My life sucks.

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Gunnar
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Gunnar »

I too am very sorry to find out what you are going through. I don't think I am capable of providing anything nearly as profound and helpful as what has already been said by your other friends on this forum, but I hope that just the mere addition of my contribution will have at least some additional cheering effect on you. I don't always agree with everything you say, but for the most part, I do. I regard and respect you as my friend, and greatly appreciate this forum you have provided and the on-line friends I have acquired by my interaction with it.

I hope you don't find it offensive that I wish that it were possible for you and your wife to rekindle whatever caused you both to fall in love and marry each other in the first place, and build on it for your mutual benefit and happiness, for both your sakes. If that is not in the cards for you, I hope that both of you eventually find more and better happiness with someone else than you ever experienced together.
No precept or claim is more suspect or more likely to be false than one that can only be supported by invoking the claim of Divine authority for it--no matter who or what claims such authority.
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Kishkumen
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Kishkumen »

Dr. Shades wrote:
Thu Nov 25, 2021 1:21 pm
This thread isn’t meant to excuse myself from the sock-puppet thread—I’ll get back to it—but I have hinted at some severe setbacks in my professional life. They were actually bad enough that I broke down into abject tears and needed to be driven home and speak to a chaplain at one point. I eventually had to self-demote two steps and take two cuts in pay just to extricate myself from a situation that had become utterly unbearable. I’ll give details later. Thank goodness they granted me extended time off.

As for right now, though, after 26 years of marriage my divorce was finalized two days ago. I’m staying in the home. Today was her last day here—we kept living together throughout the entire process—and I was initially happy and relieved . . . .
Shades, I am really bummed about all the stress coming down on you. I hope you see more sunshine in the coming days. Know that we are pulling for you, and that we care, and that we are appreciative of all of the great things you have done for Mormon Discussions over the years, from its very beginning. Without you, we would not be here together. That is huge. Amazing to think. I have been posting here for about 15 years. A member of a community that has seen people come and go but has a strong core of participants through all of those years. So many people have been through their faith transitions while posting here. We have seen this. We have watched apologists become critics. We have seen a couple of critics rejoin the LDS Church. We watched FARMS join BYU, and the Maxwell Institute eject DCP. So many interesting developments over the years, and you have helped keep this a great place to talk about all of the developments in the world of Mormonism. Don't think that this goes unnoticed or unappreciated. You have a community that cares about you and is thankful for your hard work and friendship.

On a more personal note, I had a blast meeting you and chatting with you the couple of times we have been able to interact over all this time. Those are memorable times for me, and I am really happy you are part of those great memories.
“If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about the answers.”~Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow
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Some Schmo
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Some Schmo »

K Graham wrote:
Fri Nov 26, 2021 3:30 am
Dr. Shades wrote:
Thu Nov 25, 2021 1:58 pm
All the reasons I wanted a divorce so badly for so many years have melted away.
The reasons you wanted a divorce for so long are still there and I think you should try remind yourself of those things in order to help you realize you're probably much better off now.
One thing I've learned as I've aged is the reason the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. It's completely a function of our focus. When you're on one side of the fence, you're looking at the other side and only focusing on all the good stuff you see there, and when you look at your own side, you focus on what's bad. So you hop the fence and start enjoying all the stuff you envied, but over time, you begin to notice all the stuff that's not so great on this side. You may even start to romanticize the side you came from, remembering only the good and forgetting what made you leave in the first place. Both sides had good and bad all along, but we only focus on certain parts of either, depending on where we are.

What Kevin said is absolutely true. Keep reminding yourself of the reasons you left your old side of the fence, and try to focus on what's good about this side. It's tough to do when you're in pain, I know, but when I've been in these kinds of situations, it's what I find is most helpful to me.
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Dr. Shades
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Dr. Shades »

WARNING: LONG!

Folks, I can't thank all of you enough for your kindness and advice, both here in the thread and via private message. I couldn't fall asleep until around 9:00 a.m. yesterday morning, and had to be up at 3:00 p.m. to get ready and head over to Thanksgiving dinner with my mother and stepfather. I really need to be thankful that I have them close by and that they're both retired and let me come in whenever (as long as they're awake, I suppose!).

My ex-wife (it feels weird to type that) left the state to enjoy Thanksgiving with a friend, so even though she got the three cats in the divorce I am cat-sitting right now until December 10. My ex-stepdaughter and her husband and child went out of town to enjoy it with one of her siblings-in-law, so I'm cat-sitting their cat, too, who used to be ours for quite a few years. So I'm also fortunate, and should be thankful, that I have four furry friends to keep me company in their own way. So, I feel very much alone in this house, but I'm not TOTALLY alone. I can hardly bear to consider how much more difficult this would be be without them.

