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How about a thread for Mormon jokes? I heard a good one the other day...

"What do the Mormon girls do when someone brings drugs and alcohol to the party?"

"Put their clothes back on and leave."


(Shades disabled smilies again? What a Nazi!)

God tells the Pope that he has good news and bad news? "what's the good news?", asks the Pope. "Jesus is coming back today", answers God. "What's the bad news?" "He's coming back to Missouri."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two LDS men and a LDS woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Bridget wrote:The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

This was awesome! LOL I had to keep from laughing out loud in class when I read this.

(Yes, I'm a horrible example. I'm surfing the Internet while my students are taking a test.)

A man died and was spirited to Heaven, where he met St. Peter at the gate.

"Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around." They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."


They walked a little further and saw some people taking holy communion "Over here are the Catholics".

They walked by several more groups of followers openly worshiping in their own ways.

Then Peter said "shhh, be very quiet now" as they walked past a long, tall brick wall. On the other side they could hear shouting and singing - what sounded like a big party going on.

The man asked who was behind the wall. Peter said "Oh, those are the Mormons...they think they're the only ones here!"

richardMdBorn wrote:God tells the Pope that he has good news and bad news? "what's the good news?", asks the Pope. "Jesus is coming back today", answers God. "What's the bad news?" "He's coming back to Missouri."

Here's how I heard it:

"The good news: Christ has returned to Earth, and He's on the phone for you.

The bad news? He's calling from Salt Lake City."

A priest, a rabbi and a Mormon bishop are in a boat fishing together. After a while, the priest says "I'm hungry; I'm going to get one of those sandwiches on the shore." So he gets up, steps out of the boat, and walks to the shore, barely getting the bottom of his shoes wet; grabs a sandwich, walks back and climbs into the boat. The Mormon bishop can hardly believe his eyes (the rabbi seems unimpressed). A little while later, the rabbi says, "you know, a sandwich sounds pretty good," so he gets up, gets out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore; grabs a sandwich and walks back to the boat and climbs back in.

The Mormon bishop is incredulous. He says "I've got to try this" and so he gets up, takes a step out of the boat and sinks up to his neck into the water. The priest and rabbi pull him back in, and the Mormon bishop is muttering to himself. Ten minutes later, the Mormon bishop, with even more determination, says "I think I can do it now." He gets up, stands on the edge of the boat and takes a step again into the water, sinking underwater.

The rabbi leans over to the priest and says "do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"
( Stolen from here. )

An LDS 80-year-old man goes in for an interview with his Bishop. During the interview the Bishop asks, "Bert, how is your relationship with God?"

Bert replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *POOF*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *POOF*, the light goes off.

"Wow, that's incredible," the Bishop says.

A little later in the day, the Bishop calls Bert's wife. "Ethal," he says, "Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. It is true that he gets up druing the night and *POOF*, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *POOF*, the light goes off?"

"Oh, please no!" Ethal exclaims. "He's been pissing in the fridge again."

A Bishopric decides to go fishing on Saturday and the three men get in the Bishop's boat and head out. In the middle of the lake the engine dies. It grows cold and a fog moves in while they waited for help.

The Second Counselor opened up a thermos and started drinking some coffee. The other two were incredulous but he said, "Everyone has their vice, and this is mine. I always drink coffee when I get this cold."

An hour later, the First Counselor pulls a packet of cigarettes out and lights one up. When the other two question him, he responds, "As he said, everyone has their vice and this is mine. I like the occasional cigarette."

An hour later, the two Counselors looked at the Bishop and finally asked, "C'mon Bishop, we've shared our vice with you. It's only fair that you now share yours with us."

They pressed him and he demurred but with time they wore him down and he confessed, "Okay, you're right. Everyone has their vice and I have mine. I love to gossip and I can't wait until we get back to shore."