DiscussMormonism.com

So...there was a discussion on another thread, the content doesn't really matter. Schmo said this:

I don't see a point in holding on to relationships with toxic people just because you happen to be related to them. Life's too short.

I understand what I think of as toxic people and yet, a situation has come up and I want to know if anyone thinks this falls into the category of "toxic".

Without divulging everything under the sun...this is all the same person.

1. A person who constantly tells you how bad their life sucks and expects you to commiserate and listen to them vent for hours.

2. A person who essentially only contacts you when they have a problem, which means all you ever hear from them are negative messages.

3. A person who obviously has come to believe that your life is a walk in the park simply because you choose not to dwell on the negative things in life and as they say, "accentuate the positive". That is to say, you hardly ever complain so they think your life is a steady stream of butterflies and ice cream cones or whatever. But, if they've been paying attention (and remember) they'd know otherwise.

4. A person, who when you recently got yet another message venting, didn't contact you for a week because you FAILED to accept the invitation to their pity party and instead, basically told them to at least try to enjoy the holiday weekend...4th...wishing them well!

5. A person who having experienced a different approach from you, contacts you a week later to basically tell you how crappy their life is and strongly imply that you don't understand even though you've been listening to the same crap for years and commiserating, spending hours hearing them out and that sort of thing.

Yeah, sue me, I changed my behavior in response to theirs in an effort to disengage.

Does this sound like a toxic person or just someone who is self absorbed and looking for attention? I should add that this same person engages in "vague booking". You know the person who writes something on Facebook like "Oh my god this is the WORST day of my life!!!" so that their Facebook friends will rush in and inquire "What's going on?" "Are you okay?"

You know...middle school stuff.

I'm sure I'll regret this post. I don't think I care at the moment. I'm not sure this crosses the line into full on "toxic", but someone else's in real life input indicated they thought that it does.

Thanks if you'd like to contribute.

Oh yeah God help me I'm doomed all to hell and back again.


[quote:20aeuy5o]Toxic people often make you want to fix them and their problems. They want you to feel sorry for them, and responsible for what happens to them.[u:20aeuy5o] Yet their problems are never really solved, for once you’ve helped them with one crisis, there’s inevitably another one. What they really want is your ongoing sympathy and support, and they will create one drama after another in order to get it.[/u:20aeuy5o] “Fixing” and “saving” them never works, especially since you probably care more about what happens to them than they do.[/quote:20aeuy5o]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in ... -in-common


And get this...if you stop playing your part...it's gonna get weird.

Why have you devoted so much time to that person?

- Doc

My friends ex-wife. She has almost a pathological problem with the truth. I try to be friendly to her for her kids' sake, whom I'm very close to.

She will call me every couple of months (I never call her), spend ten minutes telling me what a great guy I am and then tell me what she needs from me. I have almost said when I see her name on the caller ID "Hi, what do you need now"? Maybe someday.

[quote="Doctor CamNC4Me":1814ysek]Why have you devoted so much time to that person?

- Doc[/quote:1814ysek]

Welp. I'm not going to say how long we've been friends but I'll tell you that we met in [i:1814ysek]kindergarten.[/i:1814ysek]

Over the years, their attitude/perspective has become increasingly weird to the point where they continuously complain about jobs, family, leaving the job they hated (who the “F” does that) etc., and never accept that they might have a part in whatever situation it is nor do they show any recognition that venting to me can't change anything.

So what I get is constant venting. You might have seen a post I made about having been transported to a hospital about a month ago and that when I returned, I put approx. 5 people on total blackout and this was one of them.

It's super easy for me to look at a relationship with clarity that doesn't involve me. Not always the case when I'm directly involved in the relationship. That's why I posted this to get feedback from more objective eyes.

Even as I was writing the post I looked down the list of issues and see that it's one-sided but when I think of "toxic" I think of narcissistic personality disorder and I don't think that this person falls into that category, though I do see narcissistic traits. I think I've been explaining that as someone who is having problems being self absorbed...and that's normal.

But this isn't normal and it's come to a head for me over the past month after I had the ER trip. Now it's full on crazy time.

I think I see it for what it is. I'll deal with it in one of 2 ways. I'll either drop the relationship entirely or confront it in my own way without being confrontational. And I'll have that done by sundown tomorrow.

The lesser part of me wants to lower the boom and tick off a list of "Hey! You wanna play how crappy is my life contest?"

Honestly, everyone has crap in their lives to deal with. One of the ways I deal with whatever crap is happening is by seeking the positives in life. Even in the very worst times of my life, my little cup is half full because I LOOK for the positive things I do have in my life and intentionally attach to those.

This person is sucking the joy out of me. The relationship needs to be redefined with me playing a different role or it needs to go because life is too darn short for this!

Truth: I'm actually very embarrassed that I wrote the OP (I swear on my Pug) and rest of these posts and yet, I did it, didn't I? I figure it wouldn't be the first time that I embarrassed myself around here and it probably won't be the last either.

Quasimodo wrote:My friends ex-wife. She has almost a pathological problem with the truth. I try to be friendly to her for her kids' sake, whom I'm very close to.

She will call me every couple of months (I never call her), spend ten minutes telling me what a great guy I am and then tell me what she needs from me. I have almost said when I see her name on the caller ID "Hi, what do you need now"? Maybe someday.

Part I underlined. That could have come out of my keyboard. My response is more like "What the hell is it now?"

And that's very telling. If you react that way to a person, you know that's not a reciprocal relationship and then at least for me, I have to ask myself "Then why are you in it?".

And that's why 5 people got a communication black out from me last month. I mean, at least one of them has no way to be reciprocal because they're grieving a death, but the rest...let's just say I'm re-evaluating the 4 who remain.

Jersey Girl wrote:
Truth: I'm actually very embarrassed that I wrote the OP (I swear on my Pug) and rest of these posts and yet, I did it, didn't I? I figure it wouldn't be the first time that I embarrassed myself around here and it probably won't be the last either.

Not something to be embarrassed about, Jersey Girl. Absolutely the best service this board performs is allowing a place to vent to friends without doing damage to real life relationships. Please vent on.

Jersey Girl wrote:

Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:Why have you devoted so much time to that person?

- Doc

Welp. I'm not going to say how long we've been friends but I'll tell you that we met in kindergarten.

So, around 30 years? ;)

- Doc

Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:
So, around 30 years? ;)

- Doc

I laugh in your face, sir!

Quasimodo wrote:

Jersey Girl wrote:
Truth: I'm actually very embarrassed that I wrote the OP (I swear on my Pug) and rest of these posts and yet, I did it, didn't I? I figure it wouldn't be the first time that I embarrassed myself around here and it probably won't be the last either.

Not something to be embarrassed about, Jersey Girl. Absolutely the best service this board performs is allowing a place to vent to friends without doing damage to real life relationships. Please vent on.

I know right?

Like I said previously, it's not difficult for me to see a relationship with clarity that I'm not involved in. Different story sometimes when I really am the other part of the relationship.

In my work, we often have another professional observe a child. I would never hesitate to say I need another pair of eyes to look in on a child or offer to or meet the request to do that for another teacher. So that's basically why I asked for objective observers here to look in on the dynamic they see playing out in what I wrote.

As I was writing it out, I started to see it with more clarity. Writing always helps me.