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Speaking as a person far away who only knows you in a limited sense I would still place a hand on your shoulder and say that I and we wish you to make it through this time.

That is a great post, Doc. Thanks for sharing with us.

Shades, I can only echo the sentiments expressed here that you absolutely should lean on this community (one you have poured so much effort into) during your trying time.

I have little to offer you other than what has been a great line of thinking for me in overcoming these troubling life challenges. I touched on it briefly in my return to the forum, Shadowloss. Although a lot of the references in that are referential to COVID issues Imperi's thoughts extend well beyond that scope, her initial brush with the concept was over serious health issues. You can find her TEDx talk on it here. One critical part of her thinking is understanding that with loss comes community, both those that have experienced your specific loss but also in understanding that we have all experienced loss and because of that we are bound together in many ways. You are truly never alone and you'll find that you have as much support as you'll let into your life.

There are those that are likely much better listeners or helpers here and I hope you'll reach out to them, or to me, or to anyone.

I can share with you my perspective 5 years out from the divorce. It gets better. It gets so much better. But not for a long time.

You’ll have endless nights where you just ruminate on the past and her and life feels completely wrong. But it gets better, I promise. Time heals the hurt.

Keep in touch with family and friends. Don’t be embarrassed to lean on them.

Not lame at all, Shades. I actually came here just now because I’m going through some stuff myself, and find community here, in a way I suppose only I can understand.
If I lived near you, I would come over and weep alongside you. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Please know that we care about you and empathize with you. Hopefully by now, you have been able to get some sleep.
My heart goes out to you my friend. Praying for you.

I'm sorry things suck for you just now Shades. Luckily you're one cool cat, so... Hopefully your dark days will be short lived.

Dr. Shades wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 25, 2021 1:58 pm

All the reasons I wanted a divorce so badly for so many years have melted away.

The reasons you wanted a divorce for so long are still there and I think you should try remind yourself of those things in order to help you realize you're probably much better off now. I wish you were closer to Atlanta, because I'd totally hook you up with a beautiful friend (Asian too!) who went through a divorce just last year. You're still young and the possibilities for you are endless if you just focus your attention on set goals.

Divorce sucks. I went through my parents divorce when I was 12, and after nearly 20 years of marriage my wife and I nearly divorced at least a couple of times. From what I remember you telling me that night we had dinner together in Utah, this woman was never good for you, and in my opinion the worst thing you can do right now is try to convince yourself she is everything you need. She isn't. But that's what people naturally do during breakups, and I cannot explain why, but I remember having these same kinds of thoughts after a tragic breakup I had while in my early twenties. She was wrong for me in probably every way imaginable, and after the breakup I began to exaggerate to myself how awesome she was. Sound familiar? But over time I began to think how crazy I was to think that, even laughing at myself over the way I was making her out to be my true love, etc.

I know you're hurting but time will heal this wound. Don't do anything crazy right now. If you need help with anything, you can hit me up on Facebook or just call me anytime.

I have two phone calls into you, Shades!

You owe me at least one back.

I’ve been there. Twice.

The thing you can’t see now is it gets better.

Even better than it was before.

Trust me on this.

Love you bro!

Shades, best wishes to you. Time heals all wounds. Hoping next year brings you happiness on Thanksgiving Day.

Let me add my good wishes to you Shades. Lots of good people on here willing to talk. Talk. Talk to those you know. It will help. You’re not the first to experience what you’re currently going through, you won’t be the last. It’s a beginning not and end. Find your inner Marine and allow time to do its job. I too can validate from personal experience the idea that it does get better. It does.

Dr. Shades wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 25, 2021 1:58 pm

All the reasons I wanted a divorce so badly for so many years have melted away. At least I had companionship. Shouldn’t that have counted for something?

This is so, so hard. I’m in so much pain right now. What have I done?

I’m reminded of Yoda’s reveal in The Empire Strikes Back. Referring to Luke, he said, “Long have I watched this one. Always his mind on adventure. The horizon. Never his mind on where he was. What he was doing.” Focusing so much on my annoyances and how much better off I thought I’d be without her, did I fail to sit down, focus, and concentrate on what I had or what I could do to improve things? Did I really do everything in my power?

Oh man, this hurts. This hurts so badly. So incredibly badly. My gosh, this is just so, so hard.

Oh, Shades....I'm so sorry....

Companionship, though? No, it's not enough. You deserve someone who's in love with you.

I wish I could just take a magic wand and wave your pain away. Or at least give you an image of the future where the pain will be gone.

I'm glad you have friends here to lean on. Even people like me who don't know you appreciate you very much!

**consensual hugs** The pain WILL heal. I promise.