definition of what it means to be an ally. It’s another great definition that’ll help you follow along with this section!
Imagine your privilege is a heavy boot that keeps you from feeling when you’re stepping on someone’s feet or they’re stepping on yours, while oppressed people have only sandals. If someone says, “ouch! You’re stepping on my toes,” how do you react?
Because we can think more clearly about stepping on someone’s literal toes than we usually do when it comes to oppression, the problems with many common responses are obvious:
In reality, most of us naturally know the right way to react when we step on someone’s toes, and we can use that to help us learn how to react when we commit microaggressions.
- Centering yourself: “I can’t believe you think I’m a toe-stepper! I’m a good person!”
Denial that others’ experiences are different from your own: “I don’t mind when people step on my toes.”
Derailing: “Some people don’t even have toes, why aren’t we talking about them instead?”
Refusal to center the impacted: “All toes matter!”
Tone policing: “I’d move my foot if you’d ask me more nicely.”
Denial that the problem is fixable: “Toes getting stepped on is a fact of life. You’ll be better off when you accept that.”
Victim blaming: “You shouldn’t have been walking around people with boots!”
Withdrawing: “I thought you wanted my help, but I guess not. I’ll just go home.”
Reacting in a fair and helpful way isn’t about learning arbitrary rules or being a doormat. When we take the politics out of it, it’s just the reasonable thing to do. Still, it’s hard to remember in the moment, because these issues are so charged in our society. As such, it may be helpful to reframe the situation so that you don’t feel defensive.
- Center the impacted: “Are you okay?”
Listen to their response and learn.
Apologize for the impact, even though you didn’t intend it: “I’m sorry!”
Stop the instance: move your foot
Stop the pattern: be careful where you step in the future. When it comes to oppression, we want to actually change the “footwear” to get rid of privilege and oppression (sneakers for all!), but metaphors can only stretch so far!
You may have noticed it’s easier to handle being corrected about something you didn’t know if you’re grateful for and even open to the opportunity to learn rather than embarrassed to have been wrong. Being able to let go of your ego is an incredibly important skill to develop.
Try starting with “Thanks for letting me know” to put yourself in a better frame of mind. If after you say that, you need to take some time to think about the situation, that’s fine, too. Just remember that this isn’t about changing the other person’s frame of mind. They’re allowed to be upset about being oppressed.
Also, allies don't expect cookies. I'm doing my best to be Lem's ally in this thread, very consciously and deliberately. And I don't expect anything in return. She can hit me with both barrels tomorrow in another thread, and I don't get to say "after all I did for you...." She owes me exactly nothing. Not a favor. Not a compliment. Not an acknowledgment. Not even a thank you. Being an ally is nothing more than trying one's best to be a decent human being. It's its own reward.
Last thing: forget about empathy. So what if you can't empathize with Lem or any other woman? You don't need to. Compassion will get you anywhere you need to go. I've been meaning to post about a book I recently read called "Against Empathy." Here's a column by the author: http://bostonreview.net/forum/paul-bloo ... st-empathy
Don't let an inability to empathize become a stumbling block. Compassion flows from the recognition that we are all human beings, with more in common than we realize. That's one thing I think the Buddhists are dead right about.
Give yourself some time to cool off, then go back and read your part of the thread with the tips on being a good ally in mind. Notice how quickly some of the participants in this conversation make it all about them -- centering on themselves instead of others. Notice how often the "problem responses" in the piece I quoted appear in the thread. Then see if that doesn't shift your perspective -- just a little.
