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Hey Shades,

Divorce (and the events leading up to it) was one of the worst things I ever had to go through. Even though I was the one who initially requested a divorce, I cried all the time. I went through phases where I wanted him back, even though he was just as terrible as he'd always been, because I was afraid of life without him after 10-11 years of marriage. I was afraid him "being a better man" was just around the corner and if I lost him he was going to go and be that better man for someone else and I was going to miss it. It was hard to let go.

There was a group of people from this message board who, in private, were my lifeline and my support group. Blixa, Kishkumen, Stakhanovite, Seth Payne, Darth J, asbestosman, Runtu, and some others. They held my hand regularly and let me just cry and vent. Seth Payne even gave me an unsecured loan so I could get my own car and not have to share a car with my ex; I paid Seth back every dime within 2 years, but it was an incredible gesture on his part.

My divorce was finalized on 10-29-14. I'm sitting here 7 years later and divorce is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm remarried to a kind man who loves my older two like his own, we have a toddler together, we own a five-bedroom house that we love, we're financially comfortable, I'm a blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and I'm just about to wrap up the first semester of my PhD work. I also have a chill job with good benefits that I love. 10-29-13, the day that I got up the nerve to tell my now-ex-husband that it was over and I wanted a divorce, I never knew any of this stuff was possible. I didn't know life could actually be blissful and peaceful and balanced.

I won't say much about my XH, but trust me when I say he is very much the same person he was when I divorced, with the same struggles. He has not grown or changed in 7 years. If I had stayed, I would still be miserable.

Hang in there. My hope is that, in 7 years, you'll be looking back in gratitude for your own divorce, too.

- BJJ

Dr. Shades wrote: ↑

Fri Nov 26, 2021 2:32 pm

WARNING: LONG!

...
At one point I raised my head from my pillow, looked down the hallway, saw the emptiness thereof, ...

Even though this is a religion-related board, you know you don't have to try to impress us with biblical/Book of Mormon language, right?

You're among friends

Virtual {{{ Dr Shades }}} Hugs!

ETA: Shades, My wife & daughter tell me that I'm insensitive, and that my sense of so-called humour will be the death of me some day.
If you find the above comment to be offensive in any way, I apologise - I was simply trying to give you a little smile.

I almost feel like I shouldn't post anything in this (sacred?) thread; you've got great people in here that have imparted wonderful advice.

I've been on/off this forum, under different handles, for more than a decade. I came to the trailer park an active Mormon and left a changed man that viewed the mystery of life in a drastically new way that has ultimately been of a great benefit to me. I certainly have you to thank for that.

Here's my best to you to get through a rough time. Maybe even look into Stoicism and how these Greek thinkers dealt with tragedy and loss. They give great practical advice that still applies to our situations centuries later. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy even takes many methods from the great Stoics.

Well worth looking into. Good luck. The new life awaits you and it doesn't have to be a dark cloud.

Dear Everyone,

Please forgive my delinquency. Your prayers, well-wishes, and positive vibes did the trick! The third night I came dangerously close to crying but didn't actually do it. The fourth night I was more or less fine. I'm usually O.K. when I wake up but am depressed on occasion.

To summarize, your kindness over the distances made a HUGE difference. Thanks to you, I'll make it through this much quicker than would've otherwise been the case. I can't thank you enough!

Dr. Shades wrote: ↑

Fri Dec 10, 2021 4:01 pm

Dear Everyone,

Please forgive my delinquency. Your prayers, well-wishes, and positive vibes did the trick! The third night I came dangerously close to crying but didn't actually do it. The fourth night I was more or less fine. I'm usually O.K. when I wake up but am depressed on occasion.

To summarize, your kindness over the distances made a HUGE difference. Thanks to you, I'll make it through this much quicker than would've otherwise been the case. I can't thank you enough!

May each day suck less than the day before it, Shades. You are valued here.

I am all for a decline of suckage as the days pass. Best wishes, Shades!

Nourish your Soul

Shades, i happened in this morning and saw this thread. I am.very sorry for the extreme pain you are going through. Day by day. Minute by .Minute if you have to.
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks to EVERYONE who posted in this thread. I have read and hope to incorporate every word.

UPDATE, from least to most important:

Folks, I'm having an existential crisis: If I had stayed married, I would've had my mortgage paid off in another three years, then I could've retired and never worked again. Unfortunately for me, she got half my retirement and I had to buy out her half of the equity in the home, so now I'm back to a 30-year mortgage and can never afford to retire. I ask myself whether it would've been worth putting up with all her crap and never having, uh, meaningful female companionship ever again if the reward would've been financial security and never having to work again. Did I make the right choice? I almost choke when I think of all the money I'll have to pay out over the next 30 years, all the potential money I lost from my retirement, and all the hours I'll have to work from this point forward that I otherwise wouldn't've had to. Remember the old "this is your brain on drugs" commercials? Well, that's how my brain feels when I contemplate these agonizing consequences.

Here's my other, more immediate problem: Although I feel as though I'm more or less over her, another issue has arisen: Extreme loneliness. You see, she got our three cats in the divorce, so now my home really is "empty" as far as life and company are concerned. (Less importantly, It's also empty in the literal sense. I'm borderline amazed at how few material possessions in the home were actually mine. Even after she took her stuff and departed, she left behind a huge amount of useless crap that I've had to throw out bit by bit. And to add insult to injury, she colored her hair the last night she was there, leaving permanent stains all over the linoleum.) Rather than feeling proud that I finally have a place that's all mine--or, more accurately, the bank's, but you know what I mean--my home actually feels oppressive to be in. I nearly always dread returning there. So, I've looked for any and all excuses to be anywhere else but there. Unfortunately, that's where my desktop computer is, so I'm not logging in and reading or posting here like I used to. I've only done cursory scans on my cell phone. So, that's why it appears as though I've been ignoring my own board.

Your thoughts and prayers over the distance have helped me get through the toughest time immediately following my divorce, but I'm very sad to report that my life still sucks.

Thank you for reading.

First things first. What did you try on the floor stains? Give me a list.