When I woke up this afternoon I felt normal. Not overwhelmed, depressed, or sad. My first impression was that all of your prayers, well-wishes, and positive vibes did the trick. THANK YOU for granting me some relief! I got home rather late, and Don Bradley, one of our members--that's the handle he goes by, so it's okay--had hand-delivered a note to my door with his phone number. We had a conversation that lasted over two hours, and he taught me some things I didn't know and gave me some pointers I'd never considered. I typed them up so I wouldn't forget them. I'll do my best to keep them in mind. Throughout this entire divorce process, I referred to her to everyone as "my soon-to-be-ex-wife." But during this conversation, I verbally called her "my ex-wife" out loud for the very, very first time. For whatever reason, speaking those words hit me very hard and I began losing my composure. I'm getting close to losing it now.

Regarding this thread, I have read and seriously pondered each post, then read several of them a second time. Your words were just what the doctor ordered and I profusely thank you all for all of them.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I only cried twice tonight (so far), so that's a major improvement. Yet I stayed awake until now, 7:28 a.m., watching T.V. and then reading the rest of these posts and responding to your private messages, because--and I admit this is a bit odd--I'm actually afraid to go to sleep. It was last night, prior to typing up the opening post of this thread on my phone, that the pain and heartache hit me the hardest. I cried so hard that my nasal passages swelled and closed off. At one point I raised my head from my pillow, looked down the hallway, saw the emptiness thereof, and was struck by the fact that this is all very, very real now--then wept bitterly. I wasn't just theorizing how it'd be to have the home to myself and be able to arrange things or de-clutter to my heart's content. Most of her stuff being gone, that used to be here, is reminding me of her being gone, too. Although all her excess "stuff" annoyed the heck out of me all these years, there's literal emptiness now where there used to be "life." All those things were signs that we were both alive and living together, if that makes any sense. I thought I'd enjoy having so much extraneous stuff gone, but now there's nothingness. A literal void. A void where she used to be.

Oh damn, maybe I shouldn't have typed that last sentence. I'm losing it now. My apologies. None of that was meant to discount anything you all, especially K Graham, said. I'm just keepin' it real regarding how I'm feeling. . . and putting off getting into my bed, all alone. I am, quite literally, afraid to do so.

Thank you for reading, and despite all the great advice so far I'm still in desperate need of prayers, well-wishes, and positive vibes.
"It’s ironic that the Church that people claim to be true, puts so much effort into hiding truths."
--I Have Questions, 01-25-2024
Dr Exiled
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Dr Exiled »

Dr. Shades wrote:
Fri Nov 26, 2021 2:32 pm
Thank you for reading, and despite all the great advice so far I'm still in desperate need of prayers, well-wishes, and positive vibes.
You have tons of friends here. You have all my prayers, well-wishes and positive vibes. You'll get through this!
Myth is misused by the powerful to subjugate the masses all too often.
doubtingthomas
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by doubtingthomas »

I hope you are taking medication. You need it.
"I have the type of (REAL) job where I can choose how to spend my time," says Marcus. :roll:
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Gadianton
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Gadianton »

So I'm also fortunate, and should be thankful, that I have four furry friends to keep me company in their own way.
It's a hugely noble thing that you are taking care of those four cats.
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Kishkumen
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Kishkumen »

I am happy to hear that you were able to connect with Don, Shades. I know he values your friendship and that he is a very thoughtful guy with a lot of wisdom to impart. It heartens me that your friends are reaching out to you and showing that they care. Nothing can fill a new void in your life right away. It takes time. But it helps to know that a lot of people do care about you and benefit so much from everything you have given them. Whatever one wants to make of the larger Mormon community, which includes our beloved Nevermos, it is kind of a family. Thank you for being a pillar of that family.
“If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about the answers.”~Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow
msnobody
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by msnobody »

Kishkumen wrote:
Fri Nov 26, 2021 5:39 pm
I am happy to hear that you were able to connect with Don, Shades. I know he values your friendship and that he is a very thoughtful guy with a lot of wisdom to impart. It heartens me that your friends are reaching out to you and showing that they care. Nothing can fill a new void in your life right away. It takes time. But it helps to know that a lot of people do care about you and benefit so much from everything you have given them. Whatever one wants to make of the larger Mormon community, which includes our beloved Nevermos, it is kind of a family. Thank you for being a pillar of that family.
Very well said.
The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession... The LORD set his love on you and chose you... The LORD has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery. Deut. 7
Philo Sofee
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Re: My life sucks.

Post by Philo Sofee »

Shades,
I just got the news. Man I know how it sucks, but there is life continuing on. Sending GOOD vibes your way amigo! I so much appreciate all you have done for so many of us who have been recipients of dedication to allowing free speech and truly no censorship based on silly things like other message boards do. This message board is the greatest thing on the internet, and I don't say that lightly. I have no sage advice, because I am no sage, however I will say the way one builds strength and muscle is to add stress. It is in the opposition, the pressure that one is forged, and so, perhaps this is one of your moments just before the sunlight of butterfly-hood occurs as you emerge from your cocoon.

BEST wishes always bruthuh!
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