Ray A wrote:KimberlyAnn wrote:I'm sorry you're dealing with a husband who feels you're tearing down his church.
Maybe sailgirl would like to answer whether she still thinks it's also her church.KimberlyAnn wrote:If I were you, I'd stop doing callings and stop going to church and let the chips fall where they may.
But you are not her. Presumably, she can think for herself.
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Hi Ray-
I'll always remember how nice you were to me over on the Fair boards a little over a year ago- when I first found them and I was not having my doubts. I posted a few things and you were always so kind in your responses. I have learned a lot in the past year- more than I can begin to say- but the bottom line is that I am hurting and I don't want to hurt others.
I don't know why I start to get so cynical and say things I don't really mean. So I apoligize to everyone for my ranting and sarcasm. I really do like all of you guys here- everyone is so different and unique- and even though I don't post a lot- I read and lurk and have grown to really appreciate everyone.
I've realized that I am so inferior in every way. I want to be intellectual but I fall way short of that. I want to be funny but I lack the talent. I want to be nice but I find myself being mean. Yet I find all those good things in people here and I guess that's why I keep coming back.
Ever since I was in second-grade I wanted to make a big impact and difference in people's lives. I have always wanted to start a nonprofit organization that helps disadvantaged children. My heartaches for the down-troddened people in the world and I am deeply saddened by the pain that people go through. But who am I? I am nobody, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who desperately wants to fit in, be "normal" and to be worthy of love.
So is the church "my" church. That's a good question. I don't think it's mine in the sense that I own it. In fact, I am a Mormon because I was born one. I come from multi-generations of Mormon heritage on my mother's side. I've got the pioneers and the polygamist as my legacy. I didn't choose Mormonism, it chose me. But on the other hand, I come from a different legacy. My grandmother is Korean and came here to marry my grandfather after the Korean war where he was a soldier. I've only met my grandmother once- because she disowned me when my parents divorced, but my heart aches to know her and to learn about her story. So I am torn because so much of my identity is from my Mormon heritage, but I know there is more to me than that alone.
And here's the thing that really made me feel so sad. I asked my husband the other day, if there was one thing he would change about me, what would it be? I was thinking he would say that I should be less sarcastic, more affectionate, more understanding of him, but he thought about it a while and said- the one thing he would change is that I should wear my garments again. I just looked at him and said that the one thing I would change about him would be that I could spend more time with him. It made me sad because I thought- am I not more than what underwear I wear? Is there more to my worth or value? But I guess the fanatism has crept in and in his eyes I am only as good as my adherence to religious rules.
The other thing that happened recently was I had a picnic for my son's 7th birthday and my TBM family was there. We had just sat down under the shade of the tree when my mother said to my son, "so you are 7 years old now, that means you will be baptized in a year." He just looked at her and smiled. I know this is a little thing, but to me- I just thought- wow- what about all the other things he has yet to accomplish this year- is none of that important? All that matters is reaching the goal posts of church membership. Everything else is not even worth a mention. I lie not- nothing else but the baptism was mentioned and then the subject changed.
So you see I am at a crossroads. I am torn. I am on the stormy seas of life. I long for the ocean and the crisp salt air. The cool breeze running through my hair. I long for it because the ocean does not judge me, the ocean does not care about my beliefs. It just is. And I just am too.