Generation X's Method of Parenting

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Vēritās
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Vēritās »

Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 3:44 pm
Just so you don’t feel like the odd duck out, I was raised in similar circumstances by Silent Gen types; my father being raised by people that by today’s standards would be in jail.
Thanks. I had a strong feeling I wasn't alone here but I can understand why others wouldn't disclose similar experiences.
Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 3:44 pm
With hindsight and wisdom I realize they were just people trying the best they could, being handed a very difficult hand of cards themselves, and as such I try to be forgiving. However, that crap sticks and it’s definitely a process to come to terms with it.
For real. I don't know how hard it really was for my Mom though. I hear stories about how she was raised poor in Po-dunk Alabama. She talks about the first time they got an actual toilet when she was 12, and how it was such a luxury from having to use the outhouse in the middle of the night. She married my Dad when he was at Ft. Benning when she was just 16. She almost immediately got pregnant in Germany when they were stationed overseas, and then gave birth to me when she was just 17. She had three kids by the time she was 23, but being the quintessential southerner, she was an excellent cook and tended to her expected duties of cooking and cleaning, far surpassing anyone's expectations. But emotionally she was an erratic time bomb, and I was usually the vehicle in which she unleashed her frustrations. My parents divorced when I was 10, after their experiment with "Open Marriage" didn't pan out (I learned about all of this years later from both grandparents). Dad was rarely home and he was sleeping with other women my Mom knew. He never abused us, but he never really took much interest in us either. He sure as hell never stopped his wife from abusing us and I remember my Mom waking us up at least once a week (sometimes more) late on a school night, to pack us all in our super tiny Subaru to drive out to get Dad. "He's out in the field" was the excuse we heard over and over, but later I learned from my Mom that this was just code for him being hammered at the officer's club and he couldn't afford another DUI.

During all this time, my Mom was having an affair with our next door neighbor who was also married. Two years after the divorce she ended up marrying that guy. So, I've known my step-Dad since I was two years old.

My brother and sister were rarely abused, but it did happen on occasion, usually when I wasn't around. I think it had something to do with me being the black sheep in the family. My brother and sister looked like my Mom. My sister was her "mini-me" and they both had long straight hair all the way down past their knees like Crystal Gayle (that 70's style). They were all good looking and popular, dark hair, dark eyes, prominent facial features, etc. Whereas I was the chubby faced kid with pale skin and freckles. I was ugly an I knew it and it felt just so out of place with my family. Kids at school couldn't believe those two popular kids in the lower grades were actually my siblings and people would sometimes straight up ask my parents if I was adopted, right in front of me.

It's weird now because my Mom treats my kids the way she never treated us. She showers them with affection and encourages them in everything they do. Whenever my Mom comes over for gatherings she hugs everyone but she and I only hug sometimes because there is always that awkward silence between us that I don't think will ever go away. I hate it because I know the rest of the family picks up on it and they probably assume it has something to do with me being a bad son, because all they see is this wonderful grandmother.
I think maybe for us some of that history surfaces here and there, either within a relationship or with child rearing, and we feel a lot of guilt over it because we know better, but we failed to shake off all of the negative programming. All you can do is note it, discuss it with affected parties, and keep trying to do better.
That's true. It is probably why I talk more about personal stuff here than I should. Because in my real life I'm unable to talk about it at all. I can't talk about religion because everyone else I know is religious and it's like trying to speak to Germans in Italian. I can't talk about politics because everyone here is a Trumper and any remark, no matter how innocuous, will trigger a firestorm that will result in family members ignoring one another for months. I can't talk about personal family issues because the entire family has been living on a level of denial that's somewhere in the upper stratosphere. The only time I can remember the subject ever coming up was about 20 years ago when someone at the house (not family) made a comment about spanking kids, and I made some sarcastic remark like, "Yep, been there done that." When I said that my Mom went absolutely ballistic and said, "Kevin! I never laid a finger on you. Isn't that right Jack?" Jack, being my step-Dad who willingly lies for her and once explained to us that husbands and wives have to be on the same page no matter what, even if it means lying. He'd rather just go along with a lie than have to deal with my Mom's wrath if he dares contradict her on something so sensitive as that.

