A collection of Military Humor. Feel free to add any jokes or funny sea-stories you might have.
The Best Dear John Letter Response Ever
A soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "I regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
10 Ways to Make Basic Training Tougher
1.) Don't march...shuffle
2.) After every pushup say: The power puff girls are tougher
3.) Wake up every 30 min in the middle of the night, poke your bunkmate and ask him if he just 'saw that'
4.) Whistle taps at morning muster
5.) Grind your teeth during inspection every time the RDC/TI/DI/DS bends down
6.) Sing "This old mare just ain't what she used to be" at the top of your lungs during the gas chamber
7.) Work the cafateria during service week and ask every recruit if they would like fries with that.
8.) Work the cafateria during service week and say 'and then' to every recruit repeatedly
9.) Spray paint the commander's car to look like the flag and stand saluting it until noticed
10.) Randomly scream "shoulda joined the marines/army/air force/navy" throughout your inprocessing days (depending on what branch you signed up for).
More to come as I remember it or dig it out of my HD.
Mr. Coffee's MilSpec Humor Thread
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_Mr. Coffee
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_Dr. Shades
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I read this in Soldier of Fortune magazine some years ago. A soldier had written in, telling of a practical joke he and some buddies had pulled on the officers.
He and his friends dismantled a soccer ball, removing the outer covering of black-and-white five-sided patches. They then took a bowling ball, then sewed up the soccer ball exterior over it.
They then took this bowling-ball-disguised-as-a-soccer-ball and placed it just outside the exit of the officers' mess.
You can imagine the result.
He and his friends dismantled a soccer ball, removing the outer covering of black-and-white five-sided patches. They then took a bowling ball, then sewed up the soccer ball exterior over it.
They then took this bowling-ball-disguised-as-a-soccer-ball and placed it just outside the exit of the officers' mess.
You can imagine the result.
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"
--Louis Midgley
--Louis Midgley
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Jersey Girl wrote:Anything with the USAF? I'd love to read it! Thanks for the good humor!
Jersey Girl
Ah... I see were have a fan of the Air Farce... Just kidding. Interservice rivalry is all in good fun.
Air Force humor... I think I can provide some.
Real writeups in Air Force "781" Aircraft Maintenance Forms, and the "innovative" solutions of Air Force aircraft maintenance technicians:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Fighters vs Bombers
An F-15 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
Which Branch Has The Smartest Enlistedmen?
Take the Army. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up to the bellowing of his First Sergeant. He grabs his BDUs out of his foot locker, dresses, runs to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the company commander, a captain, arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"
Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess. He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a big, steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors!"
Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his company commander, a captain, comes out, gives the Marine a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marine!"
And then there's the Air Force. When the s*** hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call at his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers,shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car and cruises through the McDonalds drive-thru for an Egg McMuffin and Coca-Cola on his way into work. Once at work, he signs in on the duty roster. He proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and signs off the forms. Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain arrives, straps into the jet, and starts the engines. Our young Airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"
New US Military Enlistment Oaths
The US DOD has determined that each branch shall have their own Oaths of Enlistment to better reflect the values of the individual branches. As follows...
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Grunt, swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Swabby, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Devildog, swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me CHESTY PULLER!"
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The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. (* denotes things that I've done or something very similiar to it).
The 213 Things....
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.*
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.*
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.*
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.*
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.*
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.*
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.*
20. Must not taunt the French any more.*
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.*
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.*
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.*
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.*
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.* (As much as I might bag on the French, some of their military personnel are actually good people, and the French operate a couple of outstanding SF units. Legioniares are, of course, some damned good people to have around in a fight.)
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”*
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).*
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).*
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.*
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.*
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.*
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.*
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)* (For some reason that song gives the blackhats at Benning the ever loving willies.)
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).*
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.*
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.*
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.*
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.*
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.*
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.*
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.*
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.*
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.*
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.*
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.*
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.*
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”*
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. *(I used to get creative when asked to call cadence.)
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.*
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.*
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.*
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.*
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.*
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.*
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.*
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.*
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."*
78. I may not call block my chain of command.*
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.*
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.*
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."* (I actually filed an AAR that began with "Dear penthouse...")
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.*
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.*
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.*
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.*
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.*
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.*
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.*
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.*
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.*
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.*
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.*
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.* (You'd be amazed at some of the lengths will go to in order to smuggle booze.)
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.*
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.*
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.*
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".*)Used to pull that crap after they sent me to Airborne and HALO.)
