Has anyone...

[_Mercury]

...seen wades meds? im gonna steal some of his pills while hes not here and take a breather from the kingdoms and hang out here in the desolate space outside the Garden and Kolob.

Its been hell this past ...crap, month and a half, and I'm just about at my limit of manic episodes.

Pull up a chair y'all. its time for Merc to decompress.

[_Moniker]

So, what's up, Mercury?

[_Mercury]

So, what's up, Mercury?

Nothing much. Its been stressful since mid January. I've basically been working two weeks and then hopping on a plane for a week and then staying in Olive Branch a few nights and then heading back to the Memphis airport to do it all again, repeat ad nauseum. My line of work is interesting and I get to do some fun things. It gets tedious at times but its really quite rewarding.

Pressure at work to undergo technical testing for certifications is highly competitive sport. Its getting pretty nervous at work with Private equity bearing down on us and management pretty hard. we've been put under a microscope.

The kids are doing well, although i think my oldest daughter is not getting enough social exposure. I'm a worried father who never had daughters nor younger siblings. Fatherhood is not easy.

Life carries on. we are finally building equity and doing wonders with the house, fixing it up, etc.

It seems as if we wanted to be where we are now 5 years ago when Nancy and I got together.

I've been in a Smashing Pumkins kind of mood.

Link to oversided image

[_Moniker]

So, what's up, Mercury?

Nothing much. Its been stressful since mid January. I've basically been working two weeks and then hopping on a plane for a week and then staying in Olive Branch a few nights and then heading back to the Memphis airport to do it all again, repeat ad nauseum. My line of work is interesting and I get to do some fun things. It gets tedious at times but its really quite rewarding.

I haven't been to Olive Branch in a long time. It's a nice place to raise a family -- are you and your wife enjoying it? Culture shock?

I knew you traveled a lot, I imagine that is stressful. Noticed you weren't posting as much and figured you were super busy.

Pressure at work to undergo technical testing for certifications is highly competitive sport. Its getting pretty nervous at work with Private equity bearing down on us and management pretty hard. we've been put under a microscope.

That sounds miserable... any idea when that's going to let up? Or is this just going to continue?

The kids are doing well, although I think my oldest daughter is not getting enough social exposure. I'm a worried father who never had daughters nor younger siblings. Fatherhood is not easy.

How old is your oldest? Your youngest is just about 9 months now? You're still a relatively young man, I imagine it's difficult juggling your work demands, being a husband and a father. What kind of social exposure is lacking in your oldest daughter's life, do you think? How's your wife doing?

Life carries on. we are finally building equity and doing wonders with the house, fixing it up, etc.

Well, that's good news about the equity! What sort of fixes are being done to the house?

It seems as if we wanted to be where we are now 5 years ago when Nancy and I got together.

That's excellent news, Mercury. I mean, you two are still so young and that you're accomplishing your goals as an individual and as a family is very rewarding, I imagine. :)

[_Moniker]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMwZbcSdzc

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son for you
And I still believe that I cannot be saved

[_Mercury]

I remember listening to this song over and over during my emo phase as a kid

"In The Arms Of Sleep"

Sleep will not come to this tired body now
Peace will not come to this lonely heart
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
I need you tonite
I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
Cause I'll always miss her wherever she goes
And I'll always need her more than she could ever need me
I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes a someone is so hard to find
And I'll do anything to keep her here tonite
And I'll say anything to make her feel alright
And I'll be anything to keep her here tonite
Cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite
She comes to me like an angel out of time
As I play the part of a saint on my knees
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire for you

[_Moniker]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFLnOJcG ... re=related

ignore vid, picked for good sound quality

[_Imwashingmypirate]

Hey, merc. Do you have anxiety? I imagine it is all very tough for you. I wish I had a dad that didn't think I was getting enough social exposure. I think he thought we weren't getting enough isolation.