But what's the point in even telling people at this point, least of all the people who were guilty of doing it? All it does is push them away farther because they'll have it in their minds that I could at any moment drop a truth bomb in front of other people and that would ruin their imagined reputations as wonderful Christian people.
And bribe a kid with a car. Heh.
Word.
Last edited by Vēritās on Mon Aug 29, 2022 7:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I am not an American ... In my view premarital sex should be illegal ...(there are) mentally challenged people with special needs like myself- Ajax18
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Vēritās »

I will say there was one incident where I felt like my Mom was actually showing some level of love towards me, but only after she calmed down from the monster phase. Shortly after the divorce we moved into a small rental home, and I remember I got in trouble for something (it was usually minor stuff that my siblings could get away with without punishment) and my Mom was whipping me with the belt when I didn't even have my jeans on, as I usually did. I was only in my underwear because I was changing cloths or about to shower, don't remember exactly which. The whips were so painful I couldn't just stay there bent over as I usually would, so I had to try to move around so she would hit my butt instead of my back thighs or my back. She ended up getting even more furious with me for moving around and the nightmare got so bad she wasn't even folding the belt anymore and she was just lashing my bare back like something you'd see in a movie about Jesus. She said she was only going to stop when I stopped screaming, which was so hard to do, but at some point I managed to hold it in for about three lashes and she finally stopped. I was laying flat on my face with long welts along my backside and back of my legs. Mom just went into the kitchen, which was adjacent to my bedroom, and started cooking dinner. Normally I would close the door and just cry in pain after being beaten, but this time I left the door wide open and just started playing with my Star Wars figurines on the floor of my room. I had my back to the door so she could see what she did to me and I was just playing and sniffling, but not outwardly crying like I would be normally.

After a few minutes I could hear the chicken frying and I thought she might throw some hot grease on me for added measure, but she shocked me instead. Instead I felt her kneel down behind me and putting her arms around me, in a semi-crying voice, saying "I'm sorry." I jerked away from her at first because I only knew her as a mother to show negative affection, never positive. At least not towards me.

This happened a few weeks before I turned 11.
"I am not an American ... In my view premarital sex should be illegal ...(there are) mentally challenged people with special needs like myself- Ajax18
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Jersey Girl »

Vēritās wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 6:40 pm
Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 3:44 pm
Just so you don’t feel like the odd duck out, I was raised in similar circumstances by Silent Gen types; my father being raised by people that by today’s standards would be in jail.
Thanks. I had a strong feeling I wasn't alone here but I can understand why others wouldn't disclose similar experiences.
Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 3:44 pm
With hindsight and wisdom I realize they were just people trying the best they could, being handed a very difficult hand of cards themselves, and as such I try to be forgiving. However, that crap sticks and it’s definitely a process to come to terms with it.
For real. I don't know how hard it really was for my Mom though. I hear stories about how she was raised poor in Po-dunk Alabama. She talks about the first time they got an actual toilet when she was 12, and how it was such a luxury from having to use the outhouse in the middle of the night. She married my Dad when he was at Ft. Benning when she was just 16. She almost immediately got pregnant in Germany when they were stationed overseas, and then gave birth to me when she was just 17. She had three kids by the time she was 23, but being the quintessential southerner, she was an excellent cook and tended to her expected duties of cooking and cleaning, far surpassing anyone's expectations. But emotionally she was an erratic time bomb, and I was usually the vehicle in which she unleashed her frustrations. My parents divorced when I was 10, after their experiment with "Open Marriage" didn't pan out (I learned about all of this years later from both grandparents). Dad was rarely home and he was sleeping with other women my Mom knew. He never abused us, but he never really took much interest in us either. He sure as hell never stopped his wife from abusing us and I remember my Mom waking us up at least once a week (sometimes more) late on a school night, to pack us all in our super tiny Subaru to drive out to get Dad. "He's out in the field" was the excuse we heard over and over, but later I learned from my Mom that this was just code for him being hammered at the officer's club and he couldn't afford another DUI.

