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Two Red Army soldiers are standing guard on a street, with the order to shoot anyone who's out past curfew.
They notice a man walking on the other side of the street. One of the guards raises his rifle and shoots the man immediately.
The other asks, "Why did you do that? It's five minutes until curfew!"
The soldier replies, "I know he lives ten minutes away, he wouldn't have made it home in time!"

Three factory workers are arrested and are waiting together in the back of a KGB van.
The first says, "I came in to work five minutes late every day, so they accused me of being an American saboteur."
The second says, "I came in to work five minutes early every day, so they accused me of being an American spy."
The third says, "I came in to work on time every day, so they accused me of having an American watch."

Three Russians are staying in a Moscow hotel. Two of them are staying up late shit-talking the Party, but the third one wants to go to sleep.
So, he goes down to the lobby and orders tea to be brought up to his room in ten minutes. Five minutes later, he goes back to his room, leans over to the lamp, and says "Comrade Major, send some tea to my room in five minutes."
A maid brings him the tea five minutes later, and the other two men are shaken by this. They soon quiet down and go to bed.
When the third man awakes, he finds his friends missing. He goes down to the lobby and asks where they went.
"The KGB came and took them last night."
"But why did they leave me?"
"The Major liked the part with the lamp."

Pravda has an image of Khrushchev visiting a pig farm for their next issue, but the editors aren't sure how to caption it.
Ideas like "Khrushchev visiting pigs" or "Khrushchev among pigs" are suggested, but none of them sound good.
Eventually, they settle on "Comrade Khrushchev, third from left."

Comrade Khrushchev toured a collective stockyard, where the workers showed him their latest machine: a state-of-the-art sausage maker.
The workers only had to load a hog carcass, push a button, and a chain of sausages came out the other end a minute later.
Upon seeing a demonstration, Khrushchev japed, "Ah, but is there a machine where one can put a sausage in and a hog comes out?"
"But Comrade Khrushchev," one of the workers replied, "only your parents can do that!"

A man was brought before the judge, accused of shouting "Khrushchev is a pig!" in Red Square for all to hear.
There was plenty of evidence and multiple eyewitnesses, so the man was sentenced to twenty-five years in prison.
"Twenty-five years?!" he shouted. "I thought insulting the General Secretary was only five years!"
"It is," the judge replied. "The other twenty are for revealing state secrets."

An old woman managed to catch the bus just before it left, exclaiming "Glory to God, I made it!"
The bus driver tells her, "Comrade, you can't say that anymore! You have to say 'Glory to Comrade Stalin' now!"
"Forgive me, I get forgetful sometimes at my age," the woman replies. "But what do I say if something bad happens to Comrade Stalin?"
"Then you can say 'Glory to God!'"

An artist is commissioned by the Politburo to paint something honoring Polish-Soviet relations. He tells them he'll call his painting 'Lenin in Poland', and they approve.
When it comes time for the painting to be unveiled, the audience is shocked. The painting shows Leon Trotsky in Lenin's bed, where he's having sex with his wife!
"This is an outrage!" the commissar cries. "Where is Lenin?!"
The artist replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Did you hear that Secretary Brezhnev is having another surgery?
This one's a chest expansion to make room for more medals.

Erich Honecker, President of East Germany, feels concerned that the people don't like him. So, he puts on a disguise and goes onto the streets of East Berlin.
He approaches a man on a street corner and asks, "What do you think about Honecker?"
The man looks around nervously and replies, "I can't say it out in the open, others might hear me! Follow me down that alleyway."
Honecker follows the man, until they feel that they're far enough away from any eavesdroppers.
At last, the man leans over and whispers, "I support Honecker!"

They say that communism will most likely not be achieved in our lifetimes.
But our children, our poor children!

A little girl is visiting her grandmother, who asks, "Dear, what are you learning in school these days? It's probably so different from what I was taught."
"They taught us about what life will be like under communism! The shops will be stocked, nobody will be unemployed, and everyone can have enough to eat!"
"Ah," the grandmother replied, "Just like under the Tsar!"

