Scat Hunt and Unmedicated: The Documentary

[Guest]

As my girls and I and my nephew, Jacob, loaded into the minivan this afternoon for a quick drive to the park, I noticed Madeline had a large plastic bag, and inside it was a roll of paper towels, a handful of Ziplock baggies, and one of my better spoons.

"Whatcha taking that stuff for, Maddie?"

"When we get to the park, I'm taking the nature trail and going on a scat hunt!"

"Oh. Sounds cool."

Maddie is the kid who stored dissected rat parts under her bed for further inspection and forgot about them. She loves science and animals and Egypt. Oh, and space and conspiracy theories. That's my Maddie.

We arrived at the park and Madeline took her hunting gear and went on her way. The little kids and their twelve year old cousin, Jacob, played on the really cool playground equipment and Courtney, my ninth grader, lied on the ground having a Drama Queen moment. "I'm so BORED! I hate this park. There is NOTHING to do in this town! If we lived in New York City, there would always be something to do. Can't we move there, Mom? PLEASE?"

Now, Jacob is hyperactive. Real Hyperactive. And, he's obsessed with poop. Farts. Doo-doo. Crap. Turds. I have no sons, so I'm not sure how normal it is for a seventh grade boy to talk non-stop about fecal matter, but this boy is just gross. Love him, but he's icky. And, as I mentioned, hyper. He was irritating every little kid on the playground. He was irritating me.

I noticed Courtney had gotten up from her grassy bed of lament and was following Jacob around with her hand cupped in a "C" shape near her eye.

"What are you doing, Court?"

"I'm making an imaginary film. I'm calling it 'Unmedicated: A Documentary' --I think I can get funding from Seroquel. Sorry, Tom Cruise."

At least she was keeping track of Jacob.

Madeline returned with a few baggies full of scat. She was so proud of it. I sat down with her on a big rock while she identified it for me.

"This is squirrel scat."

"Looks like some kind of berry, doesn't it?"

"No, it's squirrel scat."

"Cool!"

Jacob wandered over and said, "I smelled a squirrel fart. That one over there keeps rippin' 'em."

Maddie ignored him and carried on. "This is raccoon scat."

"I sure you are right about the squirrel scat, but I think you've got dog poop in that baggy Madeline."

"It's definitely raccoon scat, MOM. I found it by that tree way over there."

By the tree where only raccoons go potty, I guess. The official park Raccoon Restroom where no dog would dare deposit doo doo.

"Well, if you think so. Now, what do you plan to do with the scat now? I really don't want it in the car, Sis."

"MOM! Why not?! I won't forget it in there, I promise!"

"Throw it away before we leave. Sorry, but no scat in the van."

Finally it was time to go. Thank goodness. We all climbed in the van. Jacob immediately said it smelled like poop.

"Good grief, Jacob, stop it with the potty talk! I'm really sick of it!"

But Chloe said, "Mom, it really does smell like poop back here!"

Immediately I knew the culprit. "Madeline, did you bring the scat into the van!?"

She said not a word, but opened the sliding door and deposited her scat bags into the nearest trash can.

I'm not sure how much more Fall Break I can handle.

Kimberly Ann

[_Dr. Shades]

The moral of the story: Never take kids to the park.

(Great story, KA; keep 'em comin'!)

[_skippy the dead]

So, what are you going to do with the spoon?

(Awesome story, by the way!)

[_Jersey Girl]

KA,

That was the funniest darn story I've read in a long time! I loved how you emphasized your kids words...I can almost hear them talking! Are you putting these on your blog?

They're priceless!
:-)

[_KimberlyAnn]

Thanks, y'all. I'm glad you liked the story. I'm not sure if everyone's kids are as weird as mine, but I do enjoy my weirdos very much.

Skippy, I coaxed Madeline into leaving the spoon in the van and using paper towels to collect the scat. I made her wash her hands after she finished hunting. Maddie actually protested, saying she didn't get anything on her hands! Kids are so gross sometimes.

Kimberly

[_Jersey Girl]

KA,

I love weird kid stories! I hear/observe them almost every day of my life and wish I had spent time over the years to write them all down.

Too fun!

[_silentkid]

Now, Jacob is hyperactive. Real Hyperactive. And, he's obsessed with poop. Farts. Doo-doo. Crap. Turds. I have no sons, so I'm not sure how normal it is for a seventh grade boy to talk non-stop about fecal matter...

I'm 32 and I'm still obsessed with poop and farts and stuff. Some boys never grow out of this phase, they just mask it for a while during the dating process and then it shows up again after marriage. ;)

I think I can get funding from Seroquel. Sorry, Tom Cruise."

LOL. How does she know about Seroquel? I hadn't heard of that medication until it was prescribed to me a few years ago. I think I still have a few in the medicine cabinet. That's some potent stuff.

Anyways, great story. It made me laugh and it's a nice break from all the political threads of late.

[_Gazelam]

I hate little kids that obsess over nastiness. I say you feed that kid some of your daughters "berries".

Great story Kim.

[_asbestosman]

I'm 32 and I'm still obsessed with poop and farts and stuff. Some boys never grow out of this phase, they just mask it for a while during the dating process and then it shows up again after marriage. ;)

Quite true--just ask my wife.