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I feel like writing. If I were a smart person I would have kept a journal this year but I guess I'm kind of doing that with the board. I think I'm actually documenting myself which is kind of pathological in and of itself.

I don't know exactly what happened but on Election Night I noticed a huge shift in my thinking. I think it was the day I went out to pick up C'mas gifts in the evening--which I never go out at night alone. I just don't. But on the drive to one of our Target stores (because that's where the wished for toys are) I noticed a sense of peace had kicked in.

Now that is kind of crazy because I bashed the hell out of my rib cage the night before and I was in pain but still, peace washed over me.

I think it's because I knew we had all cast our votes and it was out of our hands from that point on. All the shuffling back and forth between projections and scenarios I do find quite interesting but only because I have never devoted myself to following politics like I have these past 4 years. I mean, I have been on Trump's every move since Inauguration and while I pray for and hope every president will succeed he totally lost me with the border separations and then of course, all the other things (not naming them it'll tick me off) he's done and said. So yes, I am engaged by the expected outcome of the election mainly because you guys made a political stalker out of me. Thanks! And yet, on Election Night I felt removed from it.

Kind of like before this administration when I knew votes were coming in but I felt like it was happening without me so I had no trouble sleeping at night. Figured whoever got elected was going to do some good things and screw some things up. I felt like it didn't really involve me much.

I think it could be a streak of stubbornness on my part as well. It's like I've given politics my all as best as I knew how for 4 years and now I'm breaking up with it and going back to my first loves which are my life and my people. I didn't try to shift my thinking. It just happened.

Could be some flight or fight going on there. I overthink everything, I know. As much as I might appear to be pathologically interested in other people, their behavior, motivations and their needs, I am the ongoing moving target of my own self observations. I check on and check in with myself more than anyone else I ever set my sights on. I'm always watching myself from afar. That's how crazy self aware I am. Or just crazy. Let's face it, I could be completely out of my mind or stuck in my mind without knowing it. We introverts live in our heads anyway.

In spite of the fact that we're still in the mother of all political cliff hangers and numbers of new CV cases are rising each day, I think I've finally got my brain back in my head again. First-born-only-child-introvert-idealist has to know what she's doing and I do. Did you know that people like me rehearse things in our head? We do. We try to imagine what could happen and develop strategies for how we will respond. How we'll get through it. I've actually done it minute by minute in periods of crisis, even the worst crisis this family has ever faced. I start lining up my ducks before the next wave hits. Maybe it's just an adaptive trait, a skill I learned in childhood? I dunno. I do it without thinking about doing it. It could be that I'm always refilling the cup when it starts to drain.

Maybe that's how resilience works. I'll have to overthink that some day soon. I'm crazy for examining how my own psychology works. Trying to understand myself. Probably because I'm the one who has to live with me and my own choices.

Winter is coming, the holidays, and we'll probably be in full on lock down here in a few weeks. I don't know if we'll be able to be together as we normally do. Probably not. But I don't care if we have to have zoom Thanksgiving or open Christmas presents on a driveway or on the property 10 feet away from each other with masks on.

This family is having the holidays and everyone will know that I love them the most. Even if I happen to die from CV before then, I'm leaving presents behind. I've got everything except for one certain type of ornament that I give to someone every single year since they were born. Until then, I am loving the beauty of the piece of land we live on. The forest has gone tawny colored just like it has every other year before the earth goes to sleep under a blanket of snow. I'm feathering the nest early this year. Maybe it's me willing myself and my people forward. In fact, I know it's that.

And I am obviously not alone in that regard. I noticed when driving around that people in my forest are starting to put up their holiday lights. You just see sparkles of it twinkling here and there. All of a sudden an random wagon is illuminated or a barn is outlined in lights. So I am not the only one willing myself forward. I am not alone in seeing what beauty and peace I can create for the upcoming months on our own little island out here in the woods. If only there were an ocean, right? But life under these trees creates a kind of retreat from the outside world. Call it a buffer zone. People do it for themselves and their neighbors to see and enjoy all winter long. Makes me sad when some of them start taking them down right after the NY, but there's usually some diehards that leave them up. No matter how you slice it, this winter's going to be a long one. Might as well create all the ambiance that you can.

