DoubtingThomas wrote:What kind of bothers me is that sexual harassment is poorly defined. For some elevator eyes can be sexual harassment. For others a one time invitation is harassment. I read a CNN report that many men are now afraid to talk to women because they are afraid of being accused of harassment. For you what is sexual harassment? I agree harassment is a problem, but I don't like that there is no unambiguous definition.
If we were talking about proving a geometrical theorem, we certainly need precise definitions of the terms we intend to use in stating the conditions under which the theorem applies.
But we are not proving a theorem here. We are talking about social and interpersonal relations, and in that universe everything is fuzzy edged, and everything can be different in different circumstances. Any hard definition will fail to capture important aspects of the problem, or to leave space for some parts of the solution. This is not a place where strict rules and definitions can help you much. Scary, isn't it? Welcome to the real world where real people live their lives.
We are talking about how best to respond, as men, to a powerful women's movement that is, more or less, saying to us:
"Most of us like sex, in case you haven't noticed. In fact we like it a LOT. But the majority of us have had experiences in which men have done or said sex-related things to them that made them feel a whole range of ways, from uncomfortable, through humiliated and devalued, all the way up to just plain terrified. Like men, women are all different, and some of us can brush this stuff off more easily than others. But we give you fair warning: our foremothers have mostly put up with this stuff without complaining, but now we are going to stop that and speak out.
You can avoid trouble with us pretty easily: the gross stuff - rape/coerced sex, putting your hands on particularly private parts of us just because you can, shouting foul stuff in the street - you can just cut it out now. There's no place for it in the world we are prepared to live in. The rest: next time you want to do or say something sex-related to us, don't just ask yourselves if you want to, ask yourselves if we show any signs of being ready to enjoy what you are thinking of doing, or saying, or whether we are in a situation where you are leaving us a free choice about how to react. If in doubt, think more, and maybe just don't.
Yup, there aren't any hard and fast rules here. We are all different, and so are you. But we want a world in which we, as women, can feel a LOT more comfortable and secure about the way men are likely to treat us. If the price of that is that our new policy of speaking out makes some of you feel a bit less comfortable and secure in relation to us, then tough. That will be as nothing to the way you as a gender have made us, as a gender, feel for centuries and millennia."
To be blunt and in real life about this [by the way, you don't have to believe what follows - I am actually a 55-year old virgin living in my Mom's basement where I spent my time playing with my Xbox or playing with myself.]: I have had a happy and fulfilled life in my relations with women, and I see nothing here as a threat. One reason for that is that the kind of women I am attracted to aren't the kind to take offence irrationally if a man is not initially tuned in to exactly how she is feeling at any given moment, so long as they understand that he is trying his best to make good things happen. They use these things called 'words' to help make things go smoothly ... if on the other hand you are have to do with dumb or confused or inarticulate women, or are a dumb or confused or inarticulate man, then I concede that the future does have new risks for you. But in time you'll learn ...
