God's Timing
Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:28 pm
Someone once said to me that the easiest way to forget about one's own problems is to serve another. At the time I just brushed it off, but today something came into my life that couldn't have come at a better time. It's honestly something I need, something I look forward to doing. I don't know how many people walk around knowing what their purpose in life is, but I'm happy to know that a portion of my life is going to be aimed towards something like this:
http://www.theurbanpassage.org
Meaning in the midst of my everyday madness...
I stayed home today, having had yet another "head attack" last night. The headaches never cease, and some nights they're so bad I cannot sleep. I've had two ER trips since my hospitilization, and the last trip they had me on morphine. Morphine for headaches! My doc still thinks I have a blood clot on my brain (which is causing the pressure/pain), and they're still alternating between testing me further and drugging me up. Surgery is a possibility, which both angers and scares me. I miss on average one day from work every two weeks, and since I have no such thing as leave, my checks run short. I choose between food and bills each week now, which is sick, living with my mother, but what can you do? She just came in calculating the money I owe her, when the medicine runs high, I'd rather just do without, but she pays for it, which puts me in debt to her. I hate that, because then I have to hear about it all the time. I can't seem to get my finances in order long enough to file the bankruptcy that must happen...$40,000 of medical debt and rising. Each week a new bill comes in. Perhaps that's why I haven't gotten a stronghold yet, so I don't file too early. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm in quicksand.
The job has not gotten any better, the residents swear at me now, for what others do. My boss still allows his two girlfriends to run things, and rumor has it they're telling him to fire me because I won't get on my knees. My temp agency sympathizes, but hasn't really done much other than go "wow". So I'm in the search for another job yet again. The thought of a new place filled with unhappy Office Space characters terrifies me. Yet what other choices do I have?
I sat in bed today and just cried. My friends don't know how to approach me, I'm too sick to have fun and go out with them, so they usually abandon cause and go do what they do. I alternate between wishing I "had a life" (graduated from college, own place, good health), and feeling hopeless that I will ever have one. All my life I've seen a pattern of isolation, sickness, and poverty. I'm trying to have faith that this pattern will one day cease, and that I'm doing things to make that a reality. But when you're stuck in today, and today sucks (or hurts), it's hard.
Then the phone rings.
About 4-6 weeks ago I had gone on volunteermatch.org to find a way to give back. Something to look forward to, something to take my mind of me for a while. I found The Urban Passage. I didn't hear back, so I'd assumed that the vacancies were filled. Turns out they're not. Turns out the founder of The Urban Passage goes to my church, and that they still need help. Turns out it's close to where I work, and the founder feels that I have the skills necessary to relate to these kids.
I used to sit and think about the things life and those in it close to me have carried me through. I wouldn't change a thing, even now. But it would help to know that one's suffering could be for a purpose. Finally, I can take what I've experienced and help someone else. And it couldn't have come at a better time, that phone didn't ring a minute too soon.
I swear I was on the verge of a cliff today, before that phone rang. To me, that's providence. The chance to be useful for something, the chance to give back, to be more than just this broke invalid in her mother's house.
Can't you tell I'm excited? :-) Those who believe, pray for me as I enter into this. I'd appreciate it.
http://www.theurbanpassage.org
Meaning in the midst of my everyday madness...
I stayed home today, having had yet another "head attack" last night. The headaches never cease, and some nights they're so bad I cannot sleep. I've had two ER trips since my hospitilization, and the last trip they had me on morphine. Morphine for headaches! My doc still thinks I have a blood clot on my brain (which is causing the pressure/pain), and they're still alternating between testing me further and drugging me up. Surgery is a possibility, which both angers and scares me. I miss on average one day from work every two weeks, and since I have no such thing as leave, my checks run short. I choose between food and bills each week now, which is sick, living with my mother, but what can you do? She just came in calculating the money I owe her, when the medicine runs high, I'd rather just do without, but she pays for it, which puts me in debt to her. I hate that, because then I have to hear about it all the time. I can't seem to get my finances in order long enough to file the bankruptcy that must happen...$40,000 of medical debt and rising. Each week a new bill comes in. Perhaps that's why I haven't gotten a stronghold yet, so I don't file too early. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm in quicksand.
The job has not gotten any better, the residents swear at me now, for what others do. My boss still allows his two girlfriends to run things, and rumor has it they're telling him to fire me because I won't get on my knees. My temp agency sympathizes, but hasn't really done much other than go "wow". So I'm in the search for another job yet again. The thought of a new place filled with unhappy Office Space characters terrifies me. Yet what other choices do I have?
I sat in bed today and just cried. My friends don't know how to approach me, I'm too sick to have fun and go out with them, so they usually abandon cause and go do what they do. I alternate between wishing I "had a life" (graduated from college, own place, good health), and feeling hopeless that I will ever have one. All my life I've seen a pattern of isolation, sickness, and poverty. I'm trying to have faith that this pattern will one day cease, and that I'm doing things to make that a reality. But when you're stuck in today, and today sucks (or hurts), it's hard.
Then the phone rings.
About 4-6 weeks ago I had gone on volunteermatch.org to find a way to give back. Something to look forward to, something to take my mind of me for a while. I found The Urban Passage. I didn't hear back, so I'd assumed that the vacancies were filled. Turns out they're not. Turns out the founder of The Urban Passage goes to my church, and that they still need help. Turns out it's close to where I work, and the founder feels that I have the skills necessary to relate to these kids.
I used to sit and think about the things life and those in it close to me have carried me through. I wouldn't change a thing, even now. But it would help to know that one's suffering could be for a purpose. Finally, I can take what I've experienced and help someone else. And it couldn't have come at a better time, that phone didn't ring a minute too soon.
I swear I was on the verge of a cliff today, before that phone rang. To me, that's providence. The chance to be useful for something, the chance to give back, to be more than just this broke invalid in her mother's house.
Can't you tell I'm excited? :-) Those who believe, pray for me as I enter into this. I'd appreciate it.