A man who's been waiting in a breadline for hours eventually gets fed up, shouts, "That's it, I'm off to kill Gorbachev!" and storms off.
An hour later, he sheepishly returns to the line.
His friend, who let him come back into the line, asks "What happened?"
"The line here is shorter."

Did you know that a study at an East Berlin university disproved that man evolved from apes?
No ape could only survive on two bananas a year.

Brezhnev and his wife are taking a train from a state visit in Berlin back to Moscow.
At one point, she asks him where they are. Brezhnev opens the window, sticks his hand out, and pulls it back in a second later.
"We're still in Germany. I stuck my hand out and someone kissed it."
A few hours later, she asks him again, and he sticks his hand out the window again.
"We're in Poland now. I stuck my hand out and someone spat on it."
She asks him a third time after several more hours passed, and he sticks his hand out again.
"We're back in Russia. I stuck my hand out and someone stole my watch!"

A man walks into a store and asks, "You don't have any bread here, do you?" The man at the counter replies, "No, this is the butcher's. We don't have any meat here."'

A father and his son are waiting to see Lenin's tomb when the child notices an armed guard at the entrance.
"Father, why do they have a guard here?"
"They told you in school that Lenin lives on forever, right?" the father asks, and the son nods.
"So," he continues, "what if he tries to get up?"

Leonid Brezhnev's mother is visiting, so he shows her around his office in the Kremlin, pointing out all the fine furniture and the priceless artwork on the walls.
"So mother, what do you think?"
"It's alright..."
A bit disappointed, Brezhnev takes her to his apartment in Moscow. He takes care to point out the jacuzzi, the fine clothes, the Omega watches, and all these other luxuries.
"Are you impressed, mother?"
"It's okay..."
So, he flies her down to his villa in Yalta. He takes her on the Yacht, shows her the sports cars in the garage, and points out the most expensive champagnes in the wine cellar.
"Why aren't you happy for me, mother? I made it, I'm successful!"
"I am, dear, it's just that I'm worried for your safety. After all, what if the Reds come back?"

Stalin's being driven through a backroad out to his dacha one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.
The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Stalin is a bit annoyed, but told the driver, "Just go to their house comrade, tell them you're my driver, and apologize."
A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Stalin asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner.
Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road.
He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a shot of vodka.
The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Stalin secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy.
When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm Comrade Stalin's driver, the pig is dead!"

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in.
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks.
"No, only one."
He resumes cleaning his rifle.

A man walking down the street sees a poster that says, 'Comrade Lenin is dead, but his cause lives on!'
"If only it were the other way around..."

An American tourist in Red Square is sitting on a bench and strikes up a conversation with a local.
"You know what I love about America?" he says, "Our freedom of expression. In fact, I could probably march into the White House and tell the President, 'Sir, I hate how you're running America!'"
"It's the same in Russia," the local replies, "I can march into the Kremlin and tell the Premier, 'Sir, I hate how the President is running America!'"

During the Moscow Olympics opening ceremony, Brezhnev stands up to the podium to give his speech.
He starts out by saying "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"
For the closing speech, they made sure not to print his notes on the Olympic rings letterhead.

Three men are arrested by the NKVD and are sitting in the back of a truck, and they eventually get talking about how they got arrested.
"I was arrested when I praised Karl Radek and an informant overheard," the first one says.
The second one exclaims, "How can that be? I was arrested for denouncing Karl Radek!"
They both turn to the third man and ask what he did.
He replies, "I'm Karl Radek."

Part II follows...

Did you know that the first Soviet election happened in the Bible?
God created Eve and told Adam to choose a wife.

Some workers in a washing machine factory decide that they want one for themselves. So, they resolve to steal the parts over time and build it in their apartments.
But it seemed that every time they tried, it would end up as a T-34.