During all this time, my Mom was having an affair with our next door neighbor who was also married. Two years after the divorce she ended up marrying that guy. So, I've known my step-Dad since I was two years old.
I am NOT making excuses here when I say that it sounds like your Mom was under enormous pressure and stress when you were coming up.
My brother and sister were rarely abused, but it did happen on occasion, usually when I wasn't around. I think it had something to do with me being the black sheep in the family. My brother and sister looked like my Mom. My sister was her "mini-me" and they both had long straight hair all the way down past their knees like Crystal Gayle (that 70's style). They were all good looking and popular, dark hair, dark eyes, prominent facial features, etc. Whereas I was the chubby faced kid with pale skin and freckles. I was ugly an I knew it and it felt just so out of place with my family. Kids at school couldn't believe those two popular kids in the lower grades were actually my siblings and people would sometimes straight up ask my parents if I was adopted, right in front of me.
Ain't it funny how the "ugly" kids turn out to be hunks as adults?
It's weird now because my Mom treats my kids the way she never treated us. She showers them with affection and encourages them in everything they do. Whenever my Mom comes over for gatherings she hugs everyone but she and I only hug sometimes because there is always that awkward silence between us that I don't think will ever go away. I hate it because I know the rest of the family picks up on it and they probably assume it has something to do with me being a bad son, because all they see is this wonderful grandmother.
Back to the stress comment I made. Maybe she's more relaxed now that she's older.
I think maybe for us some of that history surfaces here and there, either within a relationship or with child rearing, and we feel a lot of guilt over it because we know better, but we failed to shake off all of the negative programming. All you can do is note it, discuss it with affected parties, and keep trying to do better.
That's true. It is probably why I talk more about personal stuff here than I should. Because in my real life I'm unable to talk about it at all. I can't talk about religion because everyone else I know is religious and it's like trying to speak to Germans in Italian. I can't talk about politics because everyone here is a Trumper and any remark, no matter how innocuous, will trigger a firestorm that will result in family members ignoring one another for months. I can't talk about personal family issues because the entire family has been living on a level of denial that's somewhere in the upper stratosphere. The only time I can remember the subject ever coming up was about 20 years ago when someone at the house (not family) made a comment about spanking kids, and I made some sarcastic remark like, "Yep, been there done that." When I said that my Mom went absolutely ballistic and said, "Kevin! I never laid a finger on you. Isn't that right Jack?" Jack, being my step-Dad who willingly lies for her and once explained to us that husbands and wives have to be on the same page no matter what, even if it means lying. He'd rather just go along with a lie than have to deal with my Mom's wrath if he dares contradict her on something so sensitive as that.
I totally relate to talking about things here that you can't really find someone to talk to about in real life. I'm sorry your Mom responded in such a way as to save face and Step-Dad supported it. That has got to be aggravating as hell.
But what's the point in even telling people at this point, least of all the people who were guilty of doing it? All it does is push them away farther because they'll have it in their minds that I could at any moment drop a truth bomb in front of other people and that would ruin their imagined reputations as wonderful Christian people.
I hear you on that.
And bribe a kid with a car. Heh.
Word.
This is a proven positive parenting technique. Ask me how I know. 8-)
We only get stronger when we are lifting something that is heavier than what we are used to. ~ KF

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Vēritās
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Vēritās »

Jersey Girl wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 9:23 pm

I am NOT making excuses here when I say that it sounds like your Mom was under enormous pressure and stress when you were coming up.
Oh I agree, but I also know other people under more stress who don't beat their kids. I think the way she raised us had more to do with the way she was raised.

Ain't it funny how the "ugly" kids turn out to be hunks as adults?
Well, no argument there. We looked nothing alike then and we don't today either. My brother looked like a model in High School as did my sister, and they knew it too and used it to their advantage.

But today my brother is 70 pounds overweight and my sister also blew up, and has permanent nerve damage on her face after a surgery gone wrong. One half of it slopes down and she can barely close her left eye without putting a weight on her eye lid at night. Its hard to feel sorry for her as she abandoned her husband and three kids ten years ago and got pregnant with a married neighbor (had abortion) and ended up losing everything in her divorce.
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Back to the stress comment I made. Maybe she's more relaxed now that she's older.
Or maybe Eddie Murphy was right when he said during his "Raw" standup: "Your Grandma isn't being nice to you because she's nice. Grandma is just trying to get into heaven!" :lol:
I totally relate to talking about things here that you can't really find someone to talk to about in real life. I'm sorry your Mom responded in such a way as to save face and Step-Dad supported it. That has got to be aggravating as hell.
It is. Because there is never going to be any closure on the subject. It will be something I have to keep pretending never happened.
Last edited by Vēritās on Mon Aug 29, 2022 9:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Vēritās »

