Toxic People

[_Jersey Girl]

At least this thread wasn't about Trump.

See? That's me seeking the positive!

[_Quasimodo]

At least this thread wasn't about Trump.

See? That's me seeking the positive!

Wait, wasn't this thread about toxic people?

[_Gadianton]

The problem is "toxic" can refer to a wide variety of traits. Often, it refers to hypersensitive people. The other side of the coin is that hypersensitive people who are prone to emo meltdowns and exaggerations and drama can be very true people. The other side of the coin, the person is command of emotion, could very well be anti-social. Ted Bundy was anything but toxic on a basic, interpersonal communication level.

hypersensitive people will often view other hypersensitive people as toxic, while a borderline anti-social doesn't see the offense. That's why you get these tough guys with nerves of steel who can easily manipulate women in constant distress. The distressed person latches on easily to a person who isn't repelled by inability to self-control.

[_Jersey Girl]

The problem is "toxic" can refer to a wide variety of traits. Often, it refers to hypersensitive people. The other side of the coin is that hypersensitive people who are prone to emo meltdowns and exaggerations and drama can be very true people. The other side of the coin, the person is command of emotion, could very well be anti-social. Ted Bundy was anything but toxic on a basic, interpersonal communication level.

hypersensitive people will often view other hypersensitive people as toxic, while a borderline anti-social doesn't see the offense. That's why you get these tough guys with nerves of steel who can easily manipulate women in constant distress. The distressed person latches on easily to a person who isn't repelled by inability to self-control.

I'm not seeing how this relates to what I described or are you commenting in general about toxic people? If you have more to say, I'm interested in reading it.

[_Some Schmo]

I have a brother that I've always gotten along with, but the last few times we've spoken, I feel completely drained afterward. I don't know what's up with him, but a lot of the problems he complains about are self-inflicted wounds. While I still love him, I find myself not liking him as much.

This is what I meant by toxic. I talk to people for human contact - it usually makes me feel better to have an interesting conversation. If somebody, anybody, just wants to bitch most of the time, there's nothing in it for me. I'm willing to listen to people when they have something real going on, but when a person's default position is to bitch and moan about everything, and you can pretty much anticipate how any given conversation with them will go, I find it's no longer worth it. It's too depressing, and I have my own stuff to worry about.

Part of my avoidance of the news these days was that I thought I might be turning into one of those people. I don't want to go there. I prefer laughing over anger any day.

So yeah, Jersey Girl, I'd drop this person like a rock.

[_Jersey Girl]

Holy cats. I'm going to respond to this bit by bit, by talking about the friend.

I have a brother that I've always gotten along with, but the last few times we've spoken, I feel completely drained afterward.

Yes, exactly. The 5 people I put on blackout, all drain me including the one in the OP.

I don't know what's up with him, but a lot of the problems he complains about are self-inflicted wounds. While I still love him, I find myself not liking him as much.

She engages in blaming and doesn't try to solve her problems. Even when you give advice when she's asked for it. She doesn't try to use the ideas.

This is what I meant by toxic. I talk to people for human contact - it usually makes me feel better to have an interesting conversation.

Exactly! There needs to be some level of reciprocity. Of course there are situations that warrant a one-way listening ear. Death and medical emergencies would be my top two.

If somebody, anybody, just wants to bitch most of the time, there's nothing in it for me.

Then you're being used.

I'm willing to listen to people when they have something real going on, but when a person's default position is to bitch and moan about everything, and you can pretty much anticipate how any given conversation with them will go, I find it's no longer worth it. It's too depressing, and I have my own stuff to worry about.

Exactly. What bothers me is the happy face to the outside world and I get all the crap details. I don't mind the crap details but when that's ALL I get, that means I am constantly taking in negative information. I've come to see that as one-sided rude as hell. If someone is grieving or has a medical scare, that's a different story altogether.

Part of my avoidance of the news these days was that I thought I might be turning into one of those people. I don't want to go there. I prefer laughing over anger any day.

Me too! God grant me the serenity...

So yeah, Jersey Girl, I'd drop this person like a rock.

My head has already filled up with multiple ways to deal with this. One is like you said-- block it, drop it, and leave it.

[_Jersey Girl]

I could send them a link to this thread...

[_Some Schmo]

There needs to be some level of reciprocity. Of course there are situations that warrant a one-way listening ear. Death and medical emergencies would be my top two.

This is the crux of it for me. People who rarely complain get my undivided attention when something happens to them, because I know something really terrible must have happened for them to be upset.

Your point about advice is also spot on. When they bitch about a problem and don't take the obvious paths to attempting a fix, you know they want to wallow in their problems. The universe helps those who help themselves. These people don't want help. Complaining has become a hobby, and without it, they'd have nothing to occupy their minds.

[_Jersey Girl]

There needs to be some level of reciprocity. Of course there are situations that warrant a one-way listening ear. Death and medical emergencies would be my top two.

This is the crux of it for me. People who rarely complain get my undivided attention when something happens to them, because I know something really terrible must have happened for them to be upset.

Your point about advice is also spot on. When they bitch about a problem and don't take the obvious paths to attempting a fix, you know they want to wallow in their problems. The universe helps those who help themselves. These people don't want help. Complaining has become a hobby, and without it, they'd have nothing to occupy their minds.

You just knocked one clear out of the park there!

That's been my impression after one too many repeats not to notice a pattern. More than once I've found myself thinking "Find something to DO with yourself! Find a new hobby! Learn something new! Ask someone to coffee. Pick up a friggin' book for god sakes!" or "Hey get a therapist and stop using me for free!"


And it wouldn't be that way at all if there were reciprocity or if they tried to improve a situation. But that's not how it is with this one.

I don't think it's any secret around here that I'm willing to hear someone out when it's important to them to be heard. Lord knows how much I appreciate a listening ear when I need it myself. I don't judge, I listen, I try not to give unsolicited advice (I do sometimes though). But when this person straight up asks for advice and I tick off a list of "You could try this...you could try this...have you tried this?" and they act on none of it or come up with an alternative approach themselves? Or even worse, come up with umpteen excuses why nothing will work?

Then I agree that they don't know what to do with themselves, have no coping methods that are self nurturing and that complaining has become the pathological place they've chosen to camp--and by God, they're gonna stand their ground and protect that crap, then there's not a darn thing I can do to change that except change my role in the relationship.

Which is exactly where I'm at right this minute.

Yeah, you totally nailed it right there.

[_Dr. Shades]

Or, if you want to keep it simple, just put her on speakerphone and continue going about your business.