My life sucks.

[Kukulkan]

No financial rut or hole you place yourself in will ever be worse than lacking or poor mental sanity, especially in the context of a relationship. While this divorce may have placed you in a less than ideal financial situation, at least you no longer have to deal with the reasons that led you to the divorce. Having been in a less than ideal relationship in the past as well, reading your words remind me of the exact same questions I asked myself after I cut things off. It gets better. It really does. The mental clarity and happiness I have today that I know I would not have had if I had stayed with that person is worth more than any resulted debt, mortgage, etc.

As for your loneliness, I know you mentioned that having the cats around helped somewhat with the feeling of loneliness. Perhaps you could get a cat or two to keep you company? Local shelters often have really good deals when it comes to adopting animals. Usually you can get one that is already microchipped, fixed and vaccinated for less than $100. Obviously it doesn't replace human interaction or companionship, but having a pet around helps with cutting away at the complete feeling of loneliness. If you are feeling like you need something more hands on to keep your mind better occupied, maybe a dog would be better, though that is obviously a much bigger commitment than a cat. It might not be in the cards to have a pet right now, so if this suggestion is outright nonrealistic I completely understand.

All in all, it will get better. Day by day. It is cliché, but take this time you have while you are alone to try to work on the things you missed out on over the years. Do something YOU want to do. Treat yourself. Doesn't have to be complicated or intricate, but something for yourself. I am relatively new on the board and I don't know you as well as some of the other people here, but my heart goes out to you and I am keeping you in my thoughts.

[ajax18]

Folks, I'm having an existential crisis: If I had stayed married, I would've had my mortgage paid off in another three years, then I could've retired and never worked again. Unfortunately for me, she got half my retirement and I had to buy out her half of the equity in the home, so now I'm back to a 30-year mortgage and can never afford to retire. I ask myself whether it would've been worth putting up with all her crap and never having, uh, meaningful female companionship ever again if the reward would've been financial security and never having to work again. Did I make the right choice? I almost choke when I think of all the money I'll have to pay out over the next 30 years,

Retirement is a myth. If you'd stayed in the marriage she could have ran up credit card debt and got you that way. Just be thankful that you've got a career and a job that you can do until you drop. That's the only real secure source of income in the world today anyway.

It makes me think of the Shawshank redemption quote, "These walls are funny. At first you hate them. Then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so that you depend on them. That's institutionalized." Perhaps in ways a bad marriage can be that. It's hard to go back far enough and remember what you wanted to do in life before it was taken from you. It's time to rediscover and reinvent yourself and take advantage of the time and space you've been given. I envy you having this opportunity in life.

[Jersey Girl]

Moving right along here...rowing the boat as it were...

Thanks to EVERYONE who posted in this thread. I have read and hope to incorporate every word.

UPDATE, from least to most important:

Folks, I'm having an existential crisis: If I had stayed married, I would've had my mortgage paid off in another three years, then I could've retired and never worked again. Unfortunately for me, she got half my retirement and I had to buy out her half of the equity in the home, so now I'm back to a 30-year mortgage and can never afford to retire. I ask myself whether it would've been worth putting up with all her crap and never having, uh, meaningful female companionship ever again if the reward would've been financial security and never having to work again. Did I make the right choice? I almost choke when I think of all the money I'll have to pay out over the next 30 years, all the potential money I lost from my retirement, and all the hours I'll have to work from this point forward that I otherwise wouldn't've had to. Remember the old "this is your brain on drugs" commercials? Well, that's how my brain feels when I contemplate these agonizing consequences.

You do NOT have to pay on your house for the next 30 years! You can if you want to, but you are not forever stuck with the house or the mortgage. In any case, do not make so much as a move (literally) on the house. Do not make ANY major decisions right now.

Here's my other, more immediate problem: Although I feel as though I'm more or less over her, another issue has arisen: Extreme loneliness. You see, she got our three cats in the divorce, so now my home really is "empty" as far as life and company are concerned. (Less importantly, It's also empty in the literal sense. I'm borderline amazed at how few material possessions in the home were actually mine. Even after she took her stuff and departed, she left behind a huge amount of useless crap that I've had to throw out bit by bit. And to add insult to injury, she colored her hair the last night she was there, leaving permanent stains all over the linoleum.)

Fending off making negative remarks about your ex-spouse. Continuing on...

Rather than feeling proud that I finally have a place that's all mine--or, more accurately, the bank's, but you know what I mean--my home actually feels oppressive to be in. I nearly always dread returning there. So, I've looked for any and all excuses to be anywhere else but there. Unfortunately, that's where my desktop computer is, so I'm not logging in and reading or posting here like I used to. I've only done cursory scans on my cell phone. So, that's why it appears as though I've been ignoring my own board.

