Is your house in order?

[Xenophon]

Thanks for posting this stuff, Xeno. My wife and I have talked about how we’ll want our estate dealt with extensively and my hope is if either one of us pass we’d be able to go into autopilot mode and get what needs to be done, done. Writing everything down, identifying an executor, and writing it down (and notarizing it) has put us at ease. Have I mentioned writing it down? A checklist is the only way to go, in my opinion.

- Doc

Happy to do it. I don't know about everyone else's upbringing but we just didn't talk about this stuff when I was younger. When my mother passed so unexpectedly, we were caught very unprepared, but at least there were lots of folks to pitch in and do the work and not much to contest with a surviving spouse and child. Even the arrangements that were made for other family members weren't really talked about. Wills have always been part of the deal but we just never talk about them until someone dies. It leaves a lot of open questions and chaos that I'm just not comfortable with any longer.

[Moksha]

I've tried to talk to my kids about death, estate, and funeral concerns, but they did not want to hear it. The oldest wants me to leave everything to him so he could help manage it for everyone. He points out the others are disinterested or irresponsible.

[Chap]

... The oldest wants me to leave everything to him so he could help manage it for everyone. He points out the others are disinterested or irresponsible.

I think he means that the others are uninterested - i.e. they find such things boring and not worth their attention. I assume that your eldest is, in effect, trying to persuade you that he is a disinterested party. i.e. someone who has nothing to gain from treating other people unfairly, and that he can be trusted not to act in ways that benefit himself at others' expense (i.e. he will not act in his own interest).

Or maybe this distinction is no longer operative in US English? If so, a useful feature of the language has been lost. I have certainly seen signs of this happening in the UK.

[Moksha]

I think he means that the others are uninterested - i.e. they find such things boring and not worth their attention. I assume that your eldest is, in effect, trying to persuade you that he is a disinterested party. i.e. someone who has nothing to gain from treating other people unfairly, and that he can be trusted not to act in ways that benefit himself at others' expense (i.e. he will not act in his own interest).

Or maybe this distinction is no longer operative in US English? If so, a useful feature of the language has been lost. I have certainly seen signs of this happening in the UK.

Also, I think it is uncomfortable for children to contemplate the death of their parents, at least for kids under 50.

[Jersey Girl]

I haven't watched this 30 minute plus video yet, but it's in reference to Jenny Apple's end of life to do list. Jenny is a youtuber who has cancer and has been given approx. 6 months to live. I've watch her and her husband Kyle from time to time.

CU#35. Jenny Apple's to-do list ideas from Paul in Perth. @jennyapple4704
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ6EeqY0RNg

It looks like this man has a good list that would fit this thread.

[Jersey Girl]

I thought of a couple of other things to add to what I stated earlier.

Home Safe

We do have a home safe. We don't keep important documents in the house because we live in an area that is prone to wildfire and subject to evacuation. We do store some cash in it and other immediate type stuff. But the main thing is cash for "right away". Lessons learned in the aforementioned wildfire zone.

Will Stuff

If anyone needs to know this and doesn't, you can prepare a will that allows your estate to be handed down only to your bloodline. If that doesn't make sense, I'll spell it out. Let's say you have three children who are married. The type of will I am talking about would be protected in a divorce (so long as it is received and kept separate from spouse) so that a divorcing spouse cannot be awarded half of it in a divorce settlement. That might be different by state. Of course we all think that our children are all happily married for life (Yay!) but statistically that doesn't seem to be the case.

What to do first

I think if you can figure out what to do first, it might help us all figure out how to proceed in working out the fine details. Funeral homes supply the family with copies of death certificates so there is that. As I said earlier, if our case, the surviving spouse can unlock the rest of the process in one trip to the bank to open the super sized safe deposit box.

Bank Stuff

I don't know about anyone else, but we have more than one checking account. One is a joint account. Make sure your spouse has access to at least one account where s/he can draw money out right away and as needed.

I think we've got some or most of the details worked out but I know we are missing a few things. Like I said, in our circumstance the division of money an other financials (in all circumstances) is easy, it's the small items of personal property that are difficult to deal with. I know the attorney gives you a personal asset inventory sheet to work through that can be modified as needed.

Thanks to Xeno posting this OP and making me think, I think I have a good idea about selling the house using a third party that is NOT the attorney who suggested it. That was an issue that had us stuck. Thank you for unsticking us, Xeno!

[Jersey Girl]

ETA:

Declutter and Purge

Or...Swedish Death Cleaning.

If you are on board with doing it, just start. If your other person is not, don't criticize. Take care of what you are responsible for and do it in front of them in the hopes that purging and downsizing becomes normalized.

If you are the one who isn't on board with this, why not begin with what I started with--looking for obvious trash? Sure couldn't hurt to toss out empty boxes (Amazon go away!) in the garage. Practice decanting (take the wrappers off and put in a container/basket) things like the products you buy---toothpaste boxes, that sort of thing. It can help you get in the habit of purging and who knows, you might continue on with other things! Just try sorting one drawer or even one basket or box.

Leave items you have an emotional attachment to...for last. They will just waste your time and keep you stuck. When you're going at it with easier things, take a break and then go back and see what you've accomplished. It will spur you on!

Don't fall too far into the storage box trap. Purge first, organize and plan storage later. FYI: Tossing your stuff into boxes without decluttering...isn't decluttering. It's simply giving your clutter a new home and one you are paying by the sq ft for if you have a mortgage or are paying rent, not to mention the cost of containers as well. Reclaim your space and make it manageable.

When you purge out your unneeded items, you are left with all the good stuff.

No, I will not tell you how many seasonal decor containers I have. They're all purged out and easy to move though!

[Xenophon]

I haven't watched this 30 minute plus video yet, but it's in reference to Jenny Apple's end of life to do list. Jenny is a youtuber who has cancer and has been given approx. 6 months to live. I've watch her and her husband Kyle from time to time.

CU#35. Jenny Apple's to-do list ideas from Paul in Perth. @jennyapple4704
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ6EeqY0RNg

It looks like this man has a good list that would fit this thread.

Thanks for sharing that, Jersey Girl. I took a quick screen grab of the list if anyone wants some more context before they jump into the video. He breaks each point down so you can jump around if any of the below points are of interest to you. Point 3 was one I hadn't put too much thought into. In my documentation I included lots of information around things like the digital payment portals but I hadn't thought as much about closing out accounts that are less money driven like his example of Pinterest or Reddit. How many members have we seen just vanish and not heard a word from, we may be too small a corner for folks to consider but if you are a regular contributor somewhere and it matters to you, maybe include that in your last wishes to share a simple message after your passing.

Screenshot 2023-07-26 144032.png (144.89 KiB) Viewed 412 times

[Dr. Shades]

Under “intimate items,” does that refer to buying them or donating them?

[Xenophon]

Under “intimate items,” does that refer to buying them or donating them?

Specifically removing anything from your home or digital presence of an intimate nature. I think many folks might be a bit mortified if their children or loved ones had to clean out sex toys or intimate photos. It is one thing to acknowledge your parents are sexual beings but quite another to be confronted with the very tangible evidence of that (minus your own existence of course).