Dr. Shades wrote:Oh man, GIMR, I just don't know what to say. Right now I'm more worried about you than about your friends, truth be told.
I sure hope that this is something you can eventually heal from or, barring that, learn to squelch the symptoms.
Just guessing, but perhaps your friends are simply used to your being ill and don't know if/how/whether this is any worse than what you've already been going through for some time now?
Shades, thanks for caring. That means so much to me, I tell you, this past week was hell, and things like that matter so much. Maybe my friends don't know that it's any worse, but when I tell you that it wasn't one stroke it was multiple, and that I'm in danger of more, and ultimately one big one....isn't that a clue to wake up?
Part of me wants to take them aside and ask them how I've failed them, that they could fail me now. I've never been the social butterfly, but I've listened to these people, prayed with them, been there for them...one in particular, I used to take out to dinner with my pin money (we were teenagers) just to listen to her boyfriend problems, and they're not there for me right now. And what's keeping them away are pleasant romantic relationships (one friend is newly married), high paying jobs, travel...I know these things because when I call, I ask how they're doing. THAT'S what bothers me. If you were struggling, I'd understand. But you're skiing or something like that!
How many times have I called and the phone just gone to voicemail? You can't be in a business meeting all the time....
WTF? Has my judgment been that clouded, that almost everyone in my life has to be swept away? I don't have the strength to start over in the relationship department...not as far as friends are concerned.
On the whole, I still feel kept like I stated months ago. I didn't go hungry, I always managed to pay the essential bills and get the essential meds. I have a great job now, and can actually see a doctor. My parents have made it so that I have a roof over my head even if I have to go on disability or work part-time. In those areas I'm set. But I feel so lonely.
I struggle with wondering if it would be wrong to confront my friends (gently) and ask them if they could be there for me more. But then I wonder if that would be selfish of me. Then I wonder why bother, and if I really do need to just clear out my contacts and start over...now of all times. When it rains it hails.
The pain was so bad last week I was on the verge of being suicidal. I just couldn't handle it. What a difference one hug would have made. I called and called...and everyone was too busy living their lives. But let me have said it was cancer, the whole situation would be different, I guess. At least that's what the lady on the support hotline said. When folks hear cancer, they think death. Well my friend with cancer is in remission and on vacation. When people hear stroke, they usually think of old people, so I guess hearing it from me just doesn't register with them.
I don't know. I just wish I could know if I had done something wrong. If I had played Steve Urkel too many times, and now they just didn't want to deal with me.
