So sick of codependent relationships

The Off-Topic forum for anything non-LDS related, such as sports or politics. Rated PG through PG-13.
Post Reply
_Sam Harris
_Emeritus
Posts: 2261
Joined: Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:35 am

So sick of codependent relationships

Post by _Sam Harris »

I live with my mother, which in my case is the worst damn thing you can possibly do. My mom has issues, and as a result of her issues, I've had issues. Serious ones. I've managed to get a hold on most all of them, but the anxiety is never fun, and comes an goes as a result of my status quo being upset (job, mainly), and me wondering what the hell I'm gonna do, because mom is not reliable for help.

One should feel like you can fall back on your family in times of need. But because of my mom, and the lies she's told my family, I can't even lose my goddamn mind in peace! Every step I take is hounded by the worry of who will take care of my affairs should I fall apart. And it's hard! Even if I needed to check out for a while, I couldn't, because my family wouldn't take care of me. I'm all alone in this, and I wonder how long I can last under the stress.

My mother has some serious f*cking problems. I love her, hell, I loved my dad, but that didn't mean he wasn't a lazy person. She refuses to deal with her crap, leaving me to have to deal with the runoff when things get bad. If I speak up and tell her how I feel, she goes into these declines, just this week she claimed an email sent her (I have to write her, because she never lets me speak in a "talk") gave her a bad back for two weeks. F*Celestial Kingdom that, I sent you that email less than a week ago.

My mom blames everyone but herself for her problems. My grandmother was a horrible mom, and mom was just wonderwoman to us. Ignore the stripping and beating of her kids, ignore the slaps and name-calling of me, ignore the lies to cover it up, ignore the refusal to sign a simple FAFSA form so I could go to college. Act like you didn't see none of that. She does. "I may have done some things that might not have been right." If I weren't such a good daughter, I'd have slapped her silly by now, all the wounds I've nursed in silence while having to hear that line over and over and over again.

She blames my dad for I guess, marrying her. He cheated on her, the final time with the woman who would become my stepmother. That's wrong, but nobody told your behind to get pregnant with my brother in the first place. They invented condoms in the 30s where the f*Celestial Kingdom were you? You wanna do it that bad, be brave enough to go up to the pharmacist and ask for what's necessary! Hell, most days I wish she never had me. Who knows all of what led up to their divorce, all she does is tell what he did wrong...as if she were perfectly innocent. Given her track record with me, and her lies about me, I know better. And even if that was the case, that my dad did nothing but cheat and she was freakin Mrs. Brady, someday you're gonna have to heal and move on. I'm trying to heal and move on from all the crap you put me through...

She blames my stepfather for pretty much doing the same thing that dad did. But again, no one told you to marry a man you'd only known for two months. Can you say dumb? Then you let him carry you overseas away from your family (that you don't really like that much anyway), and when crap hits the fan, you don't know what to do. You let your emotions and desire to run away from tragedy (the man she was supposed to marry died of cancer, and according to my brother, mom was pissed she wasn't in his will) get the best of you, and again it wasn't your fault. Not to mention the man was once acting very perverted towards me, touching me and walking naked through the house when mom wasn't home. When I told her, she feigned being hurt for a while, but eventually turned on me. Why? It's more financially prudent. She's now on a crusade to get her name put on the deeds of all his houses. They live in separate places, but she refuses to divorce him because of the benefits. Greedy heifer.

And lastly (but most often, it seems) she blames me. I shouldn't have been born, mom was trying to go to college. Hence the refusal to sign my damn financial aid forms, and the SEVEN YEAR WAIT I've been put through. She hated to sing when she was younger, so she refused to acknowledge my talent. Pisses me off, my best friend sings as well, was trained at Howard, and she thinks she's just the crap. Whatever, your talent is a mixture of a gift from God, some vocal training, and a lot of support. I'd be where you are if I had what you had, so stop thinking you're so damn special. I just grit my teeth and smile when she goes on about how everyone knows how high of a cailber singer she is.

Mom spent my entire life trying to keep me in one place: under her heel. I've suffered emotionally and physically from the abuse she dealt. Every health problem I've had and have is a result of her abuse. She only had me to try to keep my dad at home, and when that fell through, I was conveniently there to terrorize. For years she controlled the friends I had, if I had friends. She bitched about any new friend that came into my life, even my best friend, who she now loves to death. She controlled whose house I entered, so I wouldn't see that not everyone's mom beat the hell out of their kids and called them names. If I dared tell anyone about why those welts were on my body, she'd threaten me. "Talking" to her is her telling you what she wants and how she feels, and you just listening. She refuses to sit down and talk to me. So in my teens I started writing her letters. I even edited them to her taste! Until I got tired and went back into f*Celestial Kingdom this, f*Celestial Kingdom you mode. Even the last letter I wrote her was filled with "thanks (yeah right, I only put that there to soften the blow) for her efforts, but a plea for her to step back and stop trying to control my life.

