Toxic People

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_The CCC
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _The CCC »

Jersey Girl wrote:
The CCC wrote:We all need someone's shoulder to cry on occasionally. But we don't always need to be that someone. :smile:


If it were occasionally, I'm all over it. If you're having a problem, I'm always willing to listen to someone.


I've pretty well accepted my life. Though every once in a while I have a pity party. My wife still listens to me. She reminds me of what my mom used to tell me. "When you're feeling down pick yourself up, kick yourself in the butt, and get to work doing something positive".
_Jersey Girl
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _Jersey Girl »

The CCC wrote:
I've pretty well accepted my life. Though every once in a while I have a pity party. My wife still listens to me. She reminds me of what my mom used to tell me. "When you're feeling down pick yourself up, kick yourself in the butt, and get to work doing something positive".


We all have a good pity party now and then, right?

I'll add to your mom's good advice.

"God helps those who help themselves"

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and try again"

And my sig line...

"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up."
Chinese Proverb
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
_The CCC
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Joined: Tue Nov 03, 2015 4:51 am

Re: Toxic People

Post by _The CCC »

I don't know how good they they are. :lol: But I usually feel better afterwards. Words of wisdom.
_Jersey Girl
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _Jersey Girl »

The CCC wrote:I don't know how good they they are. :lol: But I usually feel better afterwards. Words of wisdom.


I think they're very good. People need to take responsibility for their own selves. And yes, of course, we do need assistance at times.

The point is to seek a solution. Not wallow in your crap forever.
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
_Philo Sofee
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _Philo Sofee »

Jersey Girl wrote:At least this thread wasn't about Trump.

See? That's me seeking the positive!

:lol:


If I may, and it's probably already been tried, knowing you and your kind heart, but....... try to actually and genuinely find something positive about the person and tell them in sincerity. Also, I tell a negative person who I am involved with that if they think they have it bad, try to get through life blind. I tell them to put on a blind fold and really, for a day, go blind. Then be grateful you have eyes. The same with our legs. We don't have it bad at all. What is needed is a GOAL. Convince them to set a goal, no matter how small, and achieve it. WIthout goals people lose sight of how good life is and can be.

My two cents,
Dr CamNC4Me
"Dr. Peterson and his Callithumpian cabal of BYU idiots have been marginalized by their own inevitable irrelevancy defending a fraud."
_Jersey Girl
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _Jersey Girl »

Philo Sofee wrote:
Jersey Girl wrote:At least this thread wasn't about Trump.

See? That's me seeking the positive!

:lol:


If I may, and it's probably already been tried, knowing you and your kind heart, but....... try to actually and genuinely find something positive about the person and tell them in sincerity. Also, I tell a negative person who I am involved with that if they think they have it bad, try to get through life blind. I tell them to put on a blind fold and really, for a day, go blind. Then be grateful you have eyes. The same with our legs. We don't have it bad at all. What is needed is a GOAL. Convince them to set a goal, no matter how small, and achieve it. WIthout goals people lose sight of how good life is and can be.

My two cents,


The person is a professional counselor.

:lol:
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
_canpakes
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _canpakes »

Hi, Jersey Girl!

The answer is, "yes".

No ifs, ands or buts. Gotta trust me on this one.

Have a great week!


Image
_Jersey Girl
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _Jersey Girl »

Denumonte

Here's what finally happened. A couple of weeks before I left for my trip to Jersey, my heart softened a bit and I let her know I was coming. I gave her the dates. I'm not going to quote here, but if something doesn't make sense, feel free to ask a question about it. See if you can follow this little bouncing ball if this doesn't bore you to death.

1. Just before I left, she claimed that she didn't have the dates. (False, they were on her Facebook messages and she had actually replied to them)

2. She said she was available any time, always there, etc. I tell her that I have a long list of people to visit and some planned activities, but I will have some days where I'm free to go visiting others.

2. When I was there, I sent a text via cell to the effect, "How about meet up for coffee early afternoon Friday?"

3. Sends me a Facebook message: I can't meet until after 4:30 pm because of such and such and such and such. Basically she was home the whole time but couldn't leave. (At no point did she invite me to come over).

4. Claimed that she never got a text message on her cell (could I just call one of the phones and tell her the message)--when she just ANSWERED the text message on Facebook.

5. I say that's too late, I have something at 6. Well, hey, see what your Sun and Monday looks like and maybe I can switch something around.

Stop right there. At that point, I was waiting on 2 relatives to confirm their plans with me on those days. I figured if one said they needed to switch, I'd plug her in. I never intended to ask anyone to switch on her behalf. (I'll explain why later). Both relatives confirmed their plans.

5. She gets back to me and says, Sunday or Monday MIGHT work. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

6. The next day I get back to her and say I couldn't switch anything else around (truth), that Friday had been my best day to visit her, sorry it couldn't work out for you! I even added a little teary emoticon indicating disappointment.

Any normal person would probably extend their mutual regrets and say, hey have a great rest of your time, right? That didn't happen. Read on...