What were the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky's last words before his suicide?
"Don't shoot, comrades!"

The Politburo held a design contest to create a statue that would honor the memory of the great Russian author Alexander Pushkin. The results were as follows:
Third: Stalin reading the works of Pushkin
Second: Pushkin reading the works of Stalin
First: Stalin reading the works of Stalin

An NKVD officer is inspecting a Red Army battalion when he finds two men dead in their barracks. He calls over their captain and asks what happened.
The captain points to one body and says, "He died after accidentally eating a poisonous mushroom, a real tragedy."
The officer then asks about the other body, which had a bullet hole in the back of the head.
"He didn't want to eat the mushrooms."

A man hears a car pull up to his driveway in the middle of the night, followed by the sound of breaking glass, and starts to panic.
As he's in the process of burning his diaries, he's confronted by a masked man in black.
"Don't worry, comrade," the intruder replies, "I'm only a burglar."

When General Zhukov leaves the Kremlin one day after a war briefing, one of the officers hears him mutter "That mustachioed bastard" under his breath.
The officer passes on what he heard, and Zhukov is called before Stalin the next day to explain himself.
"Comrade General, who was the 'mustachioed bastard' you were talking about yesterday?"
"I was referring to Hitler, comrade Secretary." Stalin is satisfied and lets Zhukov leave.
Then, he calls in the officer.
"Now, who did you think he was talking about, comrade?"

During a town's May Day celebrations, the local party chairman announced that an international string quartet would play.
"Our quartet represents people from all corners of the Union living in friendship: Comrade Filippenko shall represent Ukraine, Comrade Burkhanov shall represent Uzbekistan, Comrade Rejebian shall represent Armenia, and Comrade Rosenbaum shall be playing violin."

During a riot, an ambulance comes and shuttles away two riot officers who were injured in the clash. One protestor sees an old woman crying at the sight and accosts her.
"Why are you crying for those dogs, they don't deserve your sympathy!"
The woman stops crying for a moment and replies, "Don't you see? That ambulance only took two, but it's big enough to hold five!"

Two burglars break into a building in the middle of the night, only to find that every shelf, drawer, and box in the place is empty.
"Damnit, Ivan," one cries out, "you broke us into the general store!"

A party member hears an old peasant complaining that heonly owns one shirt, but he owned two under the Tsar.
"Now, comrade," he says, "we should be thankful for what we have. There are people in Africa who don't own any shirts or clothes at all!"
"I never thought of it like that," the peasant replies, "I had no idea that Africa was so much closer to communism than we are!"

An old veteran goes out to get some meat for his dinner, but he comes home empty-handed because the line didn't have enough.
"I can't believe this! I fought for Lenin in the revolution and Stalin in the war, and this is how they treat me! If they run out again tomorrow, I'll give that commissar a piece of my mind!"
"Please don't say anything stupid, dear," his wife says, "or else they might shoot you for treason!"
The next day, the old veteran comes back, seething and empty-handed.
"Were they out of meat today?" his wife asks.
"Worse than that, they're out of bullets!"

While in Yalta, Stalin and Roosevelt are looking over the side of a battleship in the harbor. Eventually, they make a bet about how the American and Soviet men would react to their orders.
Roosevelt goes up to an American seaman and says, "This is an order from your Commander-in-Chief. For the good of the nation, I command you to throw yourself overboard!"
The sailor refuses, saying, "I can't, Mister President, I have a wife and kids back home."
Then, Stalin turns to a Russian sailor and says, "This is an order from your General Secretary. For the good of the Union, I command you to throw yourself overboard!"
The sailor makes for the railing, but Roosevelt grabs ahold of him and asks why.
"I have to, Mister President, I have a wife and kids back home."

