The prison of Anti-Depressants

[_MeDotOrg]

Several years ago I lived in an apartment building where a schizophrenic lived on the top floor. He decided to stop taking his medication. He started hearing voices, so he would put on music so loud it was literally echoing off the buildings up and down the street. The first time it happened it was 4:00 am, and the music was so loud I thought my clock radio had a malfunction.

Neighbors called the police, and for about 2 weeks the police would regularly trudge up the stairs of the building each time the poor man's demons got so loud he had to drown them out. He eventually was evicted.

From what I understand, the side effects of anti-psychotic can turn your consciousness into a grey landscape, an emotionally overcast world where it never rains or shines. Many schizophrenics who live their lives inside that monotonous desert want to feel the sun and wind and rain on their face. They stop taking their medication so they can FEEL. The consequences can be negative (like waking your neighbors up at 4am), but in order to survive as a schizophrenic you have to beat up your own consciousness with a chemical billy club every day. Sometimes you want to experience your true self without a chemical haze.

To a lesser extent this happens with anti-depressants as well. I have moderate to severe depression, and have been taking the anti-depressant Celexa (In a fairly high dose) for over a decade. Two weeks ago I decided to wean myself off Celexa and see what the world felt like without that chemical haze.

The world feels much different. I experience what psychiatrists call emotional lability: Extreme mood swings, brain shivers and obsessive thinking are MUCH WORSE than before I started taking anti-depressants. I find myself feeling enraged most of the time, but with a deep pool of sadness underneath. Yesterday I was walking through a park when a girl of about 7 was having a problem opening the heavy lid of a trashcan. As I walked by, she said "Mister can you help me?" I lifted the lid of the trashcan and she put it her trash, said "Thanks!" and ran off. I found the experience of helping the girl so emotionally overwhelming that tears flooded my eyes.

I realize that a lot of my reaction probably has to do with not being entirely weaned yet, but I found this very disturbing, because disturbing things seem to disturb me more!

It feels like whatever emotional muscles I used to possess for dealing with extreme emotions have atrophied during my time on anti-depressants. It certainly feels like living life for years on anti-depressants has robbed me of the coping mechanisms I used to posses.

I may very well go back on anti-depressants in a few weeks if I don't start feeling better, but this has been a very sobering experience.

By the way, I'm not suicidal nor homicidal right now. Part of me recognizes that what I am experiencing is not a part of my usual consciousness. So this post isn't a cry for help, more an observation about what we may be trading in when we take anti-depressants.

[_Doctor Steuss]

I am so sorry you're having to go through that right now. Hopefully whatever the outcome (successful weaning, or going back on meds) is positive, healthy, and emotionally fulfilling.

Back around 2003-2005, I was prescribed Geodon. Much of those years are a daze, with whole months of memories missing.

One of my siblings is a psychologist, and had an "old-school" professor who began practicing psychiatry during a time when it wasn't uncommon for psychiatrists to try the medications themselves. From his experience taking Geodon, he will only prescribe it as a last resort.

An artist did some self-portraits a while back, while taking various drugs. One of those drugs happened to be Geodon (link to picture below).

http://www.hellawella.com/sites/hellawe ... Geodon.jpg

Sometimes it's really difficult weighing the costs of the disease against the costs of the cure. Hang in there.

[_Jersey Girl]

Hello Me,

I don't think I'll find the right words for this but God knows I'm going to try. You couldn't know how much it means to me to read a post like yours. I thank you from the depths of my soul for sharing your experience. The public needs to hear more about mental illness from people who have or are experiencing it. What it is like to engage medications and/or go off them.

My own stint with depression lasted just about 18 months and my experience with meds just one month. Amateurish by your standards. I stopped taking the med when I started to sleep and feel better, not knowing I was supposed to titrate off it. Got a good talking to by the psych, believe me!

I am someone who watches over someone who has been medicated for almost 15 years of their life. I have seen them through medication shifts, times when they had to go off meds (no picnic!!!), times when they were titrating up/down, eliminating medications, various hospitalizations, and I can just tell you, this isn't for the faint of heart.

You are a warrior.

If I am not mistaken, titrating off Celexa is one bitch of a roller coaster ride. I just want you to know how proud I feel for you to try to experience life without medication and see how it feels to you because you are brave to even try it for yourself. It may be that you decide to continue on or decide that overall, the way you experience the world is better with medication

I just want to offer you courage for the journey. You'll know when you know. Thank you again for stepping out and sharing this with us. You did a good thing for yourself, for us and certainly, for me.

Sincerely,
Jersey
:-)

[_MeDotOrg]

Thank you Dr.Steuss and Jersey Girl for your kind words. I have tears running down my face right now. (But, to be fair, that's not been a rare occurrence in the last two weeks!)

When I said it felt like I'd lost my 'mental muscles' I wasn't too far off. I did some research and the long term use of Celexa diminishes your body's capacity to make serotonin. So what I'm experiencing is (at least partially) an absence of serotonin.

Today I went back to Kaiser and refilled my prescription. I will attempt this again, only MUCH slower, over a period of two months or so. Again a very sobering experience, but not worthless. It gave me some valuable insight.

