DiscussMormonism.com

Ray A wrote:

KimberlyAnn wrote:I'm sorry you're dealing with a husband who feels you're tearing down his church.

Maybe sailgirl would like to answer whether she still thinks it's also her church.

KimberlyAnn wrote:If I were you, I'd stop doing callings and stop going to church and let the chips fall where they may.

But you are not her. Presumably, she can think for herself.

.

Hi Ray-

I'll always remember how nice you were to me over on the Fair boards a little over a year ago- when I first found them and I was not having my doubts. I posted a few things and you were always so kind in your responses. I have learned a lot in the past year- more than I can begin to say- but the bottom line is that I am hurting and I don't want to hurt others.

I don't know why I start to get so cynical and say things I don't really mean. So I apoligize to everyone for my ranting and sarcasm. I really do like all of you guys here- everyone is so different and unique- and even though I don't post a lot- I read and lurk and have grown to really appreciate everyone.

I've realized that I am so inferior in every way. I want to be intellectual but I fall way short of that. I want to be funny but I lack the talent. I want to be nice but I find myself being mean. Yet I find all those good things in people here and I guess that's why I keep coming back.

Ever since I was in second-grade I wanted to make a big impact and difference in people's lives. I have always wanted to start a nonprofit organization that helps disadvantaged children. My heartaches for the down-troddened people in the world and I am deeply saddened by the pain that people go through. But who am I? I am nobody, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who desperately wants to fit in, be "normal" and to be worthy of love.

So is the church "my" church. That's a good question. I don't think it's mine in the sense that I own it. In fact, I am a Mormon because I was born one. I come from multi-generations of Mormon heritage on my mother's side. I've got the pioneers and the polygamist as my legacy. I didn't choose Mormonism, it chose me. But on the other hand, I come from a different legacy. My grandmother is Korean and came here to marry my grandfather after the Korean war where he was a soldier. I've only met my grandmother once- because she disowned me when my parents divorced, but my heart aches to know her and to learn about her story. So I am torn because so much of my identity is from my Mormon heritage, but I know there is more to me than that alone.

And here's the thing that really made me feel so sad. I asked my husband the other day, if there was one thing he would change about me, what would it be? I was thinking he would say that I should be less sarcastic, more affectionate, more understanding of him, but he thought about it a while and said- the one thing he would change is that I should wear my garments again. I just looked at him and said that the one thing I would change about him would be that I could spend more time with him. It made me sad because I thought- am I not more than what underwear I wear? Is there more to my worth or value? But I guess the fanatism has crept in and in his eyes I am only as good as my adherence to religious rules.

The other thing that happened recently was I had a picnic for my son's 7th birthday and my TBM family was there. We had just sat down under the shade of the tree when my mother said to my son, "so you are 7 years old now, that means you will be baptized in a year." He just looked at her and smiled. I know this is a little thing, but to me- I just thought- wow- what about all the other things he has yet to accomplish this year- is none of that important? All that matters is reaching the goal posts of church membership. Everything else is not even worth a mention. I lie not- nothing else but the baptism was mentioned and then the subject changed.

So you see I am at a crossroads. I am torn. I am on the stormy seas of life. I long for the ocean and the crisp salt air. The cool breeze running through my hair. I long for it because the ocean does not judge me, the ocean does not care about my beliefs. It just is. And I just am too.

sailgirl7 wrote:So you see I am at a crossroads. I am torn. I am on the stormy seas of life. I long for the ocean and the crisp salt air. The cool breeze running through my hair. I long for it because the ocean does not judge me, the ocean does not care about my beliefs. It just is. And I just am too.

Sailgirl,

Thanks for your very honest reply. Unfortunately I'm off to work soon and cannot reply at length. There's nothing wrong with being torn, having doubts, nor being at the crossroads. That's life, and not only for Church members. Ultimately, you are the "captain of your soul", and you must chart your own course. I have carefully read your posts, and noticed a change, but wasn't sure if it was change until your post above, so again thanks for your honesty. I can see you're facing some strong personal challenges, and in that I would only like to support you - not try to decide anything for you. You've read these boards for a long time, so I believe that ultimately you can make your own decisions about where you want to go, and if it is to leave the Church altogether, I only hope you can do so without lowering to the bitterness and anger that so frequently affects exmos.

Sailgirl7, your reply is heart wrenching. It's past midnight here, and I've got to wake up early in the morning, so I'd better go to sleep. I look forward to responding further to your reply in the morning.