I can understand what you are saying there. I think you can be proud of having a place that's all yours...when you begin to make it yours. It must feel kind of dystopian right now. Like scorched earth type thing. Do you want to try changing that? Little by little? Here are some ideas for changing up small spaces. Maybe something will click with you. If nothing clicks at all, consider the fact that you may be un-clickable right now and return to these ideas some other time. And when you do that, maybe this post will spark other ideas.

1. You say your desktop computer is in the home. Do you have a home office? Would you like to create a home office?

2. When you are not devastated by a major life change, what hobbies are your old favorites? Drawing? Do you have a space for that? Would you like to make one?

3. Do you like to drink coffee? Hot cocoa? Consider making a space just for that in your kitchen area. A little coffee or hot cocoa bar area. Do you have a Keurig? Would you like a small Keurig for your home?

4. Do you like to relax with television? Do you have a favorite place you like to sit or lay down to do that? Would you read in the same space? Would you want to fix that area up so that it's completely comfortable for you and so that it's a treat to be there?

5. Grow something. How about a cat and a spider plant to go with it? If you've never been a plant person, you could be a plant person now. Plus the cat will like to chew on the leaves. Consider growing cat nip. Consider naming your cat Jersey. Okay, that's too pushy.

6. Hang something. Get your camera (phone camera?) and go out and take photos of stuff you like. Nature? Mountains? Signs you see around your town? Take them to Walmart or wherever, enlarge and frame them. Hang them on the wall. If you get a cat, you can do cat photography.

Pick something. Just pick one little thing that you can work on to make it more authentically yours. Notice what you like in other people's house so far as style. What's your style?

I know you don't want to talk about this stuff right now, but those are some ideas for beginning to make your home...really your home. A can of paint goes a long way to refreshing a space. Think about it.

Surround yourself with what you love. That is what makes your home belong to you.

Your thoughts and prayers over the distance have helped me get through the toughest time immediately following my divorce, but I'm very sad to report that my life still sucks.

Thank you for reading.

Dear Dr. Shades,

I am writing to tell you sorry that your life sucks. If I could make it unsuck, I would do it right now. But I tell you the hard truth, Dr. Shades. The only person who can unsuck your life, is you. It might take a long time before you feel like unsucking your life. I will stay here with you and keep you company from afar until you are ready to start unsucking it all, okay? I can stay as long as it takes.

You will do it, Dr. Shades. I know you will. You will take the suck out of your life and you will do it when you are damn sick and tired of feeling like this. Or sick of feeling nothing at all. And when you realize that you deserve and want more for yourself. That's when you will do it, Dr. Shades.

Until you are ready, I remain...

Ever in your Service and Praying,
The Jersey Girl

[Moksha]

7. Video games for your PC. Consider Skyrim SE and Fallout 4. Many thousands of user mods have been made to increase your playing enjoyment. As a game companion, Inigo stays loyal to you through thick and thin. Best wishes.

[doubtingthomas]

Rather than feeling proud that I finally have a place that's all mine--or, more accurately, the bank's, but you know what I mean--my home actually feels oppressive to be in.

Why are you bothering with a new mortgage? Isn't it better for you to get an apartment for seniors?

[Doctor CamNC4Me]

Rather than feeling proud that I finally have a place that's all mine--or, more accurately, the bank's, but you know what I mean--my home actually feels oppressive to be in. I nearly always dread returning there. So, I've looked for any and all excuses to be anywhere else but there.

Art. The home is your blank canvas to reflect your being to the world. It is the outward expression of the inner mind, body, and spirit. The color of your home reflects the primal nature of your being and the mood you evoke from the core being of who you are. You. Your spirit. Your mind. Act upon this canvas and express your spirit, and in turn the canvas will act upon you and align your spirit. Do art in your home, because it’ll do back to you every time your eyes see it, and then it’ll move your spirit back into alignment because the art you create or place in your home is reciprocal in nature.



Sound. Fill your space with your sound. Every morning, for example, I play a tonal, meditative track from the YouTube channel Meditative Mind. Between the curated space and the tonality of the music my home is a temple, and I’m a monk.



Scent. Fill your space with scents that evoke and calm your spirit. Especially in the mornings.

Mindful practices. For example, after I set the stage in the morning with lighting, sound, and scents I prepare for my morning cigar. I make ‘analog’ coffee. I boil the water, and pour it over the coffee grounds into a carafe. I carefully let the water absorb into the grounds, and then I observe it. I continue this repetition, slowly pouring water over the grounds until the carafe is full. I am part of this process, by my hands, and it balances me out in the moment.



What you’ve been seeking, in the back of your mind for all these years will come. You released the things from your life that have thrown you out of balance, and now it’s a matter of you. It’s time to tend your own garden. What an opportunity, brother. Make the most of it.

- Doc

[Gadianton]

Pick something. Just pick one little thing that you can work on to make it more authentically yours. Notice what you like in other people's house so far as style. What's your style?

guaranteed that's what she's going to do next, but while I totally agree with you in principle, remember that Shades is a dude. The average guy would be happy to live out of a motel 6 and work as a janitor if at the same time, he's in a romantic relationship (and that means slightly different things for different guys).