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.*
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.*
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.*
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.*
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.*
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.*
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.*
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.*
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.*
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.*
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.*
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole damned village!” while out on a mission is bad.*
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.*
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.*
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.*
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.*
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.*
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.*
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”*
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.*
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.*
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.*
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.*
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.*
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.*
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.*
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.* (Yes there is...)
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.*
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.*
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.*
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.* (We really, really will... Dog, cat, several kinds of snake, monkey, rat, and basically most anything that couldn't swim, fly, run, or slither away fast enough I've eaten. Taste's like chicken...)
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.*
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.*
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.*
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.*
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.* (Done it clear out to 103 verses)
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.*
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.*
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")*
206. Not allowed to get shot.*
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.*
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.*
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.*
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. (* denotes things that I've done or something very similiar to it).
The 213 Things....
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.*
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.*
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.*
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.*
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.*
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.*
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.*
20. Must not taunt the French any more.*
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.*
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.*
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.*
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.*
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.* (As much as I might bag on the French, some of their military personnel are actually good people, and the French operate a couple of outstanding SF units. Legioniares are, of course, some damned good people to have around in a fight.)
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”*
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).*
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).*
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.*
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.*
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.*
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.*
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)* (For some reason that song gives the blackhats at Benning the ever loving willies.)
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).*
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.*
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.*
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.*
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.*
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.*
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.*
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.*
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.*
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.*
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.*
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.*
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.*
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”*
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. *(I used to get creative when asked to call cadence.)
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.*
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.*
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.*
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.*
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.*
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.*
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.*
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.*
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."*
78. I may not call block my chain of command.*
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.*
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.*
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."* (I actually filed an AAR that began with "Dear penthouse...")
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.*
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.*
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.*
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.*
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.*
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.*
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.*
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.*
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.*
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.*
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.*
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.* (You'd be amazed at some of the lengths will go to in order to smuggle booze.)
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.*
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.*
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.*
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".*)Used to pull that crap after they sent me to Airborne and HALO.)
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.*
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.*
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.*
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.*
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.*
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.*
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.*
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.*
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.*
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.*
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.*
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole damned village!” while out on a mission is bad.*
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.*
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.*
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.*
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.*
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.*
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.*
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”*
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.*
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.*
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.*
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.*
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.*
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.*
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.*
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.* (Yes there is...)
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.*
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.*
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.*
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.* (We really, really will... Dog, cat, several kinds of snake, monkey, rat, and basically most anything that couldn't swim, fly, run, or slither away fast enough I've eaten. Taste's like chicken...)
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.*
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.*
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.*
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.*
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.* (Done it clear out to 103 verses)
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.*
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.*
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")*
206. Not allowed to get shot.*
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.*
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.*
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.*
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
On Mathematics: I divided by zero! Oh SHI....
-
_Mr. Coffee
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 627
- Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 6:18 am
Why Rednecks Make Good Marines
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc...,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.
But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.
And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
The tactful Sergeant...
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE US ARMY:
A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...."
A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this crap..."
RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY
General/Admiral
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel/Captain
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel/Commander
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major/LT Commander
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain/LT
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant/LT Junior Grade
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant/Ensign
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.
Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Gunnery Sergeant/Sergeant First Class/Master Sergeant/Chief Petty officer (USMC/USA/USAF/USN)
Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
He Is God.
CIA Recruitment
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — a Ranger, a Sailor, and a Marine. For the final test, the CIA agents took the Sailor to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The Sailor said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The Ranger was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Ranger came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat her to death with the chair.”
32 Thing To Never Forget During Combat Operations
1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
2. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
3. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
4. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
5. Letters from home are not always great.
6. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
7. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.
8. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
9. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
10. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.
11. "Chicken Plates" (bullet proof plates for flak jackets) are not something you order in a restaurant.
12. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
13. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
14. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
15. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
16. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
17. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
18. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
19. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
20. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
21. Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold MREs, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
22. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
23. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
24. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
25. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
26. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
27. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
28. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
29. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
30. C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun.
31. Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither. Always make sure someone has a P-38 (compact can opener).
Actual Bumper Stickers seen on the vehicles of Marines.
Save water, shower with a MARINE.
Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.
1st Marine Division: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is mandated by the Commandant.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?
All men are created equal, then some become Marines.
It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.
U.S. Marine Corps: Travel agents to Allah.
First Iraq, then France!
It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.
Marines think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.
"War never solved anything... Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything."
REAL Sergeants...
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Have a spine.