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are all riding in a train when suddenly, it stops. The conductor tells them that the rails up ahead are damaged and they need to wait.
Lenin says, "Comrades, let us call the workers nearby to help us fix the rails!"
Stalin sticks his head out the window and yells, "If this train doesn't start moving in 10 minutes, I'll have the entire crew shot!"
Khrushchev asks, "Why don't we just pull up the rails behind us and put them down in front?"
Brezhnev says, "Calm down, comrades, we can just just draw the curtains and pretend we're still moving!"
Finally, Gorbachev exclaims, "It doesn't matter what we do, we're headed in the wrong direction anyway!"

A party official is inspecting the harvests of all the collective farms in the area.
One farmer says, "Comrade, you would not believe our harvest! Our potatoes stack so high that they reach God Himself!"
"But comrade," the official says, "God does not exist."
"And neither do the potatoes."

Why do KGB teams always work in groups of three?
One to read, one to write, and one to make sure the two intellectuals don't do anything suspicious.

Why did the Armenian SSR establish a Ministry of the Navy if they're landlocked?
They heard that the Azerbaijanis established a Ministry of Culture.

Is it true that the capitalist world is on the brink of destruction?
It is, but the Soviet Union is always one step ahead of the West.

On a state visit to America, Foreign Minister Molotov heard one American official mention that there was a voodoo shaman that could raise the dead.
To retort, Molotov said that there was a man in Russia who could run faster than a jet fighter.
Later, Molotov was talking with Khrushchev about his visit, and he mentions the outlandish claims.
"I'm worried," Khrushchev says, "what if they demand to see this man run?"
"Then we'll ask them to show us the shaman and have him raise a dead man, like Stalin."
"And if he does?"
"Then you'll be the one running faster than a jet fighter, Nikita."

What's the difference between a revelation and a miracle?
If Jesus Christ appears before the Politburo and gave them an economic plan, it's a revelation. If the Politburo comes up with an economic plan on its own, it's a miracle.

Two men are cellmates in a gulag and they soon start talking about how they got imprisoned.
One says, "I got four years for stealing from a state market. You?"
"I'm a plumber. One day, they hired me to fix a pipe in the Kremlin. I took one look at the pipes and said the whole system needs replacing, so they gave me ten years."

Stalin was looking for his pack of cigarettes in his coat, only to find that they weren't there. He called up his chief of security, Lavrentiy Beria, and told him to look for them.
Later that day, Stalin realized that he left his cigarettes in his desk. He called Beria and told him to call off the search.
"But that's impossible!" Beria replied. "I already have signed confessions from fifty of the cigarette thieves!"

How do Soviets react when they find a mousehole in their house?
They collectivize it, so that half the mice run away and half of them die.

Why did the Soviets open fire on protesters during the Prague spring?
Because socialism always targets the common people.

Why did the Soviets never send a man to the moon?
They were afraid he wouldn't want to come back.

A Russian dies and goes to Hell, so Satan puts him in a lake of fire.
However, the man's happy. He yells out, "I'll never be cold again!"
So, Satan takes the man out of the lake of fire and puts him in an endless ocean.
The man is even happier, and he exclaims, "I'll never be thirsty again!"
Finally, Satan puts him in a lake of ice, where he's frozen up to his head.
However, the man's now crying tears of joy, and he yells, "Hell froze over! Russia is free!"

Khrushchev and Kennedy both decide to cryogenically freeze themselves for fifty years to see who ends up as the winner of the Cold War.
When they emerge fifty years later, they immediately go to a newspaper stand.
Khrushchev points triumphantly at one headline, which says 'AMERICAN COMMUNIST PARTY CHAIRMAN ANNOUNCES NEW FIVE YEAR PLAN'. "See? We won!"
However, Kennedy replies, "I wouldn't be so sure about that," and points to a headline that says 'MINOR CLASHES ON THE SINO-POLISH BORDER'.

In post-war Poland, a man is applying to join the Communist Party.
"So, what did you do during the Great Patriotic War?"
"I was a farmer and grew wheat."
"Were you a member of any bandit organizations?"
"No, commissar, this is my first one."