Anyway all of this is where my thinking actually shifted to on Election Night. By the time I got home, I was thinking forward instead of feeling stuck in political/medical limbo. I wonder if you other guys have felt stuck, if you still do or if you feel unstuck now like I do? If you read through this to the end, hey thanks! Totally winged it here.

Because I felt like it.

Now I will have to figure out why I write when I feel like this. Why I need to put it into words. And in your case, why I share it here on the board and put my crazy in your face. Don't feel like you have to do anything about it, okay? You can just say, "Oh there goes Jersey again. Uh huh"

There goes Jersey again...... But, you are inspiring to read!

Philo Sofee wrote: ↑

Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:04 am

There goes Jersey again...... But, you are inspiring to read!

Aw, you're only saying that because you are afflicted with the same level of crazy. You are def my spirit animal. Guess what? I had to run out to one of the little stores out here. I noticed a new is tree lit up! I have NO idea how they get them that high up but they do. I'm gonna get on our community's Facebook page and request that people keep their lights up all winter long.

I think they'll do it! It's kind of an odd community which is why I like it so much. When I noticed lights (white lights so far) going up I felt like this sense of community where we're all willing ourselves forward and also carrying each other forward this year.

I could be delusional, but that's how I think about it.

It wasn't that long ago that we were all howling at the moon at 8 p.m. in honor of front line workers. One night an Elk started bugling with us.

Maybe we can twinkle through winter together! I highly recommend it! This forest is pitch black at night...so cool to see the lights on trees, wagons, tractors, front end loaders, basically the kinds of equipment folks have laying around in the properties. They just leave them there and light 'em up!

Works for me!

Jersey Girl -

This is a nice change from the tension you expressed in this thread from 4 years ago, isn’t it? -

http://www.mormondiscussions.com/viewto ... 6&start=21

Related, one of my comments to you further down the page looks to have ended up reading Future Trump pretty well; like you I’m also happy to see that we might finally move beyond how this all turned out.
: )

Jersey Girl wrote: ↑

Fri Nov 06, 2020 12:34 am

I feel like writing. If I were a smart person I would have kept a journal this year but I guess I'm kind of doing that with the board.

Online Reunion

So the other day I noticed a new notification for a private Facebook group that was for my growing up church back in Jersey. It was an announcement about an anniversary celebration which is actually what the group was created for some years back. I knew I wouldn't be going back for the anniversary celebration any time so I basically took note and didn't comment.

Next thing I know, I see that someone has replied to my post there from 2013. That's when the other anniversary was happening. I had written a post about the influence of the church (which was central to my early life) and to Pastor. I let folks know what profession I ended up in and completed the post with lyrics to a song about childhood that is deeply meaningful to me. That one post generated a ton of conversation. I think because I shared detailed memories. You know, my old peers coming out of the woodwork and all. I have vivid and specific memories of my childhood and so much so, that my peers can't believe it and I apparently trigger those memories for them as well, which is kind of nice.

So yesterday, someone had bumped up that old post. They said they had seen that I "viewed" the page--that announcement. They said when they read my post again it triggered memories of riding in my mother's Corvair (Don't get me started on that vehicle! The day it rolled off the lot, it got a flat tire and that was only the beginning.) and going to a specific church activity that Ma facilitated.

Then...someone else chimed in. I wrote another series of memories for her. It makes me feel good to talk about my childhood and our time together. I often recall things that would make someone laugh...like pretending to be cows eating grass on the front lawn of the house. We really ate the grass. I always think maybe they'll share a memory or fact of their childhood with their adult children or spouse, you know, because we're all old now and the people in our lives (family, associates) know us as adults, but we were once children. That's a fact jack.

There's going to be a point to this, I promise. It has to do with my pathological tendency/interest/need to try to figure people out.

