The Body Keeps the Score (book)

[Jersey Girl]

Well now you've got me curious, is the gentleman in you story asking for the book recommendation directly, or are you hoping that sharing the book will kick-start his interest? My take might be different depending on if they're acknowledging they need to get educated and examine their behaviors for the partner or are still fairly oblivious to the impact they have.

As far as introductory books go I think The Body Keeps Score would probably be as good a jumping off point as most. I did ping my therapist friend and they recommended Loving Someone with PTSD. I have not read this particular title but I have read I Can't Get Over It by the same author. I found it easy to digest, highly informative, and very practical in approach. Between my buddies take and some of the reviews I'm reading this one will likely end up onto my own list.

I haven't heard of those titles, Xeno. You know it could be helpful to other readers/lurkers to see this conversation however, I don't think I can answer your questions specifically here. Just quickly, I'd say that the gentleman may lack insight regarding PTSD. Would you mind if I messaged you?

[Xenophon]

I haven't heard of those titles, Xeno. You know it could be helpful to other readers/lurkers to see this conversation however, I don't think I can answer your questions specifically here. Just quickly, I'd say that the gentleman may lack insight regarding PTSD. Would you mind if I messaged you?

I certainly don't want you to share anything you aren't comfortable with, but my DMs are always open.

First, a caveat. Everything I say below is just from my own experience and is my opinion. I am not a professional therapist, counselor, or in any way part of the medical field. If you or a loved one is experiencing PTSD, please speak to a trained and licensed medical professional with trauma experience. PTSD is a disability, you wouldn't just try to "get over" or "power through" a physical disability, don't do it here either. I know not everyone has the privilege to seek therapy, but there are often low-cost or free options available to folks and if you really need help, I'm happy to do what I can to find solid local resources.

My line of questioning just comes from my own personal experience that I don't mind talking about as it might be informative. I've alluded to it before, but my SO grew up in a horribly abusive household. The abuse was physical, sexual, and (obviously) emotional in nature... all topped off with the extra baggage that often comes from a highly religious upbringing. Fortunately for me, SO was already on the path to recovery which made it much easier for me to fit into that existing support structure.

At least at a theoretical level, I understood early that my behavior could trigger her but correcting that in practice is always more difficult. And honestly stopping the triggering behavior is really only a small piece of the puzzle. Getting to root cause and healing from that initial trauma are the obvious top goals. One of my favorite things about I Can't Get Over It is that it is an actionable handbook that you and your partner can sit down and get through together. I'm a practical, action-oriented kind of personality and it connected with me on that level while not neglecting the background and theory that is so critical in understanding the issue. It will help spell out related symptoms, triggers, and techniques for helping to recover. This work was vital to me in helping better understand how impactful my behaviors could be, the way I chose to word things, the way I reacted to scenarios. It is probably important to emphasize two points here. First, that this was actual work and study. We were writing and highlighting and re-reading... this is an undertaking. Secondly, that we completed this as an extension to the clinical therapy that we were receiving at the time. We were gaining a lot of tools and methodologies from a wide range of sources, but I'll never be able to put to words just how important that professional support was/is to that process.

One of the biggest personal challenges for me was in not taking her reactions personally. It is easy to frame your triggering of a spouse as "How can they think I'm going to hurt them; I've never done anything of the nature of their initial trauma". Although it can be valid to feel a bit attacked from that perspective it isn't a particularly useful mindset for healing. #1, So much of these reactions are involuntary and getting a good framework for what is going on in your partner's mind is critical for moving beyond your own gut response. #2, if you are aware of certain behaviors that are causing your partner suffering and aren't adjusting then I think you need a deeper look at your own empathy. My personal philosophy is that meeting the bare minimum with my spouse was never a choice. If I truly love her the way I claim, I should be working to improve that standard constantly, we all deserve that from our partners. #3, sometimes you can do everything right (or at least not do anything that could reasonably be predicted to be "bad”) but it won't be enough. That isn't an indictment of you but rather another example in a comically long list of how debilitating and awful PTSD can be. You must view this as a thing you are working on together, a thing you are helping support and uplift your partner through, or you aren't going to make it. It is a give and take where you will learn to better support your partner but in turn, they will better understand how to communicate their feelings and needs.

All that to get back to my first line of questioning which we can think of as more rhetorical in this open part of the forum. I've been around it personally and in enough support groups to see the stark difference in results for couples where the supporting spouse is engaged versus begrudgingly coming along for the ride (even worse when they're totally absent or actively working against them). I know it is cliché, but this is one of those things where you don't just have to check off a couple of boxes but really need to WANT to help. Motivation matters, and that isn't to say that one's motivations can't shift through the healing process, but it is meant to highlight potential additional challenges that might be present given the starting point of both the trauma victim and their partner.

[Jersey Girl]

I'll be back, Xeno!

[Jersey Girl]

Xeno I've finally come up for air. What I have to say needs to be out of the mainstream. Watch your messages tomorrow/Tuesday if you are around. No hurry to get back to me.

[Valo]

PTSD is on a spectrum. There are various "types" of PTSD. Depending on the severity, different options can or ought to be utilized.

I think if you are in a relationship with a person with PTSD they need a partner who is willing to take the time to understand the history of the trauma and how the person with PTSD might get triggered. It would be helpful to not take "flare ups' personal and to instead, step back and see what is going on.

Showing empathy and kindness is good but you may also have to give some space. Every situation can be different and how to respond will likely be a learned process.

There is evidence that dogs and humans store trauma in their whole body. This is helpful to understand because just focusing on it being something in the mind can miss methods of treating PTSD that aren't necessarily about behavior, or thinking, etc.

It is my belief that someone with severe trauma, be it from childhood abuse or to being in combat, they would find it highly beneficial to have a true, solid friend they can be open and honest with. And they should also have a trustworthy therapist they can go talk to about what they have experienced. Bringing the trauma from hiding and in to the surface is the only way to start recovering from trauma in my opinion.