I am sure your daughter will work things out for herself. Some things you can't have control of and as much as we really do want to be able to control such things, it seems best at times to just accept that we can't do much about it. Like how I feel sometimes. I get myself in a right state and my heart races. Half the time I don't even know why. It is something I am trying to learn to deal with. I thought isolating myself would help, but I was only taking myself back to a point in my life where madness was normal and I ignored my problems and lived in my own wrapped up world which seems so much better than the real world, but when I was there (and in some ways I still am), I wanted so much to feel real. I feel a little more real, but boy it is hard.

Over the last few weeks, I have come to realise that there are things in my life I can never change, the only way I can move on is to accept them for what they were and let them go, as much as I wish I could erase them. That my life can be what I make it. I know tough things will come along and they do, but I am learning to accept them and to rationalise what they best way to go about them would be.

Yesterday, I had a thought run through my head, if you know anything about me, you will know people think I am mad. Often I cannot control my behaviour and do crazy things. In my lecture on Friday, I was running along all the long tables in the lecture theartre and going up onto the next table when I got to the end. I very stupidly forgot the projector hanging from the ceiling and ran right into it. I banged my head. The Maths lecture before a few days before that, I started a water fight. I can't control it and it takes literally biting my toung and more to stop my self doing things and when I am gone, I am gone. There is no stopping me. The horrible thing about this is that I don't know what I am doing. Afterwards when I come back down from my high, I sink so low that I just cry and I think how what I was doing is so very wrong. But when I cry, it is usually my past that takes over my thoughts. The thought I had yesterday was "I'm NORMAL, it is the ID in me that wants to come out." I wrote it down. Usually when I go into this hyper mode thingy, my iris's dilate. This scares me because that would happen to my dad when he was really angry and being schitzo. I thought that it was too much adrenalin and that would also explain the hyperventilations.

This upsets me and I want to change it so so much, but I am finding it so very hard. I guess accepting it would be the easy way out. I guess it depends on the situation.

I hope things work out for you and your family and that maybe something I have said will help. Apologies for the tangent.

Pirate.

[_Mercury]

Hey, merc. Do you have anxiety? I imagine it is all very tough for you. I wish I had a dad that didn't think I was getting enough social exposure. I think he thought we weren't getting enough isolation.

I am sure your daughter will work things out for herself. Some things you can't have control of and as much as we really do want to be able to control such things, it seems best at times to just accept that we can't do much about it. Like how I feel sometimes. I get myself in a right state and my heart races. Half the time I don't even know why. It is something I am trying to learn to deal with. I thought isolating myself would help, but I was only taking myself back to a point in my life where madness was normal and I ignored my problems and lived in my own wrapped up world which seems so much better than the real world, but when I was there (and in some ways I still am), I wanted so much to feel real. I feel a little more real, but boy it is hard.

Over the last few weeks, I have come to realise that there are things in my life I can never change, the only way I can move on is to accept them for what they were and let them go, as much as I wish I could erase them. That my life can be what I make it. I know tough things will come along and they do, but I am learning to accept them and to rationalise what they best way to go about them would be.

Yesterday, I had a thought run through my head, if you know anything about me, you will know people think I am mad. Often I cannot control my behaviour and do crazy things. In my lecture on Friday, I was running along all the long tables in the lecture theartre and going up onto the next table when I got to the end. I very stupidly forgot the projector hanging from the ceiling and ran right into it. I banged my head. The Maths lecture before a few days before that, I started a water fight. I can't control it and it takes literally biting my toung and more to stop my self doing things and when I am gone, I am gone. There is no stopping me. The horrible thing about this is that I don't know what I am doing. Afterwards when I come back down from my high, I sink so low that I just cry and I think how what I was doing is so very wrong. But when I cry, it is usually my past that takes over my thoughts. The thought I had yesterday was "I'm NORMAL, it is the ID in me that wants to come out." I wrote it down. Usually when I go into this hyper mode thingy, my iris's dilate. This scares me because that would happen to my dad when he was really angry and being schitzo. I thought that it was too much adrenalin and that would also explain the hyperventilations.

