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Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2025 8:59 pm
by Res Ipsa
Friends, letters have been trickling out from war torn Portland, and they are heartbreaking. Forget Ukraine and Gaza — nothing matches the sheer brutality being experienced by the heroic residents of war ravaged Portland.
A small sample of the ways Portlandians are coping with tragedy:
Dearest Mother,
I hope this post finds you well. We have retreated into Goose Hollow, as the feds have now taken Nob Hill. Supplies are running low. IPA is nowhere to be found - there is only spiced cider left to drink, which nobody wants. We grabbed the last of the kale from what is left of the smoldering Burnside Zupans, which we believe is now in the hands of the enemy. Oh, how I miss the Eastside. I would give my left arm for a good smashburger right now. We were hoping to make our way up to Council Crest by December, but are so quite out of shape, so are taking it slowly. Perhaps bringing our fixies was a bad idea. Anyhoo, wish us luck!
Love and Kisses,
Shaun (she/they)
Dearest Mother,
I write to you from the front lines of the Great Portland Conflict of '25, where our battalion bravely holds the line between the artisanal kombucha stand and the vegan taxidermy co-op. The enemy, armed with reusable tote bags and passive-aggressive signage, launched a surprise assault during our morning mindfulness drills. Our oat milk rations are low, and Private Jasper refuses to fight until his chakras are realigned. Pray for us, Mother, and send more flannel.
Please pray for the war ravished people of Portland. I’ll post some links to the Kombucha for Portland Go Fund Me.
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 12:16 pm
by Markk
Honestly, I am not sure whether you are serious or not....?
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 1:50 pm
by Morley
Markk wrote: ↑Thu Oct 02, 2025 12:16 pm
Honestly, I am not sure whether you are serious or not....?
Of course he's serious. It's obvious that you've never been to Portland, Markk. You need to put down your avocado toast and pumpkin-spiced latte and get out of So Cal for a few days.
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 2:04 pm
by canpakes
Markk wrote: ↑Thu Oct 02, 2025 12:16 pm
Honestly, I am not sure whether you are serious or not....?
What has Fox News been saying? I’m sure that they’ve been breathlessly covering the carnage and destruction wrought by crazed hordes of tree-huggers. How could you have missed this?
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 3:17 pm
by Bret Ripley
Markk wrote: ↑Thu Oct 02, 2025 12:16 pm
Honestly, I am not sure whether you are serious or not....?
Serious as a feart attack.
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 3:40 pm
by Doctor Steuss
I heard that in some corners, the sounds of accordion and bagpipes atop a unicycle haven't been heard in a fortnight.
My thoughts are with Portland during this harrowing times.
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 4:38 pm
by Kishkumen
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 4:40 pm
by Kishkumen
canpakes wrote: ↑Thu Oct 02, 2025 2:04 pm
What has Fox News been saying? I’m sure that they’ve been breathlessly covering the carnage and destruction wrought by crazed hordes of tree-huggers. How could you have missed this?
I'm surprised Markk hasn't cleared out his local Walmart of its beef jerky, camping gear, and guns, given the grave nature of the situation. All of those displaced Oregonians seeking shelter may reach his home, and then what would he do?
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 6:18 pm
by Molok
Seeing a busker with a handlebar mustache torn apart by a screeching horde of Antifa will haunt me for the rest of my days. When they were finished, all that was left was a bloody flannel and a slouchy beanie.
Re: Letters from War Torn Portland
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2025 7:26 pm
by Res Ipsa
canpakes wrote: ↑Thu Oct 02, 2025 2:04 pm
Markk wrote: ↑Thu Oct 02, 2025 12:16 pm
Honestly, I am not sure whether you are serious or not....?
What has Fox News been saying? I’m sure that they’ve been breathlessly covering the carnage and destruction wrought by crazed hordes of tree-huggers. How could you have missed this?
I’ve seen several reports that Fox News ran a story on Portland that mixed in one our clips of violence in 2020 with footage from 2025. After declaring war on Portland, Trump said he saw burning buildings in Portland on TV.
Fox did the same thing in 2020 in a story on Seattle, splicing footage of fires in another city into a report on Seattle.