Anyway I sent her my address at her request and we started talking in messages. We shared photos and information about our lives. She said I look "adorable" I think I'd have to challenge that but it was a nice compliment from someone who hasn't seen me in decades. I don't know exactly what my intention was (I think I might be lying here, I haven't thought that far ahead yet) but in the middle of all the good stuff I mentioned a specific family crisis we went through and that everyone was recovered, doing well and living life to the fullest and how thankful we are. I made 2 comments about that.

Kept messaging back and forth. Kept sending pics. Talked about a meet up with someone who will be in the same general location as we are in spring/summer. Eventually, we signed off and that was that until next time.

What follows here isn't a criticism or a judgment, it's an observation. Be clear.

In thinking about the conversation which was so much fun, I have to say! I noticed something.

Not once did she respond to those 2 statements I made. Not even a hint of response. Nothing like "Oh I am so happy to hear everyone is well now!" or "I can't imagine going through something like that." or you know, something like that. There was no response at all. Like I hadn't even written it.

Then today I was thinking about a previous time when we went back home to attend services for my FIL. We caught a red eye out to the coast. I have to admit something about myself right here. When it comes to funerals and wakes and such, I am not someone who sits there sobbing. It's almost always been a case of my doing what I call "steeling" myself because I sense that at least those who are close to me are falling apart and I figure I should be there to support them and even their practical needs. It's not that I never shed a tear. It's not that I'm not sad. It's that I am watching those around me and trying to determine what I can do in the way of support. The dead are already taken care of, it's the living who need help. That's my theory anyway, so I automatically start looking for ways to help and support. Fetching stuff for people, waiting on them, getting them a drink or a place to talk, or telling them it's okay to go outside and take a break when they are running their emotional selves into the ground.

The last time I broke down at a wake/funeral was about 7 years ago now. Because I was saying farewell to someone I had a life long relationship with and it hurt a lot. So my family members and I all embraced and cried in each others shoulders. You just do that. You have to.

So at the wake for my FIL was sort of standing guard in the back after a priest thing, surrounded by a ton of Catholic folks all you know, suffering. When Pastor unexpectedly walked in the door. You know, he just showed up because that's who he was. If he saw a need, he showed up. We spoke for a few minutes when his oldest daughter (my age, childhood friend) who was with her father said one thing. Just one thing.

"Jersey, was he saved?"

That's all she said. That's the only thing she said. Not "How is Jersey Boy doing?" "Does the family need anything?" "Can we drop off a meal?" "Does anyone need a ride to run errands?" "Can we come clean the house?"

Nope. All she contributed was a question about the eternal destination of my FIL while she stood there in a room full of his grief stricken loved ones. I told her yes, but only to get her off my back and thwart any further discussion which I felt would be inappropriate and would do nothing to tend to the needs of the actual people actually grieving in the room. Truly, that question alone if asked of another of his loved ones, could have sent them into full on despair. Was he saved? Was he in heaven? Was he in hell?

Can you even imagine?

There's not a moment in my life when I know someone is hurting or sick or struggling that the words "How can I help?" don't come out of my mouth. Not once. Not ever. That's the very first words that I say or a variation such as "What do you need me to do?" "Do you need me to come? Do you need me to be there with you?" I have grocery shopped, cleaned houses, stayed overnight, slept in chairs in hospitals and ERs, cooked meals, watched children, driven people around, all kinds of things, and just listened to people express themselves.

Here's the thing. The woman in the Facebook meet up and the Pastor's oldest daughters are sisters. Both Pastor's kids. Their father, like I said, was someone who showed up and so was his wife. They would do like anything they could think of to support a person. So my question is...

Why is it that his daughters (don't know about the sons) seem unable to address or even acknowledge the challenges of others?

And the burning question of the day is:

How can you minister to people if you can't or don't connect and isn't that what we Christians are here to do?

p.s. If I keep this up during pandemic, I could probably write that book people tell me to write. The one that people would say "Oh, you must be making that up. How could all of that stuff happen to one person?"

I'm crazy for examining how my own psychology works. Trying to understand myself. Probably because I'm the one who has to live with me and my own choices.

You know, my reaction to this was to think, Isn't that everyone?