This upsets me and I want to change it so so much, but I am finding it so very hard. I guess accepting it would be the easy way out. I guess it depends on the situation.

I hope things work out for you and your family and that maybe something I have said will help. Apologies for the tangent.

Pirate.

Our fathers were very similar. My stepmother was cold, distant and physically and emotionally abusive. Combined with my fathers "love comes with a price" model and a dose of physical abuse and emotional manipulation I think I turned out relatively unscathed. Its my brother that I worry about. Button down oxford psycho case waiting to happen.

The heightened heartbeat, nervous ticks and general lack of social skills kept me so buried in the guilt and false hope embedded in my culture. Theres alot more to it than cultural matters though. My living situation changed six times throughout my first 16 years. I've been playing the sad game of seeking out a father figure since I was 5.

My mother archetype is a bit more messed up. I am left with no identity other than the one I have produced via a patchwork of observations throughout my life. I often ask myself who I am, really. I usually get an answer but sometimes i am left without an answer in matters of complexity and conflict.

Recognizing panic attacks helped me in my career and life. The ADD tendency has been conquered...mostly. I accept what is given and go from there in life, relying on what I see, touch, taste and sense about the world around me. Medication can do wonders but it takes time for it to kick in so I make sure that if I am in need of it I talk to my physician and stick with the dosage.

I remember I would get panic attacks and I would disconnect from reality completely. The world was dead as my body flooded with adrenaline and fear. I couldn't take it any more so I quit a job I had been at for 3 years and started working the night shift at a NOC in an old military bunker in Las Vegas.

[_Imwashingmypirate]

Our fathers were very similar. My stepmother was cold, distant and physically and emotionally abusive. Combined with my fathers "love comes with a price" model and a dose of physical abuse and emotional manipulation I think I turned out relatively unscathed. Its my brother that I worry about. Button down oxford psycho case waiting to happen.

The heightened heartbeat, nervous ticks and general lack of social skills kept me so buried in the guilt and false hope embedded in my culture. Theres alot more to it than cultural matters though. My living situation changed six times throughout my first 16 years. I've been playing the sad game of seeking out a father figure since I was 5.

My mother archetype is a bit more messed up. I am left with no identity other than the one I have produced via a patchwork of observations throughout my life. I often ask myself who I am, really. I usually get an answer but sometimes I am left without an answer in matters of complexity and conflict.

Recognizing panic attacks helped me in my career and life. The ADD tendency has been conquered...mostly. I accept what is given and go from there in life, relying on what I see, touch, taste and sense about the world around me. Medication can do wonders but it takes time for it to kick in so I make sure that if I am in need of it I talk to my physician and stick with the dosage.

I remember I would get panic attacks and I would disconnect from reality completely. The world was dead as my body flooded with adrenaline and fear. I couldn't take it any more so I quit a job I had been at for 3 years and started working the night shift at a NOC in an old military bunker in Las Vegas.

I was very fortunate to have a great mum. The most memorable times we had with my mum was when my dad had gone out. Whenever we got a chance and my mum wasn't catching up on sleep (my dad wouldn't let her sleep when he was in except when she worked nightshift, this was near the end though because my mum was haemoragging 8 months straight and losing lots of blood.) We would all sit around the fire and have long discussions until my dad came back. We would talk about everything from stupid silly thinks like throwing and invisible bomb around and being so incredibly dramatic about it through to debates on philosophy, religion and politics. It was funny because as soon as we heard my dad coming we would all move away from the fire and become very silent. Neer the end we planned our escape. We all wanted to leave and planned to leave at the end of summer 2004. We never made it that far and left at the start of summer.

I'm not going to say much more on this, I hope you get things sorted. That you will be able to chill on planet Earth and not near Kolob.

Pirate.