Capitalism is when men exploit their fellow men.
But thankfully, socialism is the other way around.

Part III follows...

A man's applying for Party membership and gets told the requirements.
"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"I have a cigarette on occasion."
"You should know that Lenin opposed unhealthy habits like tobacco."
"Then I shall quit smoking."
"Comrade Ivanov, do you drink?"
"I have vodka with dinner sometimes."
"You should know that Lenin condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall be sober."
"Comrade Ivanov, how are you with women?"
"I... indulge occasionally."
"You should know that Lenin condemned immoral behavior."
"Then I shall stop seeing women."
"Comrade Ivanov, would you sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course I would, who would want to have a life like that?"

Tito, the head of Yugoslavia, once toured a lock factory.
He sees one worker, who only managed to assemble four locks that day.
"Four locks?" Tito laughs. "When I was still working, I could make twenty in a day!"
"Ah, but Tito," the worker replies, "before the war, you were a locksmith. I was an economist."

Brezhnev once had his ministers conduct a survey on Russian Jews and whether they'd emigrate to Israel when given the chance.
"Comrade minister, how many Jews are in the Soviet Union?"
"Three to four million, Comrade Secretary."
"And how many would emigrate if they could?"
"Ten to twelve million."

How can you use a banana as a compass?
Put it on the Berlin Wall. If there's a bite missing from it, that end is pointing east.

Two former schoolmates run into each other and strike up a conversation.
"I became a schoolteacher," one says, "how about you?"
"I work for the KGB now," the other replies. "We root out dissatisfied government employees and interrogate them for counter-revolutionary ideals."
"But what about satisfied employees?"
"We report them to the Embezzlement Division."

After Lenin's death, his three most likely successors, Kamenev, Trotsky, and Stalin, were brought to a room where they would be read Lenin's will.
The will mentioned that he wanted to see if they could pass a final test of their devotion to the Soviet Union. They were given a gun and told to shoot whoever was in the next room over.
Kamenev goes in first, but comes out sobbing a minute later.
"I'm sorry, comrades. It was my mother inside, and I couldn't bring myself to shoot her for Lenin."
Trotsky goes in next, but exits crying soon after, too.
"I'd do anything for the revolution," he sobs, "but I can't shoot my poor old mother!"
Finally, Stalin goes in. The other two hear a gunshot and the sound of a scuffle. Stalin emerges several minutes later, disheveled and with scratch marks on his face.
"Those traitorous pigs!" he yelled. "They gave me blanks, so I had to strangle the old bitch!"

A Jewish boy comes home crying from school one day, describing how the other boys called him Jew-dog and hook-nose and all sorts of horrible things.
His father tries to comfort him, saying, "There, there. If you study hard and keep working, then one day, you'll be renowned as a great Russian physicist!"

A commisar is touring a local mental institution. He notices half of the men are singing the Soviet anthem, but the other half remain strangely quiet.
He pulls a nurse aside and asks, "Why aren't those men singing?"
"They're all getting better, commisar."

A man is brought before the court for defacing a poster honoring the USSR's 20th anniversary by writing 'And that's more than enough!'
The judge asks him, "How many years old are you?"
"I'm twenty-four, your honor."
"And that's more than enough!"

How do you make a Polish sandwich?
One beef coupon between two bread coupons.

A Russian Jew is at the visa office, where the clerk is trying to talk him out of immigrating to Israel.
"Why do you want to emigrate?"
"I don't really want to, but my wife insists."
"But aren't you the man of the house?"
"Her parents insist, too."
"Can't you tell her parents to leave with her while you stay?"
"But I'm the only Jew in the family."

Why did Jaruzelski (Polish communist leader) always like to sit in the front row of the theater?
So he could have the people at his back for once.