Now that I'm grown, complete with my own set of problems, half exacerbated by her influence, which I'm trying to get rid of on my own, I do my best to stay away from her. But living in her house, please. I could be sleeping, she just barges in and barks an order. No waking me up first, I'd better piece together the first part of what she wants while I'm coming back to consciousness. She's forever asking me stupid questions, like, are you going to be in for the night? It's 11 f*cking 47 in the morning on a SATURDAY!!!! I'M 25!!!! How the hell should I know? So you don't have a life don't assume I'm like you!

And let's not forget the financial problems. I wasn't really worth it as her child for her to sit down with me when I was 18, and try to explain to me the necessity of things like savings, credit, etc. I have learned from falling on my face. And now, while I'm trying to clean up the (luckily, small) mess that I've made, I have to worry about making sure I've paid her her rent first. And that's been that way for years. Hear my mom tell it, I don't pay her rent, and I always owe her money. What do I owe her? $450 dollars from her "benevolent" offer to take me to the doctor a few months back, as I was sick. Theraflu would have been fine, because what did I have? A COLD!!! And a prescription for a $90 dollar bottle of cough syrup. She got pissed at me, for taking her up on her offer! And now, all I hear is, when you get your next job, you need to pay me. Like I don't! I hate her sometimes.

For four years, I've been paying her rent before I bought food, before I paid a creditor. All my life I've dealt with her manipulation. Last year she made me sign an agreement to get out of her house, because I wouldn't give her a written schedule of my every move. And now, I just avoid her. And she doesn't know why.

I hope by my next birthday, (July) my credit will be clean. I hate this place. I hate living with her. I hate her BS, and her manipulation to keep me where she wants me, here and unhappy. I wish she'd just get a grip, get a life!
Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. -Ghandi
_Dr. Shades
_Emeritus
Posts: 14117
Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 9:07 pm

Post by _Dr. Shades »

Oh man, GIMR, I feel for you!

I sure hope she's giving you a GREAT deal on rent, 'cause it sounds so not worth it otherwise.

Yeah, family sucks sometimes (or perhaps all the time). The sooner you can get the offenders out of your life, the better.
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"

--Louis Midgley
_Jersey Girl
_Emeritus
Posts: 34407
Joined: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:16 am

Post by _Jersey Girl »

Um, I have a question. Why is it that you choose to live with your Mother?

Jersey Girl
_harmony
_Emeritus
Posts: 18195
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:35 am

Post by _harmony »

I'm confused. I thought you were in college somewhere back East.
_Sam Harris
_Emeritus
Posts: 2261
Joined: Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:35 am

Post by _Sam Harris »

Hey guys,

Yeah, the situation sucks. Especially when I'm unemployed. I usually don't stay that way for long, but in the ten years I've been working, I've never been unemployed at Christmas, especially when I had bills to pay.

Jersey Girl, I don't stay here by choice. I stay here for now because it's fiscally the wisest thing to do. Like many 18-year-old fools, I got a credit card my first semester in school back in '99. I racked up some debt, and have taken care of those two particular problems. But I also have a lot of medical debt, and two not too large, but large enough to annoy me "commercial" debts to take care of. I had hoped the job I just got let go from would help me to do that, and before the end of the year, no less.

Harmony, I am in school, and I do live on the east coast. I live at home, but study online. Regent is based in Virginia Beach, VA, but they have a "D.C." campus, which is located in Alexandria VA where I live.

Naw, I ain't getting a good deal for the rent I pay her. I have no privacy, and let her get mad about something, she gets very territorial. I haven't moved yet, because I want my finances to be in such good order that I'll be set when I leave...the last time. I've moved three times before, and ended up back here three times. Each time she gloated a bit more. I can't take that again. Right now its either here or a homeless shelter, and I really don't want to do that yet. It could get that bad, but hasn't so far. And in the DC area, you either have perfect credit or a lot of money to use as a cushion if you want to rent something. I have neither.

I'm just fed up at this point. She's so oblivious to her behavior, and if I get upset, she doesn't understand why. I usually just get quiet, and then she's asking me if everything's ok. Yesterday when she pissed me off, I told her that I was upset due to the large project I had to get in. So I buried myself in my room and worked on that all day. Today, when I came downstairs and looked more rested, she said to me that I am a "bitch" when I'm working on school. She often does that, tell me I'm a bitch when I'm upset about something, and usually I just don't bother telling her its her. She doesn't listen. She runs away, interrupts, does everything necessary not to listen to me.

She just barged in my room again, no knocking. I could be buck naked, she doesn't care. This is her house, and I'm just another piece of property. Sadly, my mom's generation of women in her family view their kids as chattel. I'm just here to use, and if I complain or break down, I get looked at like I'm crazy. The strain of holding all this together gets to be too much sometimes. We shop for groceries and toiletries separately, which is fine, but if I use anything of hers, she tells me how much the whole thing costs so I can replace it...but will ask for my stuff for free if she sees something she wants...or she'll just eat it. I can barely afford groceries and she's in my stuff.

I know that I'm just gonna have to buckle down and be poor for the next few months so I can pay off all my bills and get the hell out of here. I've been so weary for so long over all this crap, that I just wasn't sure if I could take on much more. Well, school has proven that I can do it. So next step is finding another job...and just paying everyone I have to so I can get out of here.
Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. -Ghandi
Post Reply