Ajax unwittingly makes a good point. The protestant work ethic for Ajax means doing something you hate until you die because you have no choice. But imagine loneliness yet with the financial means to retire and never work again. That's a dangerous combination. So Ajax is kind of right.

My preference would be go the Jersey Girl / Cam route, but I'd start by ripping out that god-damned linoleum like a man and replacing it. However, adjusting for bias to the extend I can, I'd say do what Dr. E suggested and find group activities. Well, sounds like Shades is already doing that to some extent. I might go a step farther and say build on his newly found belief in God and find a church. Not Mormon. But show up at random churches on Sundays, that will get a lot of attention and initial interaction, and then see where it leads.

But ultimately, that coffee corner or art hanging project is going to be really important and for a lot of reasons that haven't even been discussed yet.

[Marcus]

Pick something. Just pick one little thing that you can work on to make it more authentically yours. Notice what you like in other people's house so far as style. What's your style?

guaranteed that's what she's going to do next, but while I totally agree with you in principle, remember that Shades is a dude. The average guy would be happy to live out of a motel 6 and work as a janitor if at the same time, he's in a romantic relationship (and that means slightly different things for different guys).

...But ultimately, that coffee corner or art hanging project is going to be really important and for a lot of reasons that haven't even been discussed yet.

yea, the decorating thing would just feel like another chore to me. I'd almost suggest hiring somebody to do it, but if money is an issue then at the very least hire someone to do the housework. That can be just basic to keep the expenses down, but it in my opinion cuts down on mental aggravation a LOT which seems crucial now for Shades. The last time I lived alone I paid $50 a week (I know I know, it was decades ago and cheap)for someone to do all that shite and it felt like the biggest luxury possible for the cheapest price.

But hanging some art could work. Doc really seems to enjoy his cigar thing too, I think I'd add that if I lived alone or with someone not bothered by it.

[Jersey Girl]

GAd I know he's a guy. I'm doing the best I can here. I still go with changing the environment and honoring yourself by treating yourself kindly.

I like the idea of demo-ing the floor. Rip it up. Crush it. Stomp on it and then ceremoniously shove it into the trash can or dumpster. Ceremonies are a good thing. A real good thing in my experience!

LVP is very popular right now. Easy to install, easy to measure and cut, and seems to hold up to the waterproof claims.

The reading nook idea...I was just thinking from reading your post, Gad, that he could also use that for Bible study and/or prayer if he is so inclined. I made such a space in my own home where I've got one of those IKEA Ektorp chairs with the ottoman. It's near a large window and has a Himalayan salt lamp with a nice warm glow. Fairly lights in other parts of the room in clear lanterns, LED candles. I'm all about light and scent. And tactile stuff like furry throw on the ottoman so I feel it with my bare feet.

Anyway...I read there, do Bible study, and that's where I do my online classes that I take every winter. I have a little folding desk type thing I put the lap top on for my courses. That area belongs to ME. I do Yoga in the same space in front of the chair area.

I like what Cam suggested. I think what both of us are leaning towards is the creation of rituals and places to do them. Rituals are comforting and centering to us as human beings.

ETA: I just re-read your post, Gad. About guys being able to live out of a Motel 6. I guarantee you that the guy over here would be extremely happy to live in a warehouse.

[Jersey Girl]

guaranteed that's what she's going to do next, but while I totally agree with you in principle, remember that Shades is a dude. The average guy would be happy to live out of a motel 6 and work as a janitor if at the same time, he's in a romantic relationship (and that means slightly different things for different guys).

...But ultimately, that coffee corner or art hanging project is going to be really important and for a lot of reasons that haven't even been discussed yet.

yea, the decorating thing would just feel like another chore to me. I'd almost suggest hiring somebody to do it, but if money is an issue then at the very least hire someone to do the housework. That can be just basic to keep the expenses down, but it in my opinion cuts down on mental aggravation a LOT which seems crucial now for Shades. The last time I lived alone I paid $50 a week (I know I know, it was decades ago and cheap)for someone to do all that shite and it felt like the biggest luxury possible for the cheapest price.

But hanging some art could work. Doc really seems to enjoy his cigar thing too, I think I'd add that if I lived alone or with someone not bothered by it.

I posed questions to help him think about what he likes to do and make a space for it. To honor himself and his interests. I did mention photography and framing what he shoots. Also mentioned considering styles and painting, depending on what stage of grief he's in and suggested he revisit the thread and comments as he moves forward.

I also mentioned getting a spider plant and a cat, and calling the cat Jersey. I don't think that's crossing a boundary. One plant, one cat, does not constitute decorating. It constitutes feeding the cat and choosing a good name.

I didn't tell him to decorate per se. I guess that depends on one's definition of decorating. I dunno.