The only thing I have from my Dad are the same aqua/greenish eyes.
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Jersey Girl »

Vēritās wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 9:38 pm
Jersey Girl wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 9:23 pm
I am NOT making excuses here when I say that it sounds like your Mom was under enormous pressure and stress when you were coming up.
Oh I agree, but I also know other people under more stress who don't beat their kids. I think the way she raised us had more to do with the way she was raised.
I agree that it probably has everything to do with how she was raised. Some adults recreate the adverse conditions of their childhood and others recognize it and try to develop a new narrative...correct their future and heal their past.

You created a successful life for yourself. You have a solid family, you're a good parent, and you're not exactly hard on the eyes either. ;-)

There's probably more truth to that than anyone knows! :lol:

But you tell your truth right here on the board and I am sure you have shared with those closest to you in life. That's the best you can do. Tell your truth to the people who are willing to hear it.

If I formatted the quote wraps correctly here, I demand a prize.

ETA: No prizes for me today and I'm not fixing this post either!
We only get stronger when we are lifting something that is heavier than what we are used to. ~ KF

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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Vēritās »

No worries, I appreciate the effort
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Jersey Girl »

Vēritās wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 9:46 pm
The only thing I have from my Dad are the same aqua/greenish eyes.
I have my father's eyes as well. I was thinking about how to respond to your comments here through the lens of my own childhood. It's difficult.

One thing I shared previously on the thread is that I was spanked just one time as a child. It was summer, the dogs were tied to a tree in the back yard and barking like maniacs. To which I responded, "Shut up you bastards!" I'd put my age somewhere around 5 years old. Before I knew it I was over my father's lap getting a spanking for using a word I absolutely learned from him. Bastard.

I peed all over him and on the floor likely because he scared me beyond belief because in spite of many warnings of "Do I need to take my belt off?" I had never known him to get physical with anyone. Ever. I didn't have to clean up the puddle I made so I hope he enjoyed that. Bastard.

Fast forward to when one of my siblings located me out here and made contact. We decided to do a meet up (2 sisters, later met one brother and even later, my other brother) on my next trip to Jersey that summer. One of the things they asked me was if my father whipped me with a razor strap. :shock: I said no and shared the one spanking memory. They said he kept a razor strap on a nail on the wall of the house and used it to whip them with. Bastard.

I never told them that once on a trip back East that I danced on my father's grave. I know that's irreverent and wrong but I did it. Bastard.

It's funny when we converse about our childhoods. It's a matter of me asking "Did your Dad take you to...?" "Did your Dad ever tell you...?" even though he was our father. Don't get me started. My family stories would make your head spin in the process! :lol:

My mother never spanked me. But once when I was a teenager I mouthed off at her and told her, "I hate you!" :shock: I'm sure she wouldn't let me do something or other or have something I wanted. She immediately slapped me across the face. It didn't hurt me. It took me down several pegs and humbled me because I knew in the moment how deeply I offended her.

Anyway I wasn't beaten as a child but I witnessed domestic violence and child abuse at a relatives house many times. The man was self medicating bipolar whose drug of choice was alcohol. When sober you would've loved him. Handsome man with sparkling blue Irish eyes and the personality to go with it. Drunk? He was a sadistic bastard. Nearer to the end of his life the lines became blurred between those two versions of him. I never witnessed true violence until I witnessed his many episodes in the wee hours.
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Jersey Girl »

Vēritās wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 10:23 pm
No worries, I appreciate the effort
I'm having an I can't do crap right kind of day. :lol:
We only get stronger when we are lifting something that is heavier than what we are used to. ~ KF

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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by huckelberry »

Vēritās wrote:
Mon Aug 29, 2022 9:46 pm
The only thing I have from my Dad are the same aqua/greenish eyes.
Veritas, I hope I can say this without offense. I respect the way you are making good of the difficult elements of your upbringing. I get the impression you learned to stand up for yourself. Perhaps that was internal at first but I it appears you made it into a positive in your life.think You are an feisty poster who can make a vigorous attack. I find I have long respected your focus on learning and understanding.I remain believing you fight to get closer to the truth, to get a clearer grasp of things not just a fight for the sake of winning.
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