Generation X's Method of Parenting

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Jersey Girl
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Jersey Girl »

Veritas:

Yes, I was like that when my kids were 5 and 3 but believe it or not, it was a thread on this very forum that changed my mind about it. Jersey Girl might remember it, but it was a discussion about "free range parenting" and how studies have shown it benefits a child's overall development. Ever since then I gradually moved away from being a "helicopter parent" and started allowing my kids to wander down the street on their own without supervision. My daughter has been going places alone and with her friends ever since she's been able to drive and my 15 year old son rides his electric bike 3 miles to work and usually comes home after 11pm.

I saw my name as I was scrolling past posts. Honestly I'm so tuned out and burned out right now on this board, it's not even funny. Every time I look in, I say eff it and click right out again.

I do remember that discussion.

I didn't read the remainder of your post or anyone else's except for Schmo. If there's something I'm supposed to say, lemme know. And would you mind reducing your family names to a first initial in your post please?
We only get stronger when we are lifting something that is heavier than what we are used to. ~ KF

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Some Schmo
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Some Schmo »

Jersey Girl wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 2:04 am
Just be there, Schmo.
All great stuff in that post. Thanks, Jersey Girl.

by the way, I totally understand you feeling burnt out with the board (and especially politics). I've been feeling the same way for a while now, and figured that I've played a role in it, and I no longer want to participate that way. Lately I've been really trying to just write the kinds of things I want to read here, make the board I want it to be.

Because really, we've all been talking here for a long time, and I no longer see the point in what I think of as a kind of performative contention among us. I think it's pretty clear that we mostly like each other. Why would we keep coming back if we didn't?
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Jersey Girl
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Jersey Girl »

Some Schmo wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 3:45 am
Jersey Girl wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 2:04 am
Just be there, Schmo.
All great stuff in that post. Thanks, Jersey Girl.

by the way, I totally understand you feeling burnt out with the board (and especially politics). I've been feeling the same way for a while now, and figured that I've played a role in it, and I no longer want to participate that way. Lately I've been really trying to just write the kinds of things I want to read here, make the board I want it to be.

Because really, we've all been talking here for a long time, and I no longer see the point in what I think of as a kind of performative contention among us. I think it's pretty clear that we mostly like each other. Why would we keep coming back if we didn't?
Hey there. I replied to your post because I could see that it was personal and you needed encouragement. As much as I am an introvert and like to be alone, I do deeply care about people and that they feel supported.

Anyway, yeah, burned out on the board not because there is anything wrong with it or that it doesn't meet my expectations. I just don't really care at the moment. It seems that all I've done here lately is post links to youtube videos because my heart isn't in the discussions. Like...at all right now. I just don't have anything to say or contribute.

I've often said about boards like these that over time, you get to know each other and talk about things that probably we don't even talk to our own people about sometimes for whatever reasons. I think that more than liking each other, we trust each other. You know especially if you've gone nose to nose, toe to toe with another poster you kind of get an idea of who's really "in" there. 8-)
We only get stronger when we are lifting something that is heavier than what we are used to. ~ KF

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Xenophon
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Xenophon »

Some Schmo wrote:
Tue Aug 16, 2022 11:05 pm
And you're right; I think we're closer than things might appear. Just taking the pendulum analogy to it's full extent, I was thinking of this thing going both ways in a cycle. Course, the analogy fails somewhat because the focal point of a pendulum is stationary, not a moving thing like it is in culture. Hopefully the cultural focal point is moving in the direction of progress as it swings back and forth.

I understand why you see it that way.
Very true, the cultural context does mean that it is more like a pendulum on a moving platform.
Since we discussed this yesterday, I've been thinking about this exact thing. I agree; my argument, taken to its extreme, ends up exactly as you described.

So, I guess I have a couple thoughts on that as I digest it (I should probably do this in the other thread, but I'll be brief). One is, I should say that I'm making a distinction between your own personal behavior vs. what you recommend to a group in a public setting. So, I don't have to personally debate someone with whom I've found it fruitless in the past, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't give everyone else the same opportunity to find that out for themselves. You should. It's just that thread was directed at my friends here who often entertain outrageous claims from people we all can be pretty confident aren't here for honest debate. I'm thinking... you guys gotta know this!

And now that I've just typed all that out, I realized that I'm making a judgment on your behalf, and that's where I go wrong. Now I just net out that, what's good for me is good for me.
I knew we were closer than it appeared at first. I absolutely agree that as an individual you should make the best value judgement for yourself on when, where, and what to engage. You only have so much bandwidth and as this thread should remind us there is stuff WAY more important than arguing with other folks on the web. I think if each of us attempts to engage when and where we can, the collective will likely take care of needed debating of batpoop bad ideas.
Again... alleviating negative biases. Thanks, Xen.

I'll tell you what (because you just reminded me), I had a conversation with my daughter about a year ago. I'd had a beer or two, and I remember being struck by her otherness, her pure individuality, her separation from me. My whole life, I thought of her as an intrinsic part of me (I still can't help that), focusing on how much we were alike in so many ways. I noticed the differences too, but I could always blame her mother.

But that night, I guess it was the first time I really saw her as an independent adult, and it was mostly because of how impressed I was by the things coming out of her mouth. She knows things now it took me years of adulthood to figure out. I felt a profound sense of learning from her, which I've always recognized, but not necessarily intellectual learning like I got that night. It was exciting more than anything.

