Some of you may have been wondering....

Post by **_Mr. Coffee** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 7:59 pm

Why I went batshit insane the last week or so.

Well, to get the big part of it out of the way, my son, David, died. He was 18 and was supposed to go to parris island this month to follow my footstepps as a Marine.

But to use my son's memory as an excuse for my actions would belittle him and myself.

I've also, as an asside to David's death, had to coem to gribs with a lot of repressed anger towards various people and things in my life.

The multiples combined, I took it out on you, not just as individuals, but as a site. I'm right now going through "group" again for my PSTD, main;y because Linda said it was "Those damned ghosts or me", and she made herself clear enough that I understood. I'd rather face my own "demons" thewn loose the one anchor of my life.

She also has been reading over my shoulder as I postewd here. Sober, Drunk, Sane, Grieving, or Mad, she watched me. She's my concious and my soul in more ways than I'll ever be able to tell.

I say this to you not as an excuse, but as a reason. What I did and said is and will forever be my own actions. I accept the blame and the responsibility for my actions. As a man and as a Marine, I owe not just the people I offended, but this site an appology.

I'm going to try and refrain from posting for a while as I get my own life in order. I'l, try and drop in now and then with smart assed comments as I can.

Post by **_silentkid** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 8:24 pm

Good luck with all of this, Coffee. My condolences and best wishes are with you.

_Yoda · Post by **_Yoda** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:41 pm

Dear Coffee,

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your son. My heartfelt condolences are with you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Losing a child is such a devastating ordeal. I watched my sister in law go through this when her daughter, our beloved niece, died in an accident several years ago. I don't know that the pain ever goes away, but time does slowly heal. It sounds like you have a good life partner and support system. Hang onto her! :)

Good luck in working through all of this. I hope that we can be a support for you in some way.

Much love and cyber hugs,

Liz

Post by **_moksha** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:57 pm

Coffee, I am saddened to hear about the loss of your son. That is such a tragedy.
I wish you and your family the best in this time of sorrow.

Post by **_barrelomonkeys** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:16 pm

Coffee, I'm so sorry about your loss.

Post by **_Mr. Coffee** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:25 pm

The day he was borne.

That day I was in battle, not for my life, but in order to take life. They had decided that a few whore they thouhgtm were of the same tribe had the right to food. That they alone had the right to life. They pereforated the bowels of that sad state that was war torn Somalia.

They thought that they had the right of MIGHT and of SUMPREMACY. But they thought wrong.

They thought the same wrongs that many be fore me had bleed and dead againt.

Yet still our wrath was not felt againt them. Even as they pillaged each aid truck after aid truck. I stood by, in stoic silence. My jaw set, ready to rain final judgement on those that so open deserved it. I was as a waiting angel of death, waiting to do my Lord's bidding and take the non-believers, those Islamics and other heretics, to their final judgement before my God. The one true god...

The god of my father, and his fathers before him.

I wanted to slay them with a righious fury that would not be abarted.

Yet it was...

"Whisky Fox, RTB," was the call that signalled thew death nell of my faith.

I saw those starving people waiting for us to help them. They begged us to help.

Yet we could not, would not, do to the orders placed on use from those on high.

I was prevented from wrecking god's and my own judgemnent on the wicked, on those that would refuse bread to the starved....

And in that order, my faith died.

Hard.

Post by **_Jersey Girl** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:39 pm

What is there to say here? There are....no words...are there? No words to bring fairness or justice or even a sense of reason to this.

Coffee, you are a good writer. If you care to write your thoughts, we will read it.

May something comfort the heart that you try so often not to show us, and that I, at least, know that you have.

In friendship,
Jersey Girl
*tears*

(Edit: I've read everything you posted today so far. Keep writing, coffee)

Post by **_Mr. Coffee** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:40 pm

I released the handles of the M134, numb, almost in shock that such an oder could be given. Especially in the face of the brutal war we had offered the men fighting on behalf of asshose like the Warlord Aidid. I wanted them. I wanted them as deaths to be bragged aboubt and sung for by Marines to follow. I hatted them, I hated them as men who would take life for their own gain.

To this day, I want to kill Aidid. If he would but stand before me on the field of honor....

But he did not. And I, beindg the good Marine, swallowed my own honer and released those triggers as we flew towards the cost of Somalia.

I wish to this day that I had not been a "Good" Marine and had broken the faith and the discipline of my order. I wish now that I had killed Aidid while he was still a local commander and befoire he was responsible for the deaths of so many men that I loved as fellow warriors and as Americans.

That is part of my burden.

Post by **_Mr. Coffee** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:52 pm

Somalia scared me, but not as deeply as I first thought.

Still, some hope that God was there survived in me. That maybe He was there and was watching over his choosen people.

And then my first partol through the war torn hell hole that is Bosnia came to pass.

We strode forth on our seemly mighty beasts, convinced of our own invulneralbility.

We were gods that day, thanks to our brothers in the Air Force, we gave death were ever we looked. For a time I thought I felt His judgement on those we slayed. I called in such air strickes that nothing could survive.

Then they asked me to go on patrol.

I did, as I was ordered. I went and I brouhgt with me my spotter, a man I thought was as valiant a Marine as I.

Did I mention that my enemy used the very same toys that our children played with as weapons?

Imagine, if you can, you're a child and you see this brighly colored piece of cloth, a teddy bear waiting for you to hug it...

And when you do, the world erupts in fire.

I saw that and day to dsay I wanted for a Serbian to fall unto my sights.
I wanted them to face my rightious judgement.

And then, before I could claim them in the name of the god of war and death anbd hate, I was pulled home.

Post by **_Mr. Coffee** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:56 pm

And that;s part of it, part of how I came to understand that there is no god. I will tell more when I am ready.