Re: Do We Really Have It Right?
Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2021 1:33 pm
Ceebs, there is a lot to chew on there and I'll try to revisit it all as time allows but something did stick out to me that I want to address.
You aren't a sexist but you occasionally, I'm sure generally unintentionally, say or do things that are sexist.
Now lest you think I'm pointing fingers, we can all be guilty of this (this applies to all bigotry for that matter, but let's stick to one thing at a time). Because of all that context and nuance we've been discussing for 10 pages you will inevitably say or do something that reads as sexist to posters here.
In my observation when we begin to shift from the land of "making sexist comments occasionally" to "sexist" in the eyes of others is mostly in how we respond to the criticism. Do we apologize, attempt to clarify, adjust our actions? Or do we dig in deeper and fail to adjust?
I'll provide a personal example that I hope clarifies my position and might help highlight that I'm not attempting to attack or accuse you here but rather foster a meaningful discussion on the topic.
Growing up it was very common to use phrases like "great work guys" or refer to a group of friends, regardless of gender mix, as "dudes". As I've gotten older I've both realized and had it highlighted to me that language like that can be seen as exclusionary. That it can make people that don't feel like they fall into the categorization of "guys" like they don't belong or the contributions weren't valued. My reaction has been an attempt to change the language I use (although I still fall short). Had I learned how my language effected others and decided to keep trucking along in my old ways I think it would have been fair for those who feel excluded to move me from the "human who occasionally does a sexist thing" to "sexist" especially if there was any other negative behavior that I might not be consciously aware of.
Another personal example that I struggle with even today. My brain has a hard time viewing posters in gender neutral terms. I caught myself as recently as yesterday defaulting to the position that a poster was male when I didn't actually know. This one is a subtle one but I have no doubt that at times I've probably come across as misogynistic because of this default my brain slides into (if I've done it to any of the posters here, sincerely I apologize and please know I'm trying to be better).
And all that previous gibberish to say, black and white thinking is the enemy. We are all capable of great and terrible things, often without always intending them, but almost never just one or the other. Now does this mean that everyone else couldn't just cut everyone slack and not call out behavior that feels/is exclusionary to them... sure. But as I've said a few times in this thread alone, at the end of the day I can control only my own actions and my reactions to other. I have to make sure I'm listening to the feedback and taking a hard look at my actions if I'm to have any hope of being a decent human.
apologies for any terrible proofing here, I find it nearly impossible to post from my phone but I couldn't let these thoughts sit
Might I propose what I see as not only a third option but what is, in my opinion, THE option for most of us:
You aren't a sexist but you occasionally, I'm sure generally unintentionally, say or do things that are sexist.
Now lest you think I'm pointing fingers, we can all be guilty of this (this applies to all bigotry for that matter, but let's stick to one thing at a time). Because of all that context and nuance we've been discussing for 10 pages you will inevitably say or do something that reads as sexist to posters here.
In my observation when we begin to shift from the land of "making sexist comments occasionally" to "sexist" in the eyes of others is mostly in how we respond to the criticism. Do we apologize, attempt to clarify, adjust our actions? Or do we dig in deeper and fail to adjust?
I'll provide a personal example that I hope clarifies my position and might help highlight that I'm not attempting to attack or accuse you here but rather foster a meaningful discussion on the topic.
Growing up it was very common to use phrases like "great work guys" or refer to a group of friends, regardless of gender mix, as "dudes". As I've gotten older I've both realized and had it highlighted to me that language like that can be seen as exclusionary. That it can make people that don't feel like they fall into the categorization of "guys" like they don't belong or the contributions weren't valued. My reaction has been an attempt to change the language I use (although I still fall short). Had I learned how my language effected others and decided to keep trucking along in my old ways I think it would have been fair for those who feel excluded to move me from the "human who occasionally does a sexist thing" to "sexist" especially if there was any other negative behavior that I might not be consciously aware of.
Another personal example that I struggle with even today. My brain has a hard time viewing posters in gender neutral terms. I caught myself as recently as yesterday defaulting to the position that a poster was male when I didn't actually know. This one is a subtle one but I have no doubt that at times I've probably come across as misogynistic because of this default my brain slides into (if I've done it to any of the posters here, sincerely I apologize and please know I'm trying to be better).
And all that previous gibberish to say, black and white thinking is the enemy. We are all capable of great and terrible things, often without always intending them, but almost never just one or the other. Now does this mean that everyone else couldn't just cut everyone slack and not call out behavior that feels/is exclusionary to them... sure. But as I've said a few times in this thread alone, at the end of the day I can control only my own actions and my reactions to other. I have to make sure I'm listening to the feedback and taking a hard look at my actions if I'm to have any hope of being a decent human.
apologies for any terrible proofing here, I find it nearly impossible to post from my phone but I couldn't let these thoughts sit