Sailgirl posts from KA's "Liars" thread

[_sailgirl7]

sailgirl, I'll pipe in about the weight also. My ex-husband used to use weight as a stick to beat me over the head with. When I was divorcing him he begged me not to and continually told me how beautiful I was and how no other woman could measure up (he'd had some relations with other women) and how they didn't satisfy him in the eye candy department. I realized at that moment that this asshole had made me feel like crap for 5 years and I was an absolutely beautiful young woman. It was all his issue and he'd made it mine.

Jersey Girl nailed it when she pointed out that your husband expects you to have children and not have a body that looks like you've had children. This is his problem. I'm sorry he's made it yours.

Book of Mormon,

Thank you for your comments- I love reading what you have to say. I'm sorry about your experiences with your ex. Unfortunately, it seems like this problem is more common than I thought. Good for you for finally realizing you were a beautiful woman and he was the one with the problems! I admire your strength and courage!

[_Who Knows]

But here's something interesting, the first year of our marriage, we read the scriptures EVERY night. Never missed a day. That year was the absolute worst as far as his temper and control. He even physically would push me down, pin me down, and one time at a store, he shoved me into a display stand.

Holy crap! It just keeps getting worse. Are you serious? That is definitely NOT normal behavior. Combined with the emotional abuse.

If I were you, I would have RUN as fast as I could. Sounds like it's gotten better, so at least there's a silver lining.

I'd just be worried that it could strike back at any time.

Sorry to hear this, and best of luck to you.

[_Jersey Girl]

But who am I? I am nobody, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks.

Me too. And I'm here to tell you that you can meet the goals that you expressed, sailgirl7. When would you like to begin?

Back to the body, does it not strike you as odd that your husband expects your body to do what a woman's body does...but doesn't expect it to look like it?

Think about that for a bit....

Jersey Girl,

Hi! Thanks for your response. In answer to your first question, I would like to begin right now. Of course I am somewhat limited by resources(money) and responsibilities (children) but I'm sure I can find a way to work around those things.

As far as my husbands comments on my body- yes I do find his expectations unrealistic. But perhaps I have unrealistic expectations too.

You don't need money, sailgirl7. How old are your children?

[_Dr. Shades]

He even physically would push me down, pin me down, and one time at a store, he shoved me into a display stand.

WTF??

I'm with Who Knows on this--that isn't control, that's ABUSE!

Forgive me, but you should've ran--not, walked, but RAN--as soon as he started that sort of nonsense.

Life is WAY too short to put up with abuse.

[_sailgirl7]

Sailgirl

Sorry for the late post. I very seldom go to the Off-Topic threads. I think I pushed the wrong button. Anyway I read this thread and I realize that for a long time I have felt like you have said about yourself. But I started thinking different about myself and things have changed for me. I too "think too much", I also have those inferior thoughts so therefore I don't post very often. I find myself trying to answer perfectly, so I am constantly editing and reediting my comments until the thread goes on and so far past me that my comment is no longer revelant. If I get frustrated with this then I post immediately and I limit it to a short "drive by comment" or if I post something of substance then I am critical of myself and usually wish I hadn't wrote that or I wish I had said that differently, etc. Anyway, I post infrequently because of all that. I know better about myself but I don't always face it. I find you the exact opposite of what you wrote about yourself, you are smart, intelligent and I love your posts. Plus I imagine you as sexy. A while back I was on live-chat with you, the second time ever and I have never been there since. You were great, and I was amazed at you, you talked about your kids, school and I thought man you've got a lot more energy than I have. That chat stuff was fun but I know I am old and there is a real generation gap thing there.

I will say that 5-5 and 122 is petit. I can't help to think that your intereactions with your husband have different dynamics going than this. I guess I am trying to say, sometimes we as spouses fight and argue and make comments about things that avoid the real reasons and issues. Sometimes it is easier to combat the surface items rather than deeper issues. I hope you two can work it all out. I got a kick out of all the retalitiation comments but I am not sure that you should use that approach totally but I do believe that you should stick up for your self. I guess I am talkling from experience, I left my wife and 3 kids over the church issue but it seemed that we faught about everything else not related to it to avoid dealing with it, things like weight, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, dirty clothes, etc. The root issue was first we didn't really know how to communicate and then the church stuff on top of that equaled disaster.