3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
4. Can see in the Dark.
5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
6. Still don't trust the Russians.
7. Still hate the French.
8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a d**n about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
23. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there".
24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice...
26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
28. Don't believe a d*mn thing the Iraqis say.
29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves on a map.
30. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce). (They do! ask me and I'll tell the tale of when I feed an Ex-GF of mine 6 MRE's at once in the guise of a four course meal....)
32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their rifle (Honor thy Tool and keep it Rigid, RANGERS LEAD THE WAY).
47. Know that inept officers will always say they have inept soldiers.
Marine Corps Entrance Exam
Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
Name: _____________________________
Signature: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to? (check only one)
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
___ (f) Muslim
___ (g) Irish
___ (h) Buddhist
___ (i) Protestant
___ (j) Italian
___ (k) Southern Baptist
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (check only one)
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton (please print)
Bush : _________________________________________
Carter : _________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from? (check only one)
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky (clouds)
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (check only one)
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS (please print).
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges (check only one)?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Basic Math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
21. What Does the NAVY do? (check only one)
___ (a) Sail the seven seas and play with inflatable dolls
___ (b) Haul Marines to various fight locations around the world!
22. Who is the current President of the United States of America? (check only one)
___ (a) Usama bin Laden
___ (b) Jimmy Carter
___ (c) Ronald Reagan
___ (d) General George C, Patton
___ (e) Adolf Hitler
___ (f) GEORGE W. BUSH
23. Where do most Marines receive their basic training? (check only one)
___ (a) The White House
___ (b) Camp David
___ (c) Disneyland
___ (d) Nixon's Library
___ (e) Watergate Hotel
___ (f) Santa's Lodge at the North Pole
___ (g) Parris Island South Carolina
24. There are three (3) branches to the United States Government, they are (check only one):
___ (a) Executive, Legislative, and Judicial
___ (b) Army, Navy, Marines
___ (c) White, Black, and Hispanic
___ (d) Protestant, Jewish, and Catholic
25. Advanced Math: You have one pound of Grapes. How many pounds of grapes do you have?
26. In war, I must (check as many as apply):
___ Kill the enemy, my creed will be one shot, one kill
___ Yell out, "Hey ya all want to surrender?"
___ Take NO Prisoners, kill them all, let God sort them out later
Test Notations:
* You must correctly answer five (5) or more questions to qualify.
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.
* Cheating is not tolerated but may be overlooked if YOU currently have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won the Mr. Universe Contest.
* If you brought your dog or horse with you, please don't bring it into the test room, tie it up outside.
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc...,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.
But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.
And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
The tactful Sergeant...
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE US ARMY:
A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...."
A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this crap..."
RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY
General/Admiral
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel/Captain
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel/Commander
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major/LT Commander
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain/LT
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant/LT Junior Grade
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant/Ensign
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.
Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Gunnery Sergeant/Sergeant First Class/Master Sergeant/Chief Petty officer (USMC/USA/USAF/USN)
Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
He Is God.
CIA Recruitment
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — a Ranger, a Sailor, and a Marine. For the final test, the CIA agents took the Sailor to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The Sailor said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The Ranger was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Ranger came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat her to death with the chair.”
32 Thing To Never Forget During Combat Operations
1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
2. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
3. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
4. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
5. Letters from home are not always great.
6. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
7. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.
8. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
9. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
10. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.
11. "Chicken Plates" (bullet proof plates for flak jackets) are not something you order in a restaurant.
12. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
13. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
14. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
15. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
16. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
17. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
18. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
19. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
20. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
21. Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold MREs, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
22. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
23. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
24. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
25. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
26. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
27. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
28. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
29. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
30. C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun.
31. Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither. Always make sure someone has a P-38 (compact can opener).
Actual Bumper Stickers seen on the vehicles of Marines.
Save water, shower with a MARINE.
Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.
1st Marine Division: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is mandated by the Commandant.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?
All men are created equal, then some become Marines.
It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.
U.S. Marine Corps: Travel agents to Allah.
First Iraq, then France!
It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.
Marines think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.
"War never solved anything... Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything."
REAL Sergeants...
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Have a spine.
3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
4. Can see in the Dark.
5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
6. Still don't trust the Russians.
7. Still hate the French.
8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a d**n about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
23. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there".
24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice...
26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
28. Don't believe a d*mn thing the Iraqis say.
29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves on a map.
30. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce). (They do! ask me and I'll tell the tale of when I feed an Ex-GF of mine 6 MRE's at once in the guise of a four course meal....)