A day or so later, I get a lengthy Facebook message here's the gist:

1. Explaining once more why Friday wouldn't work and how I had an "obligation". It wasn't an obligation, it was a pleasure people.

2. She'd been there the whole entire time I was there (Hello, *I* wasn't there the whole entire time).

3. How we'd always been able to meet up every time I was there (patently false, I can name at least 2 times she jerked me around).

4. And that (get this) her feelings were hurt.

That's right. She tried to guilt me on my own trip. That there was the kicker of all time.

On my trip, I had a total of 19 people who wanted to see me. I couldn't see 3 of them for various reasons and she turned out to be one of them. She's the only person who never invited me to do anything, never invited me to drop over the house (where apparently she is housebound by a puppy--don't ask--never said a word about that prior to my trip), and she's the ONLY person who tried to guilt me on my own trip which I paid actual money for, for not being able to see her. Do you see how she expected me to make room for her based on a "might work"? Uh yeah, I'm totally doing that. :rolleyes: I did that once on a trip, moved someone around for her and she bailed.

That last lengthy message trying to guilt me proved to me forever and all time that this is either someone who is incapable of thought and/or is entirely toxic. Or both. In any case, a defining moment.

I thought for 5 seconds about showing her the messages in sequence and how clear I had been, but ultimately decided not to get in the ring with her, never replied and don't plan to.

The End.
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
_Jersey Girl
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Re: Toxic People

Post by _Jersey Girl »

I just want to make note of the fact that I'm 2 weeks out from returning home from my trip. She's been spiting me with vague Facebook posts on her Facebook since I stopped responding to her when I was there and continues to do so to this day. I just saw another today. I look in there every couple of days or so and she's still doing it.

Observing this behavior drives home the fact that folks here were right and reinforces that I was right to move away from the relationship. I wasn't certain when I posted the OP if the behaviors I was dealing with could be characterized as toxic or not.

I no longer doubt this.

I really appreciate those who chimed in here. I was skeptical at the time. Not now though. I mean, it's a full blown toxic spectacle to behold.
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
_Jersey Girl
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Joined: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:16 am

Re: Toxic People

Post by _Jersey Girl »

I don't suppose this is interesting to anyone else but me, but I'm documenting it anyway because I've never had an experience such as this with someone I've known for so long and now I'm into the self help portion of the journey. Yes, I'm aware that I've um, discontinued interacting with folks that I easily identified as toxic, but this one's been a real study in human behavior and I'm pretty darn satisfied with myself for sticking to my plan not to get in the ring and defend or engage anything. All I had to do was wait this one out.

I remained completely silent for a couple of reasons. 1) I had nothing to defend and 2) I knew if I copied the exchanges in question and pointed out where I'd been completely clear in my communication, it would have only caused a flare up in the crap show I was intermittently watching from afar and thus prolong it.

I did something a little weird, but nothing I wouldn't have done were I observing a child. I had looked at some online resources about characteristics of toxic people and then I studied her. I also studied myself in response to her. I copied all the exchanges that remained on my messages (going back a month) and examined them for:

How many times my comments were completely ignored--looking for signs of the toxic or selfish person--where this person simply rattled on about themselves, complaining about her life and the people in it.

Tons!

I also noticed the negative descriptors in the communication.

Tons!

I also looked for positive forms of communication, positive statements about life or people.

There was ONE. In an entire month of messages. ONE.

Virtually every message was about drama, negativity, and criticism of others.

I looked for how often I tried to be supportive and how many times that was ignored.

Every. single. time.

In fact, one series of negative and complaining comments and my supportive replies, was swiftly followed by yet another series of negative and complaining comments about yet something else!

It's really easy to see a toxic person as someone who makes critical, undermining, or mean comments about you, it's a little different when you're engaged with a toxic person whose interactions make them seem needy for support or affirmation. I can see now, that's exactly a toxic situation where all you're getting from the person is a steady stream of negative, the dynamic consists of negative/support/negative/support/negative/support and they never once ask "Hey, how are you doing, Jerz?" And more importantly, no problem is ever solved.

Wow. It really is a study in human behavior and to see what part I played in it. A real eye opener. I knew it was negative and I realized that it felt draining, but I didn't realize how many times I played into it.

Anyway, here's what followed my period of silence. Two family members are also Facebook friends of this person. One day, one of my family members posted a reaction to one of her memes with ranting comments...they posted something like this: :surprised:

And she deleted her entire rant.

Then, it happened again just a few days ago. The family member responded with the same :surprised: .

And when I looked in again, I noticed that she deleted that, too. Um, I was wrong. I looked down the page and all I could see were posts set to public.

Conclusion: She blocked me from seeing her personal posts/rants.

That's right, I was punished for...remaining silent.

And get this, so far as I know, she kept the family members wide open. Like if I wanted to, I couldn't ask the family members to tell me or show me what she's up to?

That's some kinda genius at work right there. :lol:
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
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