Four score and Seven Tweets Ago

[Res Ipsa]

The Gettysburg Address is a little dusty and could use an update. In honor of lame duck President Donald Trump’s trip today to commemorate the Election that wouldn’t die, let’s see who can write the best update of Lincoln’s masterpiece. Everyone is telling me that the prizes will be the best ever. Nobody’s seen anything like it.

Decisions of the judges are final, and are not subsection to challenge, recount, lawsuits, Twitter tantrums, hissy fits, or cancel culture.

[canpakes]

Everyone is telling me that the prizes will be the best ever. Nobody’s seen anything like it.

Is that what some people say?

[Res Ipsa]

Everyone. They’re calling me on the phone to congratulate me.

[Some Schmo]

This was written for him by his staff, and will be read from a teleprompter, without improvised asides, very presidential like:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new Trump tower, conceived in the sweat of illegals, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal as long as they're not from a shithole country and have some cash.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure, given everything I've done to undermine it. We are met on a great battle-field of that war, except me, who will be ruling from the basement of the White House, because you have to keep your commander safe, and because the brave men and women who defend me can die on this field without consequence to me. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that white nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, in this hour of extreme fear and selfishness.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The rough men, living and dead, who coopt this place for political purposes, have desecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what we did here. It is for us the living, rather...

OK, I've read this, and the rest of it is boring, ok? Let's talk about something more interesting, ok? Just remember everyone, that this was my economy. In the war against taxes, I won, ok? Russia was a hoax, and nobody's arrested Hillary yet. And judges. Just remember that. Something's going on, people. You know it, and I know it. Joe Biden is a joke.

I'm going home now. Where's the golf cart...?

[Gadianton]

Four score and seven tweets ago our President brought forth on the Internet, a conspiracy, conceived on amphetamines, and dedicated to the proposition that facts and lies are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a misinformation war, testing whether Republicans, or any far right can follow on Twitter without getting bored. We are met on a nominal platform of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that platform, as a monument to senators, congressmen, and news anchors who spun yarns that our party might lie. It will make liberals cry if we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- Fox News. Many brave men, and also Ms. P, who is a woman, have taken our lies to court. The judges will little note, nor long remember what they argued, but it can never forget that they perjured. It is for us the sheep, rather, to be bamboozled by the unsubstantiated allegations which they spent an afternoon fabricating whole cloth. It is rather for us to be here meming our way to serfdom -- that from these honored elites we take increased devotion to that cause for which they got paid and gave several minutes of consideration -- that we here highly resolve that these perjured lawyers shall not have lied in vain -- that this nation, under Trump, shall have a new birth of populism -- and that government of the President, by the President, for the President, shall not perish from the earth.