So... thanks for inspiring that memory. I don't know how well I explained it, but it was a good thing for me and ultimately my daughter.
Appreciate you sharing that memory. Your story rings very familiar to me. Remember to give your SO and yourself a little credit for raising that independent adult and just keep looking for those moments (as much a note for you as it is for me).
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“If you consider what are called the virtues in mankind, you will find their growth is assisted by education and cultivation.”
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Doctor Steuss
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Doctor Steuss »

I wish I had something to add that was even remotely on par with what has been shared (seriously thank you so much Xeno, Jersey, and Schmo), I just wanted to share something my Dad told me.

I may have already shared this before, in which case I apologize for my repetition.

My son had started calling me “Daddy” within the first two months of me meeting him. It was discouraged by his mom and myself. Trying to redirect to “Stu” didn’t work, so we tried “Daddy-Stu” as an intermediary, but to no avail. He had decided I was “Daddy.” He would actually sometimes get upset with his mom when she’d try correcting him. “No Stu. Daddy!”

As time went by, my heart began to realize what his heart had known from the beginning. I was his dad, and he was my beautiful son. With that realization came a debilitating fear that I wouldn’t be a good father. I was painfully aware of my limitations, and mental/emotional challenges. One of the great ironies of having your heart ‘splode with love for someone is being haunted by the ghost of knowing that they deserve so much more than you’ll ever be able to give, and dancing around the twin specter of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I did what I always do when my noggin’ and heart are feuding, and left my little Treegap, and went to the immortal wisdom spring of my dad. This is the best recollection of what he told me (which, is likely to be slightly different than my next recollection, or my prior one):

“If you look at how your oldest brother parents his children, it is different than the way your mom and I did. Your older brother is the same. The way he is raising his children is different than the way we did, and different than your other brother. The same is true for your sister. All are different than the way your grandparents raised us. The one thing that all of them have in common is that they are done with sincere love. You love your son dearly -- keep that as your true North, and you’ll do alright.”

With the adage of “the best advice is the advice we give to others but fail to follow ourselves” in mind; you love your child, and were and still are mindful of your role as a parent, and the growth and well-being of your daughter. She turned out alright. Cut yourself, and her some slack.
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Moksha »

Kids have their entire life to straighten out parents' erroneous ideas, like saddling them with untenable belief systems and politics. If not, there is always hope for the grandchildren.
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Xenophon
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Xenophon »

Thanks for sharing that Steuss. I won't speak for everyone but for me you rate your contributions far too low, that was great to read.
Doctor Steuss wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 2:56 pm
“If you look at how your oldest brother parents his children, it is different than the way your mom and I did. Your older brother is the same. The way he is raising his children is different than the way we did, and different than your other brother. The same is true for your sister. All are different than the way your grandparents raised us. The one thing that all of them have in common is that they are done with sincere love. You love your son dearly -- keep that as your true North, and you’ll do alright.”
QFT
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“If you consider what are called the virtues in mankind, you will find their growth is assisted by education and cultivation.”
― Xenophon
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Some Schmo
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Some Schmo »

Xenophon wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 3:31 pm
Thanks for sharing that Steuss. I won't speak for everyone but for me you rate your contributions far too low, that was great to read.
Doctor Steuss wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 2:56 pm
“If you look at how your oldest brother parents his children, it is different than the way your mom and I did. Your older brother is the same. The way he is raising his children is different than the way we did, and different than your other brother. The same is true for your sister. All are different than the way your grandparents raised us. The one thing that all of them have in common is that they are done with sincere love. You love your son dearly -- keep that as your true North, and you’ll do alright.”
QFT
Agreed. Steuss is always worth reading, and I honestly don't know why he would undervalue his own contributions... but he strikes me as a genuinely humble guy.

Loved that post, Steuss. What Xen quoted was completely sensible and straightforward, yet it's the kind of thing that's easy to overlook. I need to hold it in focus. Nobody gets optimal parenting, everyone's experience is different, and if love is your focus, you should do OK.
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Morley
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Morley »

Doctor Steuss wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 2:56 pm
With that realization came a debilitating fear that I wouldn’t be a good father. I was painfully aware of my limitations, and mental/emotional challenges. One of the great ironies of having your heart ‘splode with love for someone is being haunted by the ghost of knowing that they deserve so much more than you’ll ever be able to give, and dancing around the twin specter of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think this nails it.



This is a great thread and I have nothing to add except a 'thank you' to you all.
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Some Schmo
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Re: Generation X's Method of Parenting

Post by Some Schmo »

Moksha wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 3:13 pm
Kids have their entire life to straighten out parents' erroneous ideas, like saddling them with untenable belief systems and politics. If not, there is always hope for the grandchildren.
One thing I tried to do was let my daughter figure things out (philosophically) on her own. She knew I didn't believe in a god, but I let her go to church with her friends or cousins when she wanted to, telling her she had to decide that for herself.

Today, I'm not sure where she is on the question of gods, but she has rejected most religious beliefs on her own. Did I help influence that? Not actively, but probably, just by remodeling being decent without going to church. She does believe in some kind of mysticism, but getting her to define it is impossible because she's still in the process of working it out.
Religion is for people whose existential fear is greater than their common sense.

The god idea is popular with desperate people.
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