KA

PS - Your post is intelligent and you're undoubtedly witty. I noticed your sharp wit on the "Reese's" threads. Be good to yourself.

Sailgirl,

check out a thread I just started in the Celestial about thinking too much. I'm betting we have alot in common on that personality trait.

PS: I swore a curse on your knucklehead husband over that "you need to wear your garments" comment. That pissed me off.

sailgirl, your post was quite beautiful. It was heartfelt and extremely eloquent. I find it so odd that you think you lack in humor and smarts, as someone that has only watched you post a few times I see you just the opposite.

You mentioned that a life goal would be to help others... I found when my life was troubled the greatest comfort and relief was when I did help others. I volunteer at a women's shelter and I meet many great women and children there. I gain so much from their wisdom and their trials. Perhaps you could find somewhere that you are needed.

I hope people here treat you with the kindness and tenderness that you deserve.

sailgirl, your post was very compelling.

When you write,

I've realized that I am so inferior in every way

it makes me sad---you shouldn't feel this way at all.

you also wrote:

I want to be intellectual but I fall way short of that. I want to be funny but I lack the talent. I want to be nice but I find myself being mean. Yet I find all those good things in people here and I guess that's why I keep coming back.

Ever since I was in second-grade I wanted to make a big impact and difference in people's lives. I have always wanted to start a nonprofit organization that helps disadvantaged children. My heartaches for the down-troddened people in the world and I am deeply saddened by the pain that people go through. But who am I? I am nobody, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who desperately wants to fit in, be "normal" and to be worthy of love.

Sweetie, there's no need for you to feel that any of this is out of your reach. Learning is life-long. Finding satisfying work---labor which nourishes one's needs and creativity---is hard under current economic and social conditions, but it can be found. That you can think and write such things as:

So you see I am at a crossroads. I am torn. I am on the stormy seas of life. I long for the ocean and the crisp salt air. The cool breeze running through my hair. I long for it because the ocean does not judge me, the ocean does not care about my beliefs. It just is. And I just am too.

demonstrates that you've got more "talent" than you're giving yourself credit for.

Sailgirl, I understand how you feel.

It's clear you're intelligent so please don't think you're not. I think you're just unsettled right now and I've certainly felt that way before, especially when I was on my way out of Mormonism. I was fearful my husband would leave me if I stopped going to church, but attending church and watching my children being taught things that had become so hurtful to me was more than I could take. I had no choice but to tell my husband I was leaving the church and if he left me because of it, then so be it. I'm not saying that's necessarily what you should do, but it is necessary to quiet the conflict raging inside you when it's tearing you apart, so however you can do that for yourself, you need to do it.

I think too much, too, though I'm not certain my thoughts are exactly high quality, lol! Things just run through my head and I can't get them to stop until I come to some sort of resolution, so I tend to act decisively. It's necessary for my sanity.

Your husband is only doing what he's been taught to do: base his opinion of you on your faithfulness to Mormonism. Hopefully he will see by your goodness that you don't need to wear garments to be lovable.

KA

I will add myself to the list of people who really enjoyed your post, sailgirl. You should give yourself more credit; the writing in your post completely drew me in.

I find myself at a crossroads too, but I'm likely not handling it as well as it sounds like you are. Take care of yourself.

Sailgirl,

I sent you a PM, but I will also state publicly here that you are VERY talented, and VERY intelligent, and you have NOTHING to put yourself down about!

We had spoken a while back about some college online programs you might be interested in.

It is NEVER too late to get your education or pursue your goals....and you're YOUNG! Your kids are young! You have PLENTY of TIME!

I also echo Blixa's comments. You are a very talented writer. And the fact that you want to help people is noble. You can achieve that goal.

PM or email me if you need to talk.

Liz

sailgirl7 wrote:I've realized that I am so inferior in every way. I want to be intellectual but I fall way short of that. I want to be funny but I lack the talent. I want to be nice but I find myself being mean. Yet I find all those good things in people here and I guess that's why I keep coming back.

Wow. This made me tear up. And I'm a grown, bearded (kind of), action-film watching, steak-eating male - damn it!
Sailgirl, I don't know you from Eve. (Whoever that is). But I need to see nothing other than your last post to know that you are none of the above.

EDIT: Ehem - it occours to me I should have said 'All of the above'! :D