A man goes into the KGB headquarters and says "I'd like to report that my parrot is missing, it flew away this morning."
The clerk at the desk it a bit annoyed and asks, "Why do you have to bother us, why not contact your local police?"
The man replies, "I already did, but I want you to know that I don't agree with what my parrot says!"

How does every joke in the Eastern Bloc start?
With a glance over your shoulder.

Ethnic jokes follow...

A Croat, a Serb, and a Bosnian are all on vacation in Saudi Arabia, but they all get wasted and get in a fight with the police.
They're brought before an Islamic court, where the judge says, "You have committed a great sin in the eyes of Allah and are sentenced to fifty strokes of the whip each. However, because you are foreigners, you will each get one wish. The Bosnian, being our brother in faith, shall get two."
The Croat wishes to have a pillow tied to his back. However, the whip cuts through it within ten lashes, and the Croat is carried off with forty lashes on his back.
The Serb wishes for three pillows tied to his back. The whip breaks through them eventually, but he only has twenty lashes on his back.
The Bosnian thinks for a moment, and says, "For my first wish, I would like my punishment to be increased to a hundred lashes.
"For my second, I would like to have the Serb tied to my back."

A tourist sees to Montenegrins reclining beneath an apple tree with their mouths open.
"What are you two doing?" he asks.
"Waiting for dinner."
The American tourist is actually impressed by their prodigious slothfulness. "Tell you what, I'll give five dollars whichever of you two is lazier."
One holds out his hand, the other says, "Just put the money in my pocket."

The first manned mission to Mars has a rather diverse crew, with an American, a Russian, a German, and two Serbs.
When they land, they immediately start arguing over which nation can claim sovereignty over the red planet.
"Mars should belong to America, this mission couldn't happen without our funding!" the American exclaimed.
"No, Mars should be ours! Our engineers programmed the computers that got us here!" said the German.
"No, Mars belongs to Russia! We supplied the materials to build the rocket!" said the Russian.
Suddenly, one of the Serbs pulled out a gun and shot the other one point-blank in the head.
"Serbian blood has been spilled here! Mars is Serbia forever!"

- Doc

Man, you went all out here. I figured you would post a couple jokes, not a couple posts of dozens of jokes. Something spur all of this?

Those jokes would more accurately be described as 'Soviet Union/Soviet Bloc' jokes.

There are to a significant extent derivative from the older tradition of Jewish jokes.

Chuck Finley wrote:Man, you went all out here. I figured you would post a couple jokes, not a couple posts of dozens of jokes. Something spur all of this?

It came from a reddit.com/r/bestof or goodlongposts link. I forget now. I thought it was funny, and I decided to share. Maybe I was dumping my 80's pathos on the forum?

- Doc

These were recently declassified by the CIA. It was a story last month - or in recent news cycle years: sometime during the Roman empire.

When I went to Russia in the ‘80s, I heard a few of these jokes. It was the era of glasnost, and our tour guides told some wicked jokes — especially after a couple shots of vodka.

A certain ghost from our MDB past gave me permission to share these jokes:

News item in Pravda:

Tomorrow by greengrocer's on the corner of Red Square orange will be sold. That day, half of Moscow population lined up at 4.00, oppositely the Lenin Mausoleum.

At 8.00, the boss of grocery opens the door, and shouts:

"Comrades! We have orange, but not much of. Jews go home!" - then closes.

At 12.00, the boss of grocery opens the door, and shouts:

"Comrades! We have orange, but not much of. Those who not members of The Party for twenty years, go home!" - then closes.

At 16.00, the boss of grocery opens the door, and shouts:

"Comrades! We don't have orange. You are the ones who can comprehend this and everything. So go home!" - then closes.

Two of them from the long line, while are going home:

"Do you see? The jews were the most lucky again..."

The another is not a joke, even it sounds as such. It happened. One of my colleagues took part on a six months' extension course in Vladimir. The most important thing he has learned:

The green parts of spring onion (Scallion) is good to eat. Especially when it is the only fresh thing in greengroceries.