But it occurs to me that their must be whole swathes of people who don't go there with themselves. Maybe a lot of people live in an anti-self-reflective oblivion.

So I'm with you on this one, Jersey Girl. I think it's a good thing to figure out why we think the way we do. How else do you check the mood swings? As I've gotten older, I've figured out a few things about myself, and life gets a little better all the time. Ultimately, my experience in this world, or at least, my interface with the world, exists entirely in my head. It's best to clean up around here if this is where I'm spending all my time.

I suspect that if you aren't self reflective, you're stuck.

Out in the backwoods, does one eat Taylor's pork roll and cheese, or Taylor's ham and cheese?

Moksha wrote: ↑

Sun Nov 15, 2020 1:10 am

Out in the backwoods, does one eat Taylor's pork roll and cheese, or Taylor's ham and cheese?

Taylor Ham, no cheese. Cut the ends in an X close in to the middle so they don't curl up. Fry in a pan. Serve with eggs. Some folks like it fried on bread or a hard roll with ketchup.

You can actually get Taylor Ham out here in the Rockies. If you ask anyone from Jersey if they like Taylor Ham Pork Roll they will look at you like you have 3 heads with horns. Any Jerseyite will tell you those are two very distinct things. It's an ongoing source of regional debate and controversy!

Don't believe me? https://www.New Jersey.com/news/2016/06/results ... de_New Jersey.html

I eat a heart healthy diet but when I go back home I make sure I get a couple of trips to a good Jersey diner. I'm in it for the breakfast menu. Taylor Ham or Bacon.

Taylor Ham is best. Pork roll is crap.

Jersey Girl wrote: ↑

Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:34 am

Philo Sofee wrote: ↑

Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:04 am

There goes Jersey again...... But, you are inspiring to read!

Aw, you're only saying that because you are afflicted with the same level of crazy. You are def my spirit animal. Guess what? I had to run out to one of the little stores out here. I noticed a new is tree lit up! I have NO idea how they get them that high up but they do. I'm gonna get on our community's Facebook page and request that people keep their lights up all winter long.

I think they'll do it! It's kind of an odd community which is why I like it so much. When I noticed lights (white lights so far) going up I felt like this sense of community where we're all willing ourselves forward and also carrying each other forward this year. [

I could be delusional, but that's how I think about it.

It wasn't that long ago that we were all howling at the moon at 8 p.m. in honor of front line workers. One night an Elk started bugling with us.

Maybe we can twinkle through winter together! I highly recommend it! This forest is pitch black at night...so cool to see the lights on trees, wagons, tractors, front end loaders, basically the kinds of equipment folks have laying around in the properties. They just leave them there and light 'em up!

Works for me!

I have got 83 residents willing to keep their lights up through winter!!!! This place is amazing!!!

Some Schmo wrote: ↑

Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:18 am

I'm crazy for examining how my own psychology works. Trying to understand myself. Probably because I'm the one who has to live with me and my own choices.

You know, my reaction to this was to think, Isn't that everyone?

But it occurs to me that their must be whole swathes of people who don't go there with themselves. Maybe a lot of people live in an anti-self-reflective oblivion.

So I'm with you on this one, Jersey Girl. I think it's a good thing to figure out why we think the way we do. How else do you check the mood swings? As I've gotten older, I've figured out a few things about myself, and life gets a little better all the time. Ultimately, my experience in this world, or at least, my interface with the world, exists entirely in my head. It's best to clean up around here if this is where I'm spending all my time.

I suspect that if you aren't self reflective, you're stuck.

I don't think it's everyone. And, I think there are a great many people I know who are stuck. Some of my relatives are exactly like that. I saw you in self reflective mode when you were commenting about how to think about Trump supporters. Bunch of anger and resentment coming from you for a long time, I suppose that was born of frustration. And then you tried to figure out what they were about and how to meet them where they were at. Something like that. How to make peace with all of this.

I think I am pathologically self reflective. As much as I try to understand and relate to others, I do that even more with myself. And I did it long before it was ever a cornerstone of my teaching practice. I'd already been doing it for most of my life by the time I started teaching.