32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their rifle (Honor thy Tool and keep it Rigid, RANGERS LEAD THE WAY).
47. Know that inept officers will always say they have inept soldiers.
Marine Corps Entrance Exam
Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
Name: _____________________________
Signature: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to? (check only one)
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
___ (f) Muslim
___ (g) Irish
___ (h) Buddhist
___ (i) Protestant
___ (j) Italian
___ (k) Southern Baptist
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (check only one)
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton (please print)
Bush : _________________________________________
Carter : _________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from? (check only one)
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky (clouds)
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (check only one)
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS (please print).
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges (check only one)?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Basic Math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
21. What Does the NAVY do? (check only one)
___ (a) Sail the seven seas and play with inflatable dolls
___ (b) Haul Marines to various fight locations around the world!
22. Who is the current President of the United States of America? (check only one)
___ (a) Usama bin Laden
___ (b) Jimmy Carter
___ (c) Ronald Reagan
___ (d) General George C, Patton
___ (e) Adolf Hitler
___ (f) GEORGE W. BUSH
23. Where do most Marines receive their basic training? (check only one)
___ (a) The White House
___ (b) Camp David
___ (c) Disneyland
___ (d) Nixon's Library
___ (e) Watergate Hotel
___ (f) Santa's Lodge at the North Pole
___ (g) Parris Island South Carolina
24. There are three (3) branches to the United States Government, they are (check only one):
___ (a) Executive, Legislative, and Judicial
___ (b) Army, Navy, Marines
___ (c) White, Black, and Hispanic
___ (d) Protestant, Jewish, and Catholic
25. Advanced Math: You have one pound of Grapes. How many pounds of grapes do you have?
26. In war, I must (check as many as apply):
___ Kill the enemy, my creed will be one shot, one kill
___ Yell out, "Hey ya all want to surrender?"
___ Take NO Prisoners, kill them all, let God sort them out later
Test Notations:
* You must correctly answer five (5) or more questions to qualify.
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.
* Cheating is not tolerated but may be overlooked if YOU currently have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won the Mr. Universe Contest.
* If you brought your dog or horse with you, please don't bring it into the test room, tie it up outside.
On Mathematics: I divided by zero! Oh SHI....
My military experience is slight.
I was born on an overseas airbase. Wheelus Air Force Base, Tripoli, Libya. My father wasn't in the air force for very long so I hardly qualify as any kind of military brat.
Oddly enough, though, my husband was also born on an overseas airbase. His dad served longer, so he grew up in England and moved to the US as a teenager.
Strange that we both have that in our backgrounds.
I was born on an overseas airbase. Wheelus Air Force Base, Tripoli, Libya. My father wasn't in the air force for very long so I hardly qualify as any kind of military brat.
Oddly enough, though, my husband was also born on an overseas airbase. His dad served longer, so he grew up in England and moved to the US as a teenager.
Strange that we both have that in our backgrounds.
From the Ernest L. Wilkinson Diaries: "ELW dreams he's spattered w/ grease. Hundreds steal his greasy pants."
-
_Mr. Coffee
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 627
- Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2007 6:18 am
Blixa wrote:My military experience is slight.
I was born on an overseas airbase. Wheelus Air Force Base, Tripoli, Libya. My father wasn't in the air force for very long so I hardly qualify as any kind of military brat.
Oddly enough, though, my husband was also born on an overseas airbase. His dad served longer, so he grew up in England and moved to the US as a teenager.
Strange that we both have that in our backgrounds.
Well, both my parents are retired USAF E-9s. I was born at Shappard AFB, Texas (actually, I was hatched out from under a rock, as you were. We both know Air Force personnel don't give live birth), spent most of my childhood traveling from AFB to AFB before we finally settled in St. Louis, MO when my parents were serving out their final four years (Pop was at Scott, AFB and Mom worked for Defense Mapping).
Besides them, both of my Grandfathers were servicemen (Pop's Dad was US Army Air Corps, Mom's Dad was a Marine). With the exception of the youngest of my uncles (He's two years older than me), all of my uncles and my aunt served (Two Airforce, three Army, one Navy, one Marines).
My choice to serve was made in no small part due to the examples set for me by my family. Much like the fictional "LT Dan" from Forrest Gump, there has been a member of my Familly serviving in every single declared war the US has ever faught starting back with the War of Independance.
Only we were all cunning enough to make some other poor dumb son of a bitch die for his country instead of us dying for ours.
On Mathematics: I divided by zero! Oh SHI....