One last comment here, I do believe that when two people marry out of genuine love that they do cleave and become one. So when you have doubts and insecurity so does your husband. When you are in a state of confusion so is he and so on. I am sure he has a whole set of problems the same as you and in his own way having a whole lot of problems dealing with them.

I am going to close now and I am going to assume that you will not be offended if I pray for you, your husband, and your little ones.

Sincerely, Pokatator

PS I am not going reread this or I won't sent out of all the typos, errs, etc. (similie)

Dear Pokatator (love that name by the way)

I am very touched by your reply. I really am glad you wandered into the off-topic forum and decided to post. Yeah I remember you from the chat too! I thought you were very nice. I haven't been back since then either.

I totally understand what you said about trying to post perfectly and driving yourself nuts about it! We're two of kind then.

I thought your comment about how spouses fight about things and avoid the real issues was brillantly true. So I sat back and thought of how I do that to my husband. And I realized I am equally guilty of that too. I'm not sure why I do that, I guess it's somehow "easier" to nitpick the little things than it is to open up and expose your soul. I always fear that if I was the "real" me- I would get rejected. But like you said the root of the problem is what should be addressed and not the symptoms of the problem only. So true!

Your other comment really gave me pause as well. When I am having doubts and insecurity then my husband is too- man, I wish I could remember that. I guess it's so easy to get caught up in thinking about myself and my own issues- that sometimes I forget I'm not the only one suffering. Dang it- why do you have to be so sensible like that!

Thanks for your prayers- I'm not offended by you wanting to pray for us. If I ever start to get offended by things like that- then I will know I am a true cynic. Hope that never happens.

You're awesome Pokatator- Talk to ya later hopefully.

Sailgirl7

[_sailgirl7]

Holy crap! It just keeps getting worse. Are you serious? That is definitely NOT normal behavior. Combined with the emotional abuse.

If I were you, I would have RUN as fast as I could. Sounds like it's gotten better, so at least there's a silver lining.

I'd just be worried that it could strike back at any time.

Sorry to hear this, and best of luck to you.

Yes- I know it's not normal and it's not right. But since he stopped doing it- I decided to forgive him and hope it never happens again. So far, so good. Besides, I was pregnant with our first child at the time- so I was terrified of being left alone with a baby.

[_sailgirl7]

You don't need money, sailgirl7. How old are your children?

My kids are 7, 4, and 1 1/2. Whadduya mean I don't need money? Let me know what you know, sister!

[_sailgirl7]

WTF??

I'm with Who Knows on this--that isn't control, that's ABUSE!

Forgive me, but you should've ran--not, walked, but RAN--as soon as he started that sort of nonsense.

Life is WAY too short to put up with abuse.

I hear ya Dr. Shades- by the way thanks so much for your board. I love it. But let me explain that at the time that it was happening, I was so steeped in my TBMness that I didn't want to break up my precious temple marriage, and I was pregnant, so I didn't want to be a single parent. So I thought I was doing the "right" thing by sticking with my man. There were times that I threatened to leave, and he would always sob and say how sorry he was. I believed him. So I stayed. And like I said he hasn't done that for years now. But I swear to God that if he were to hurt one of my kids- I would leave. I'm strong enough now to do that.

[_Jersey Girl]

You don't need money, sailgirl7. How old are your children?

My kids are 7, 4, and 1 1/2. Whadduya mean I don't need money? Let me know what you know, sister!

Sure, but can I ask you one more question first? When you say you'd like to work in support of disadvantaged children (perhaps like you once were yourself) what do you mean? Try it this way...if you could wave a magic wand and make it happen...what exactly would you be doing to help disadvantaged children?

[_Jersey Girl]

In other words: What would you make possible for them that is not possible for them now? (In your view, of course)