And for anyone else attempting this, my advice is to take it VERY slowly, over a period of months.

But again, thank you Jersey Girl and Dr. Steuss. What you both said meant a great deal to me.

[_Jersey Girl]

Around here, we call them brain shocks. I've never had them myself but if I get quiet and think long enough, I think I can almost get close to understanding what they feel like.

Just in the last week, I've seen statements on this very board regarding mental health issues, that convinced me that the people making the comments had no bloody clue in hell what they were talking about. How many times have I seen anti-depressants referred to as "happy pills" on this board?

Happy, my ass. It's damn hard work to live with depression.

I think titrating off Celexa is something that takes like a month or more, Me. Possibly 3 is what I've read. It probably depends on the individual. But know this...you're goddamn brave to try to get that answer for yourself.


My best,
Jersey

[_Jersey Girl]

I wanted to add this on account of the fact that schizophrenia was mentioned. I have a relative back east who lives with schizophrenia. There was a period of time, when I was in between visits, when that relative had to stop taking their regular meds (weekly blood tests were involved, something not going right, white blood cell count?) so they had to go off them and then on to another type of medication that didn't require weekly tests. I listened to the family member who takes care of them tell me about what was going on in terms of behavior.

Somehow in my mind, I only ever thought of the folks that you hear about on the news that said demons told them to kill someone. So, with that concept, I guess I thought that a person with schizophrenia had some kind of intrusive thought in their head telling them to kill someone or whatever.

I didn't know that the voices were auditory hallucinations. That is to say, I didn't know they could really hear them.

When I found these youtube videos, I believe I had a better understanding of what it's like to live with schizophrenia.

I thought this one was the most informative and powerful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYHVbLLO2bU

This one is Anderson Cooper using a schizophrenia simulator:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL9UJVtgPZY

[_Doctor CamNC4Me]

I couldn't imagine how terrifying it would be to live with an assertive mental illness. What's real? What's not? My sympathy goes out to those who have to live with it, and then negotiate the maze of medications and their side effects trying to figure out what's normal. It's very tough stuff.

- Doc

[_MeDotOrg]

A lot of schizophrenics are brilliant. One of my college roommate's sister was class valedictorian in high school, but by her early 20's had to be hospitalized. A friend of mine who's a mental health professional worked with a brilliant young man who developed schizophrenia while in medical school. As a young doctor he would surreptitiously tape record all of his rounds, because he was sure that the CIA was following him.

I think of Schizophrenia and Alzheimer's as the cruelest diseases, because they can rob you of the person you know and while the biological human being lives on.

By the way, I took my normal dose of Celexa today. Again, trying to describe what happens I seem to be limited to similes. When you have a bad sunburn you are aware of every pore on your skin. That's what your emotional landscape feels like when you withdraw from an anti-depressant. Your consciousness exists within a constant ache.

About an hour after I took the Celexa, I could feel the rawness of that ache start to heal. Like a sunburn spray being applied to your brain, the nerve endings stopped their constant twitching. So now I feel 'normal'. But while it's comforting to know that relief is only a pill away, it's also disconcerting knowing that 'normal' is so dependent on medication.

So I'm going to have a long talk with my doctor about this whole experience.

[_Jersey Girl]

With regard to the person who has been on meds (various/various combinations) for 15 years. One of my own questions was "How do we know they still need it?" The person asked themselves that very question a few years ago. Just like you have, Me.

They were on a variety of meds, some full time, some PRN. One by one, they dropped the meds until they were left with Celexa (and I can't for the life of me right this moment recall the second one), and one more PRN. With guidance, they carefully titrated down from the Celexa. Some of the symptoms were fatigue (sleeping full days), brain shocks/zaps and anxiety attacks. This person decided that they were better with the Celexa.

I fill the position of partner for this person. I'm the person that they call on day/night, and the one who has learned to ask the hard questions that sometimes lead to hospitalization. From what I have seen, it takes a hell of a lot to try to see what life is like without medication, and if you don't mind my saying so, it takes a certain amount of grit to be the support person as well.

It's hard to say if the meds create a life long dependence or not. Everything is viewed via 20/20 hindsight. I have seen the worst of what happens when one remains untreated. That is to say, completed suicide. So, I have nothing but admiration for those who seek treatment, endure medication shifts until they find the best combination, those who need to change medications again when meds are no longer doing their job and those who have the freaking courage and determination to walk into a hospital and say I need you to voluntary hold me.

Damn, that takes more courage than anyone knows, Me.

It sounds like your own question has been answered for right now. I'm happy to hear that you're feeling more at ease.

One of my favorite quotes that holds meaning to me as a partner and I think to others whose lives are impacted by mental health issues is this.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" ~ John Wayne

Thank you for sharing your accounts with this board. It means so much to me, personally. I just hope the folks who need to read and hear about these issues have looked in on this thread.

You are a warrior, Me, and you have given us gold here.

[_Jersey Girl]

With regard to "normal" being dependent on medication. You might not appreciate this analogy, but I'm using it anyway. If your "normal" were dependent on insulin, would you accept it?

It's not all that different a concept.
:-)